Millennials Next Target

Millennials. Is there nothing these pesky "young adults" won't try to ruin? First, they get married and stay married. Who told them that this was OK? Divorce was invented so that we didn't have to stay with one partner anymore. This is what our forefathers wanted for us. The ability to divorce and to have Donald Trump as President. He says the things that we wish we could like "covfefe." Brilliant. But Millennials don't like him either because they don't like nice things. Now, they have a new target in their sights and plan on destroying an industry that only makes billions of dollars a year: The wedding industry!

First, they came for cheese, and nothing was said. Then, they came for divorce, and we shrugged. Not a peep when they stopped going out to eat because why bother? Then, they started intruding on key and swinging parties, and boomers got mad. They started fighting back and asking why this generation insisted on moving back in with their parents when they weren't occupying Wall Street. When asked why they aren't getting married, they sass back with why boomers can't stay married. Who asked them to question us?

Now, that they have effectively killed the divorce industry, they are targeting the wedding and wedding loan industries. What do Millennials have against millionaires making more money and making sure the poor stay indebted to them? It's old fashioned values that are being questioned and put in peril.

One might think the picture above is a joke, that they were just being silly, but a Millennial actually sent out a call to arms to destroy the wedding industry. He claims that they shouldn't go into debt for a "party and a dress." If people don't go into debt for the person they want to have sex with for a few years, then who do you go into debt for? Millennials don't understand how the real world works. Maybe if they did, they would realize that there is nothing more precious than spending your life with the person that you will grow to hate and have a massive court battle with in order to go on and have sex with another partner. Plus a wedding is the only place that a Priest allows a couple to kiss in the chapel.

People show their love by announcing it in front of hundreds of guests, and making out whenever the crowds ask them to. That's how things have worked for hundreds of years, but suddenly these kids don't think it's OK anymore. They claim it's an archaic tradition, just like making grilled cheese with slices of American cheese. They don't know what they are talking about though, and it's evident because they put avocado on toast, instead of on chips as guacamole.

Boomers made a mistake by telling their kid to think for themselves. They should have gone the route of the Greatest Generation and ordered the children to believe what they did, or they could go to the orphanage. Then America would still be great and people would be getting married, and then divorced! Instead, we have a violent youngin' calling for an end to weddings and debt—and not even being arrested for it. Won't someone think of the millionaires?!

Someone needs to check on Vera Wang to make sure she isn't too upset by the call to destroy the industry that she has cornered. What will she do without the Bridezillas screaming that she needs to design their dress? Is she supposed to work a regular job? Among civilians? That is a real tragedy. It's time to get these millennials back in line and following the paths that have worked so well for everyone before. Let's make weddings great again!