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Missing You

My mind will remember what my body forgets.

I can try, but will never forget to miss you. Sometimes when I think of you I want to drink the cabinets dry, curse your name until my throat is numb, then smoke my lungs black. Then I remember that after all of that, I still can't have you. These nights I miss you with every broken piece of me, and I often find my heart growing heavy as the stillness sets in. My mind begins to drift and yet the only thing it ever wanders to is you. You and her, your new lover. I think about her skin. Is it softer than mine? Why do I do that? I let these thoughts collide in my head. Slow at first, and then they begin to come faster and faster, one after another. It feels like I'm spinning. Tears begin to cascade down my raw cheeks, stinging in the crisp air of the night. I imagine our car rides without a destination, stealing kisses at every red light. The afternoons spent with our bodies tangled so perfectly in my sheets. Bantering over whose turn it was to pick the movie or restaurant of the night. Although, now it isn't me riding shotgun, not my body under yours, but hers. I can’t help myself but to wonder, do you love her? I mean the kind of love that fills you up, the kind that makes you feel whole. Love that lifts you up and sets your soul free. I mean love that is felt, love that hurts. Do you really love her? I love you. I know this because, after all this pain, I still wish you the best. I love you because although I could not make you happy, I still hope that she can. I know I love you because I will never forget you, and I will see you in every place I go. I will see you in the color red because it was the color of your favorite shirt. I will see you in the crappy blue nail polish that I always manage to paint all over my fingers, because it was your favorite one. And I know I love you because you moved on, and somehow I feel that I will never be whole. Sometimes, do you think of me? All the time, I think about you. So many days spent talking to you, so many nights spent wasting away the hours of the dark, so many minutes spent enjoying your company. Had I known the last day was the last day, that the last night was the last night; maybe I’d have soaked up every moment, never taking a single second for granted. Perhaps I’d have said something to make you stay, done something to make you want me the way I wanted you. And I know that the human body completely replenishes itself on an average of eleven years. New bones, new cells; a whole new body to take on the next eleven-year adventure. How relieved my skin must feel to know that within a matter of time it will no longer yearn for your touch, it will no longer remember how badly it once missed you. I wonder if my next skin will be softer, more to your liking; more like hers. But how sad my mind must feel knowing that my body will one day forget you, my most precious memory. And yet, how safe my heart must feel knowing one day it will heal from all this pain you have inflicted. Eleven years from now, I will be sitting in a body that you have never touched. However, a lifetime from now, my mind will still be shaped by you.