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Me, to Be or Not to Be?

All Puzzled-Up

By Persia LeePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I've been the same person my entire life. I know, it sounds ridiculous. Right now you're thinking, "Well, isn't everybody"? To answer your question, no. People around me have gone through more personality changes than they have clothes. (Okay, that might be a stretch but you get it.) I've never been that way, not until recently. My memories started at the age of 7, when I woke up in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment knowing exactly who I was. I remember that day and moment as if it just happened. What did I feel exactly? To put it simply, it was a sense of belonging. Now I'm 23 and I can't say I know who this person I embody really is. Everyone loves to typecast me though, because what better way to utilize their time than to try and analyze me? I've been referred to as the simple girl, the mature one, the strong personality alpha female, the conservative one, and my favorite, the weirdo. I never cared for these titles because I knew the truth. I wasn't ever just one of those things, I was all of them. But now, in what seems like such a broken world where my sense of belonging has withered away with the dreams and aspirations of those who struggle to get by, the girl who looks back at me from the mirror is unfamiliar. Studying my exterior and concealing my interior, the only reflections I see are those of a lost soul. I'm struggling but no one sees it, and I'm afraid no one cares for it.

Perhaps that's due to my inability to express emotion. I've never loved another human's soul more than I have those that belong to my family members. Even then, I've never been able to express it. I've never been able to let someone in, and as much as I want to, it's just not who I am. Now, feeling the way I do, I can't help but wonder, should I force some change? Happiness and contentment are two emotions I knew always hung in the balance of a relationship, but understanding the importance of being valued is a new predicament of mine. It's the most bizarre thing. I never would have thought that I'd have to ask to be valued in a relationship. Is it because I'm closed off that others assume I don't care to be cared for? The 7 year old me never had to worry about that. She had all the answers. I know I sound like a box of loose puzzle pieces. I guess I am. The problem is, I want to be okay with not having everything put together. I want to know I'm okay where I am, that I'm okay with who I am. I want to prove to myself more than anyone that what I hope for myself is not crazy or unrealistic, as I've been told far too many times than to actually care about.

So, here we are, here I am. Twenty-three in what is still a world full of opportunities, should I find the right door. Yet I'm writing this feeling unnerved and devalued. Is this just a funk or do I need to go on one of those self-discovery escapades (You know, where they drink hot chocolate and eat s'mores by the fire with a bunch of strangers. That is what happens right??)?The real question is, is being valued realistically important or is it just feeding ones ego?

Thoughts that go through my head while I sip on some delicious coffee (at least I've got that going for me).

humanity
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About the Creator

Persia Lee

Sometimes, I write stuff.

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