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Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Is It Me?

I'm not sure if it's a "me thing," or if over time I caused myself to become the person I am today. I keep searching for love, and usually it starts off well, and then ends up like everything else in my life. I was never given the opportunity to experience real love from my dad, so I think that resulted in me looking for love within the people I date. Nah, my dad's not dead, yes he was apart of my life growing up, but he still wasn't there. My mother had to beg him to show up and be a father, and it felt like maybe it's me, maybe I caused everything. We lived in the same household, and I felt unloved by him. I never heard my father say "I Love You," "You're Beautiful." Certain things I wanted, he didn't do, well most things. Actually, I realized it is a "me thing," because he tells my younger siblings everything I wanted to hear for the past 20 years of my life. So yeah IT IS ME! I've dated a lot of guys, made a lot of mistakes looking for love, and I really wish I could start over. It's funny how—well not really funny—but the guys I speak to can never love me the way I want. Is it me? Do I come on too strong, too fast? I rush things. Yeah, maybe that's it. I have so much love to give; I'm such a loving person, and all I ever wanted was love and loyalty in return. Even though my dad has done me wrong, betrayed me, called me out of my name, and physically abused me; I have no clue why I leave the door cracked open. I never completely close it, and keep my life pushing. I keep thinking maybe he'll come around, maybe he doesn't hate me, and I'm overreacting. My heart won't let me hate him, and I don't know why. He's the reason for my heartbreaks, and the constant search for love.

I blamed my father for the reason my self-esteem plummeted. I must be so ugly that even my own father can't tell me that I'm beautiful. To add to the issues, I was bullied in school, it was so bad my hair started to fall out. I no longer watched myself in the mirror, and whenever my mom combed my hair, I would stoop low so that the mirror only showed the hairstyle. Okay, so it is me.