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Mental Abuse Is Not Gender Specific

All sexes can cause mental abuse.

By Peter RosePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Mental Abuse Is Not Gender Specific

There have been many articles in the press about the abuse women suffer because men take away their self-confidence and are constantly demeaning them. Abuse without bruises was a typical headline and always with pictures of angry, abusive men. This type of abuse is not only perpetrated by men. In fact I would suggest that as many women do this to men, as do men to women. Women can be more subtle than men but they can still undermine the self-esteem in so many ways. Constant criticism over appearance and income, is common. Men and women generally, but not always, place differing emphasis on the importance of appearance, while men tend to value function, the efficiency with which something works, over what it looks like. It is an old contest between form and function. Women generally tend to value appearance far more than actual function. How many times a day does the following mini-scene (with local variations) get played? Wife to male spouse, “You are not going out in that old hat?”

The male responds with “But I am only going to dig the garden.”

This gets a further response, “The neighbours will see you.”

Male reaction to this, “Why the heck does that matter?” He then discards favourite old hat and puts on new one, which falls in the mud.

Wife, “Why don't you ever take care of anything, that hat is ruined and I bought it for you, you just don't care.” Time for tears and shouts and sullen silences.

One other often witnessed situation concerns the appearance of the family car. The male member of the household, checks oil, water, tire pressure, brake and clutch fluids, and pronounces the car is OK, fully road worthy. Female then responds with comment about, “we” are not going to visit anyone in a dirty car, must get cleaned. The use of the “we” is telling, since the male partner is quite willing to travel in a dirty car as long as it does not breakdown but the female insists “we” can not do this. If the car does breakdown, despite being clean and shiny, this is inevitably, the fault of the male.

Wives are far more likely to criticise the appearance, or body shape, of their husbands than husbands are to voice a hint of a suggestion, of possible slight negative view, of the wife's appearance. This again is a gender difference, it does not mean the male does not care what the female looks like, but it is that they have differing priorities. He may wish to get to an appointment on time, she wants to get there looking her best. Most husbands, of more than a few years, have learnt to simply wear clothes the female partner chooses and gets used to the partner not wearing things he has expressed a preference for. There is a saying that “He will do anything for a quiet life” and I know many men who behave; at least in their personal relationships, just like this. I expect there are women who also follow this line, especially noticed when dealing with other female members of their immediate family, particularly mothers. The relationship between mothers and daughters often seems a fraught and damaging one. I have observed many more cases where the mother weakens a daughters self-esteem than I have where male spouses do so.

The deep personal relationship that exists, when two people live together and spend almost all their non-working time together, is often a complex interplay because of the learned or conditioned behavior, of both people. Conditioning that usually dates from before the relationship formed. The emotional influences from outside this relationship, such as working situations or interplay with neighbours, can only find expression and release inside the relationship. Often, neither party knows that they are releasing some pent up emotion caused by a mix of historic conditioning and a third party influence. The fact that they do not recognise this can add to the damage caused.

A great deal of unnecessary pain is caused by misunderstandings, people who live in the same house for a long time get used to talking to each other without looking at each other. This can mean they talk to their partner when they are not within hearing distance. The speaker is then absolutely certain that they told their partner something; while the partner is equally sure they were not told. One very large problem is that we all take our personal relationships, personally. Often a person's mood is caused by other people, especially family and when the partnership is a later, second relationship, it is family that is not “blood tied” to both participants; but the present partner gets the vibes, the feeling, the negative effects of the situation.

No amount of reading agony aunts (or uncles) can help; nor can “self-help” books, unless the basic lesson, that this is SELF-help guidance, is taken to heart. They are not meant as instructions for the partner, they are guidance for what the reader should do for themselves. Human interpersonal relationships are complex and filled with potential for pain but they are also rewarding, satisfying and can fill both people with joy and happiness.

humanity
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About the Creator

Peter Rose

Collections of "my" vocal essays with additions, are available as printed books ASIN 197680615 and 1980878536 also some fictional works and some e books available at Amazon;-

amazon.com/author/healthandfunpeterrose

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