Maybe I Thought We Had Something More Than We Did

I have soo much to write, I just don't know where to start. Should I start with my best friend who I thought might have feelings for me the way I did him? Maybe I should talk about how my new friend is just too good to be true, so good that the thought of him even a little interested in me is a joke! Well I suppose I should start about how I got myself in this, and how this seems to be a loop of how my "friendships" go.

I'm just your average 4'11" mixed child who took a chance and decided to go to a state she's never been with no contacts whatsoever. I will have moved to Washington for the year until I figured out what was next for me. Never did I think I would fall in love with, not only the beautiful, green, mossy, state, but the people who I now would call family.

Three months into the year I made many good friends, one of which is my good friend Daniel. Daniel is passionate about art and music and we would talk about things that were close to our hearts. We easily grew closer together as we spent night after night in the woods talking by a fire until it went out and even then we would keep talking. When my head finally hit my pillow, I could still smell the smoke in my hair. We watched thriller movies and shared our favorite songs and artists until 2 in the morning. Needless to say I was starting to see him more than a friend, but our time was running out.

Daniel was going to move back home to Utah after spring. By this time it would be January, I had decided to stay for the summer as well and was afraid to tell Daniel what I was feeling. One night as we sat by our little camp fire he told me he had something he wanted to say. My heart was literally pounding out of my chest I wanted so badly for him to tell me that he liked me more than his friend. His words were—and I can still hear him say this—"You mean a lot to me, you are one of the best friends I've ever had and I know I'll see you again."

Although those weren't the words I was hoping for, they were enough for me at the time. I didn't want to rush things I wanted our relationship, if we ever had one, to have a story. So I told him he meant more to me then he'll ever know (who knows, that'll probably be true) and I hope he doesn't forget about me.

After Daniel left to go home and I was feeling kinda hurt. We still talked everyday and I even made plans to go visit him.

So now it's spring and you probably wanna hear about this other guy right? Well, along with Daniel I made friends with a guy named Isaac. Now Isaac and I weren't very good friends like me and Daniel were. In fact me and Isaac only talked when all of ours friends were together. As the summer went on and our little group of friends had more time to hangout, Isaac and I got more acquainted, but never did I ever think that Isaac was so...interesting.

Isaac was very wise, witty, and well, a bit cocky, which only added to his boisterous personality, not at all like Daniel. In high school Isaac would be your obviously handsome baseball jock. He loved all things sports and never missed a day at the gym. He was the kinda guy I assumed would never like a girl like me.

Being his friend was soo much fun! We would go to a open field and he would teach me how to hit a baseball and play catch for hours. We would have handstand competitions and to show off he would pick me up with ease and run around pretending I was a "sack of sand" as he put it. We would go eat ALL the time and he called it a "snack." He would give me piggy back rides everywhere. When I insisted that I could walk he would tell me to hush and enjoy the ride. He always hung onto what I would say. He was... real with me. He told me what he believed, what he cared about, and what motivated him. He was too good to be true...

I can't describe the internal struggle I was having when we talked. I liked him more and more everyday and I thought about him constantly. I liked him but I knew someone like him could never like me, if anything I had to be like a little sister to him.

As I grew closer to him I realized that my trip to see Daniel was growing closer too. I wanted to see if this was worth it or maybe I should have been thinking about my relationship with Daniel. One night Isaac and I were just hanging out by a lake. He was kinda not himself. I asked him what was wrong and he told me, "I never show anyone how I'm really feeling. I'm good at hiding my hurt when I need to." In this case when Isaac told me that people were talking about the time we spend together and how I don't need to worry because he wasn't interested and he doesn't want me to feel weird, I put on the best show I think I ever had.

"Oh yeah, don't worry I know you don't have feelings, we're just friends, it's cool."

That night I cried when I got home and laid in bed. It was my fault really; I knew a guy like that could never like a girl like me. What was I thinking? I'm definitely not a obviously beautiful tall woman. I saw myself as a short, brown, curly, frizzy-headed girl, who liked video games a little too much. What was I thinking?

Part Two: Flying to Utah and Isaac's mixed messages?