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Married to an Addict

Rollercoaster of Emotions

Photo by Claudia Soraya on Unsplash

My husband has broken his sobriety. I'm in a relationship where assumptions of cheating, lying, being delusional, belittling, being crazy, and only God knows what else are placed upon me. My past is used against me. My words are twisted and flipped against me to justify his actions. I constantly cry of loneliness because he's never home. It started with middle of the night sneak outs after I'd fall asleep. Now he just lies and says he'll be right back, which turns into hours. Lately it has turned to overnight, and some overnights have turned into mid-day. I have had to hide my car keys because he'll take off in my car after I fall asleep, or he'll sneak my car keys off the key hook. Now it's to the point to where in order to avoid arguing with him, I just give him the damn keys. However, doing so leaves me home with no car to go anywhere, sometimes he even takes my house keys; locking me inside our gated property. 

I have isolated myself from others to prevent arguments, and I avoid going to lunch with others to avoid being accused of cheating. Arguments are started in order to have an excuse to leave the house. Questions are answered with a question. Occasionally, I'll find locked and secured windows unlocked and unsecured. I'm guessing in case I lock him out. I've been informed of females coming to my home, of various men coming and going throughout the day. Cameras to see who's coming in and out of my house have been installed, because some of my things have grown legs and disappeared. Only the cameras get covered, removed, or faced towards the ceiling, because "who knows who's able to link into our wifi and spy," he says. Paranoia! 

I have found items such as a can of hair spray and a hair clip, a mirror compact, a single feminine sock, men’s clothing; all of which have not belonged to anyone in my house. Of course, the men's clothing was used against me in his defense. My husband has claimed to have found my overnight t-shirt once in the back seat of my car. He even ran a black light in the back seat of my old car, claiming he found "semen" stains on the back seats. In my new car I have found deodorant stains in weird places. On the back side of the head rests, passenger and driver seats, on the head rests of the back seats as well. He's claimed he's found foot prints on the windows in the back seat of my car. Of course, these things are claimed to have been done by me. Here is, my favorite... abnormal everyday spotting or bi- weekly bleeding episodes from a mirena device that has be inserted, because I'm having sex with someone else. 

I ask myself, why of all the relationships I've been in, do I allow myself to be in this situation? He doesn't work. He used to help maintain daily house chores; not anymore. He rarely sleeps here at home. I'm lucky if he does. We rarely have sex, and if we do, it's as though he's doing me the favor. He used to tell me he loved me frequently throughout the day. He rarely says it anymore, and if he does, it sounds false, or forced. I'm in love with this man that doesn't give a damn about me, and especially not about my feelings. Every time I need him, he's not around; or he has something to do. This relationship was once real, at least I thought it was. I'm not one to break a serious commitment like marriage. Hell, I believe once it's done, it's done. There's no turning back, for sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do we part. Hell, I've even mentioned separation to him, if that's what he feels he needs because he can't tolerate me that much, or if I annoy him that much whatever the case may be. But, instead he says, "You'll have to divorce me before I just leave." This unhappy life I've gotten myself into. I blame all of this on his methamphetamine addiction, and I am just not ready to give up on my husband; not yet that is. Yes, I am aware that he has basically given up on himself already, but I am going to try and be here for him. I know, I’ll probably be seen as a complete idiot. But I’m ready...

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