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In the bad days, I feared myself.
I feared what would happen to me if I let this continue any longer.
What was I doing? Why did I believe I deserve this? What do I do next?
Relationships can be a beautiful thing. Relationships with people who understand you, who want to help you grow and become a better person are what you should strive for. These can be some of the best things in your life. To have your own person who understands you fully and better than you may even understand yourself, someone who has nothing but love, adoration, and hope for you can be magical. Sadly for some, what may seem like the perfect romance on the outside, in reality, is a personal hell for one or both of the people in the actual relationship. The pain never starts the same way. It does, however, start off due to the smallest of things. Maybe it was a disagreement that turns into an insult, maybe someone had been degrading the other for the most minuscule reasons, the lack of trust, it could be anything.
It was a total of nearly five years, five years of what was thought to be love, albeit in and out for some time. Five years of what could have been looked and thought of as it. Five years, wasted. The spiraling came, and it happened faster than either of us ever could have anticipated it. The toxicity was real and I could no longer breathe.
My fault was evident. There was something in me that said no, stay. I didn't want to lose him, by thinking this way, I lost myself in the process.
I became a girl that I didn't recognize. I became the girl I told myself I would never become.
I was now someone who even though was continually being mistreated, formed a habit of saying "I'm used to it." I became a girl who kept being taken for granted and dealt with it by repeating "everything's okay." I became someone who was undervalued and too easily learned how to say "I'm fine" in any and every situation. I was now a girl who kept being put last and naturally reacted with "it's whatever." I became a girl who although unhappy, regularly told people "I'm gonna be fine." A girl who while more than evidently was unappreciated in so many aspects, began to tell myself and others that "it's okay." I was a walking heartbreak in disguise, faking every smile that was on my face. A picture perfect beauty with a reflection that lied.
At this point, perhaps losing him was the only way I’d be able to get myself back. As much as I wouldn't want this to be true, he was the only thing in my way of finding myself and he was the only reason I lost myself for so long.
The remnants of this relationship have stuck with me even today. My current relationships are affected by the toxicity of the last. I'm left questioning if I'm good enough, questioning every move I make, questioning if I say too much, say too little, it all happens. Every moment that may not be okay begins the building of a wall made of self-doubt and self-worth. A self-proclaimed hopeless romantic, my heart is worn on my sleeve from the very start and it's never an easy thing. Some say things that are worth it aren't easy but does anyone ever get a break from that? It can't all be that bad... right?
When hands are placed upon each other in a way any other than loving, you should know it’s time to leave. Why did I allow it to get that far I may never have an answer for. There is no love in the equation if raising hands, feet, or objects are one half of the problem. No real love would cause such pain. But I escaped and I could finally breathe a new air again.
Every day was a constant battle. Besides the prominent issues on the surface, there was one within myself. It's so easy to help others in times like these but when I found myself in these uncomfortable shoes, my ability to speak and think went right out the window. Bad relationships have the power to change good people. The reality of it comes whether you let them change you. It's not always easy to walk away from some situations. But let me tell you, when you do... you'll find you're a whole new person. You'll never meet the right people if you don't let go of the wrong ones. Each day able to breathe the air of a new day and a new you. Each day I remind myself that one day, I will be in the place I've always wanted to be.