Memes, Orgies, and Illegal Drugs #MyWorstDate

Just so you are familiar with my situation, I often feel like I'm between two worlds. I no longer belong to the LDS faith, but I still uphold most of the same standards. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, hell, I don't even drink coffee. I hate partying and I like to keep my wits about me. It's because of this that I feel most girls don't really want anything to do with me. Either they're LDS and want someone to take them to the temple, don't like my tattoos, etc., or they're not LDS and don't like that I tend to be more aligned with those values than they are (and to be fair I feel the same way about them). It's an interesting situation, especially being in Utah where, for the most part, you have diehard Mormons or diehard anti-Mormons.

So, when I'm faced with a lady that appreciates my viewpoints, is not LDS, and is attractive, a small glimmer of hope ignites deep in my mind. THIS, I think, could be what I have been waiting for.

In every instance, it has turned out completely wrong, and this is just the worst of the worst. I would like to share this horrendous story with you of the worst date I have ever been on, and I hope you can all laugh at my misfortune!

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So this girl messaged me on Facebook, said I was attractive, and agreed with my unpopular opinions, so I asked her on a date. She lives about an hour from where I currently live, so naturally, I couldn't make my way there myself since I can't drive. So we set up a double date and my friend and roommate Dakota agreed to drive us down there.

The night before our date, she posts a bunch of Snapchat stories saying how drunk she is. I figure, you know, not everyone can be a sober saint like me, so let's excuse this just once, she's having a fun time, I'm sure... anything to convince myself she's not your typical party girl.

The next evening, Dakota and I set off. I've been debating on what to wear to make the greatest impression and decide that I'll wear my new skinny jeans and my "Porn Kills Love" shirt because if that doesn't make a great impression, what will? I was going to take my black jacket but ended up spilling yogurt all over it so now I'm in my green and yellow Toon Link jacket looking like a Christmas tree.

Fifteen minutes away, she calls me and says, "The other girl bailed on me! I'm so sorry! Is it okay if I bring a guy instead?"

I look over at Dakota, who yells, "IS HE GAY?!"

"No, don't worry. He's definitely straight," she says.

So I say "Sure, that's fine." We're about to pick her up so I figure we may as well just go through with it either way.

We pick her up and this guy, who we'll call Josh, isn't there yet. After about five minutes we decide we want to go eat at Chik-fil-a (I wanted to go to a steakhouse because I'm classy like that but now I'm incredibly glad nobody else did). We wait at Chik-fil-a for twenty minutes so that Josh can come. THE WHOLE time, this girl I'm taking on a date is saying "I can't wait for you guys to meet Josh, he's so cool, he's the greatest!" Every time, Dakota and I say the same thing: "Yeah, we can't wait to meet him, he sounds cool!" She tells a story about how he got her a milkshake in the cutest way earlier that day about four times and Dakota is already giving me the "this isn't going to work out" face and I'm internally slamming my head on the table.

I had already asked her what she was doing with her life a few days before, but Dakota asks her now.

"So, what are you doing with your life? College, work, anything like that?"

She responds with a bored tone, which is strange considering it's something new to talk about rather than the same exact Josh story repeated over again.

"I'm not really doing anything right now... trying to find a job at a hospital or something because I have my CNA." Which is really cool, she was telling me that she was into health stuff which is a good thing to be interested in for sure.

"Normally I'm not really too busy," she continues, "but this week I have a date with a guy every single day."

It is at this point I look at Dakota with the "I'm going to kill myself" face, begging him to come up with something to say that will diffuse the situation.

"Well, it's good to stay busy!" My brain is simmering and I can't decipher if his statement worked well or not.

Somehow, in my moment of mental absence, she gets to talking about how she is "an alcoholic" and wants to work at a rehab center. My BS meters are continually rising like the "loud-o-meter" at a basketball game.

We sit in silence for a few more minutes, she tells the Josh milkshake story again, and then he finally arrives!

Josh is a big guy that looks like your stereotypical football player. He was definitely taller than six feet, and most likely weighs as much as Dakota and myself combined. Really big guy. We finally get everything ordered, my date makes a comment about the ketchup packets, and tries to ask me how I'm doing for what seems to be the millionth time already. I ask her back and she responds with the kind of response you can't respond to: "I'm good."

Dakota and Josh finish ordering their food and sit down. Josh is a pretty cool guy. He's more intelligent than he looks, at least in the book smarts department. We talk about video games, the current state of politics, and the fact that he actually used to live in Riverton and graduated from Riverton High, which is really close to where Dakota and I live. During all of this, my date remains completely silent despite my trying to inject her into the conversation with questions she gives one-word answers to. Josh and I have some mutual friends and Dakota's cousin is one of his best friends. Normally, this would be a great thing, but if you knew Dakota's cousin, you would know this spells trouble.

My heavy-minded hesitations are immediately realized when he checks his phone and mentions that his college roommate is "looking at drugs on the deep web."

Here we go.

He starts talking about how he parties every night since his dorm room is widely known throughout the building as THE party room. Dakota is into this, so naturally, he is down with Josh even more than he was before, but I grow more uncomfortable as the time passes by.

Everything goes silent for a bit as we munch on our food and take sips from our cups. I'm taking this moment to try and focus on being a gentleman as much as I can despite everything still going wrong. Dakota and I had even promised to not spout memes, as we normally do, but I was growing more impatient with every word spoken.

Out of nowhere, Josh puts down his phone and casually tosses a line over to my date that I never thought in a million years I would hear on a date in a Chik-fil-a.

