Me and My 'Under the Bed' Monsters

Hi, it's me again. I heard someone saying, "You can't move forward if you are stuck in the past." It's like traveling and seeing new things, places, and people, but with a huge heavy bag on your shoulders. It can be pretty abducting.

It can be.

And it is.

I am 22 and I still did not let go. Writing here is hopeful. Like letting it out on a white screen may help not to go back and rethink the decisions I've made back then.

I was 17 when I moved away from my parents. My home. 7k km overseas, on my own. Fear? No, curiosity. New language, new people, new places, new times. It's like a therapy, only then I did not realize what it may cost me.

And I started missing home right a way.

My first night was harsh: the absolute tiredness from a 9 hour flight; a roommate, who was planning on living with her friend (you know what it is like); me not understanding fully what people around are talking about. Confusion sums up with the loneliness. Me, the person who was surrounded by friends and family 24/7, the outgoing and lively 17-year-old girl, was put in the box, with all the accommodations provided.

Only I was not prepared for this.

And it's okay, a few days to adjust, a few weeks to start making new connections and a few months to experience everything that you never thought would happen to you.

Weird how we remember only little bits, parts of the past, the ones that affected you as a person the most, changed you somehow, broke you apart and pulled you together.

But you are wrong, if you think that it lasts.

Nothing does. That's why it's called the "past."

So I started my life here. Made some new friends. Still missed the old ones, but my new life started taking turns and made me feel as nothing unusual happens, it's just another day and I gotta live it as it's my last.

And that's what I started doing. My brain got into surviving mode. But I forgot one little thing that could entirely ruin me as a person.

I am a woman.

An attractive woman.

See, when I lived my normal life in the small city with my parents, with my school, with my day to day routine, I did not really feel like I was in need of admiration. I was in love back then. And it was strong. Only we are still good friends. And he is one of not many people who treat me with respect.

That's the most important thing in one-on-one chemistry.

But here... it became hard. It was tough to make friends with the guys. You can't even imagine how bad they can hurt you if you do not like them back. Most of them thought that I was just playing and I absolutely don't care how good and attractive they are.

I was just young, unexperienced and... scared.

And I am sorry.

I blamed myself for everything. I started losing friends. I became an outcast. I had no one to go through this whole shabang. But I had me.

And surprisingly, I was much closer to myself than I am now.

It's like I knew what I wanted.

Do I know now? Nope.

I lost myself in endless blame, fear and uncertainty. And I don't know how to rescue me and get back to my dreams without being afraid.

All I need is to forgive myself and stop taking responsibility for something I could not change.

For some reason I cannot get to it, physically. It's always in the back of my mind, I always seek for the answers, but it seems like I am just not ready yet.

When I am gonna be ready and how will I deal with it are just another of a million questions I have to answer.