"So, are you going to the orgy tonight?"

At first, my brain freezes out of bewilderment. I took another sip of my drink but halfway down the pipe I realized what had been said and started choking.

"WHAT?!" I gasped through coughs.

"Yeah, the orgy," Josh says, somehow more casually than the first time.

Dakota is still in the state of brain freeze.

"There's a room with two girls below us that has orgies every few days."

The conversation that followed is a blur, as my mind was still trying to process what I was hearing and the awful mistake it was to come out here. Josh and my date were talking about partying and orgies now, and it was at this time Dakota and I collectively decided that memes were an okay thing to do.

We started making jokes and laughing, and trying to tell funny stories of our own in a hopeless attempt to diffuse the pipe bomb that had already gone off. When we made a joke, neither my date or Josh would laugh. When we tried to tell a story, we would be interrupted. Together, we knew that if it wasn't before, the date was dead now.

Being the slowest eater alive, I still hadn't even touched my fries by the time everyone else had cleared their trays. I wanted a change of scenery and quick, figuring it would maybe get everyone's minds off of the current dastardly topics.

"Well, do you guys want to head out?"

Josh was the first one to respond, saying "You can come to my apartment if you want!"

I asked the question that has become one of the most important to me in the past couple years: "Is there anything illegal there?"

"I don't think there is right now."

I already knew my answer regardless of what we said, and that was a resounding no. I knew there was DEFINITELY something illegal there, be it alcohol, marijuana, or some sort of underground sex ring. Not a place I wanted to be.

"I think I'll pass. Let's just go to the park instead."

Dakota gave Josh a pat on the back and said, "Invite me next time, though!" I'm still not sure if he was doing that because he actually wanted to go over there, or if he was trying to be nice. Both options sound like something Dakota would do.

We walk out to the parking lot and I start heading to Dakota's car, almost instinctually. My date is yelling at Josh, asking if she can drive his car. He says that's fine, and she asks if I want to ride with them.

I'm not going to say no, she's my date after all. I should be in the same car. Josh opens up the passenger seat door and I ask "Do you want to just go with Dakota then?" He says something along the lines of "it'll be fine!" and I look over at Dakota's car, which he's in the process of starting.

"We can't just ditch Dakota, guys!"

I run over to grab him and bring him over to Josh's car. We sit in the back, while my date drives with Josh in the passenger seat.

"I've got a killer sound system in this car," Josh says.

Judging by his character, I already know how it's going to sound.

"Two 12-inch subs in the trunk!"

Now I know exactly how it's going to sound.

For reference, Dakota has an SUV with a single, fourteen-inch subwoofer in the back. It produces a rich bass that adequately rumbles your seat, and you can still hear the beautiful highs and mids in the rest of the song. Dakota's sound system is top notch.

Now, if you're sticking two twelve-inch subs in a tiny, four-seat car, you're going to have problems. In a car like that, you'd be best sticking with a single eight-inch. This guy has TWENTY-FOUR INCHES of unnecessary bass in his car!

Anyway, Josh blasts some EDM crap and all I can hear is the sound of sad speakers. They're constantly peaking and, although I'm getting a great sinus massage, I'm on the verge of crying. The date sucks, but not as much as this guy's music or sound equipment.

We get to the park in about five minutes (thank Neptune for that) and it's a pretty cool looking place. Crazy contraptions everywhere that I would've definitely killed myself on if I were a kid. You thought monkey bars were dangerous? Try suspended loops held together with some over-sized bungee cord. Top notch playground there. It still used woodchips but hey, you gotta' limit the budget somewhere.

My date gets a text from some angry girl wanting her clothes back. So she responds. Gets a text back. Responds.

This goes on for five minutes. Ten minutes. Twenty minutes. All the while, me and Dakota are shouting memes like our lives depend on it. Anything to kill what was bound to be crippling anxiety if I were there by myself.

My date then has the AUDACITY to apologize, saying, "Sorry I've been on my phone this whole time. I'm a really bad date."

She's right in that regard.

"Well, what are you gonna do," I say, drawing lines in the woodchips that literally spell out "HELP."

About ten minutes pass. My date is still on her phone, Josh is still talking to her about the clothing situation with this other girl, and Dakota and I are still trying to fill our lives with jokes and memes at any chance we get.

Finally, my date declares, "I should probably get her those clothes tonight. When do you guys want to leave?"

I'm still trying to be as gentleman-like as possible for some reason, so I look at Dakota to ask when he wants to go home. I've got a desperate look in my eye and I'm sure he picked it up.

"I kind of wanted to be in bed by ten," he says while I pull out my phone. It's just after eight and we've got an hour long drive ahead of us. Perfect timing.

We head back to Josh music slaughtering car and Dakota takes a seat in the front since Josh is driving this time. Cleverly, he asks if he can play some music over the sound system and tries to pick one with the least amount of bass possible. Of course, what good is a music slaughterer if it doesn't slaughter EVERYTHING? The song is turned into utter trash but at the very least, it wasn't something that threatened to destroy the speakers.

My date took some Snapchat videos that I tried to act as sedated as possible in, we made it back to Dakota's car, she gave me a hug and said thanks (to which I replied "yup") and I waited for Dakota to unlock the vehicle that would be my savior.

The second the doors closed, I jokingly told Dakota, "Let's just be gay!"

The whole ride back home we told this same story time and time again, just like my date telling the story of Josh and the milkshake.