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What happens when you settle for less, for the men who were, or were about to become, abusive boyfriends? You feel lost, empty, hopeless, but afterwards you become smarter, wiser to know not to make the same mistakes again, and most importantly, you become stronger.
Now men, let’s say you’ve experienced harsh heartbreak from a woman you really loved, whether it be cheating, stealing, or constant put-me-downs from abusive (mentally, emotionally, and/or physically) girlfriends. Now you feel you can’t trust again, because how can you trust when you believed all the lies she told you, you fell for every single trap, you don’t know what’s real or not anymore, and now you can’t or refuse to look at other women the same way again? You gave it all and she blew it all in one shot.
Let me tell you that regardless whether in relationships (and I’m not just talking about heterosexual relationships either, as the above was just a generic example) between couples or friendships, these issues are bound to happen at some point in our lives and it is crucial for us to reflect on them a bit if it is causing a roadblock in our lives to moving on. And what is the cause of this roadblock? Mistrust.
People often told me, you have a lot of hate in you, a lot of mistrust. I used to reply with every venom in my breath it is because the world hates me and because my trust has always been abused by everyone I meet. This is not necessarily true.
See, the thing is, once you have this mindset where you feel you cannot move on from the past, this then turns into trauma and if it gets bad enough, may even lead to the paranoia of the next person doing whatever caused the mistrust to happen. You will start to answer everything bitterly and look at things negatively, like a slippery slope. However, things don't have to be this way—not if you let it.
Let’s look at it this way. You have your own kingdom here on Earth. You see the world as it is. Let’s say you shared your entire life with this person, your every secret, passions, likes, dislikes, literally everything with this person, and they let you down. They let you down twice now and you notice it becomes a pattern. So why stick around? Because you think you aren’t worth it, that you won’t find another person like them? Well, you are right in that sense—you won’t find another them because someone else who may have those qualities you like may be a different, better person who won’t end up hurting you. I know how it feels to have to learn how to trust again. I’m not saying you should start trusting with open arms and get hurt all over again, as it is inevitable whatever happens. But I am saying that not every person is the same.
Not every person will look at you like a business asset of, "what can this person do for me?" Friendship should lie in the comfort of their own presence, not just the material aspects of what they can provide. Romantic relationships, on the other hand, should have a give and take element to it, but most importantly liking and loving each other for who they really are. True love accepts whatever flaws each person may have by working through it, but if it is forced, this is a question only you can answer deep down inside of if you truly want to spend the rest of your life together with this person or not, or if you want to invest your life with hers? If you are unhappy and only doing it for that other person, think about how they might feel if they know that this love was unrequited, or not quite what that other person feels. It is like giving an unfinished cake to the table and saying dessert is served.
Be true to yourself, and don’t let the past haunt you. Don’t let each experience turn into trauma or that roadstop that prevents you from building proper relations with others, even business wise!
I want you to do these simple steps, and see if they have made any difference in your lives to overcoming the pain that was in your past from the mistrust of the person you loved or cared about the most:
- Talk it out… try to talk rationally with your partner and see why they did or said those things, and try to compromise with them. Acknowledge your faults but also assert how you think they hurt you. But remember that you won’t get it out so much that easily through anger. Try to talk with them at a good time.
- If no one is willing to come to a compromise or if it was as intense that you walked out, vowing to never see this person again, then by all means, you do #3.
- Let it all out. Cry, shout, scream, use an outlet but make sure that outlet isn’t a person that your expressing anger onto. Don’t you remember that line from 5th harmony… shout it from the rooftops… only thing I disagree with is that all is not impossible. 😉
- Remember that this is not your final destination; work with time, enjoy living your own life not depending on someone else and not resting the majority of your happiness onto someone else.
- Don’t ask yourself how long it will take to heal. WORK on healing.
- Do this by watching comedies, or going out to social events with friends or family, or even alone to the places you like going to. Happiness does lead to longevity and a good heart! It replaces those heartstrings that fell by new stronger ones.
- Remember that there are billions of people on this Earth. You can’t let one or even a few dozen stop you from being whoever you want to be or doing whatever you want to do. Don’t let them control you. Even if they are out of your life and you’re still wailing over what a jerk they are (guilty), let this come to pass.
- You gotta appreciate everything you have and what you got! And don’t say you don’t have any talents. Look at what amazing skills you have, look at what you have accomplished. Look at everything you did and still have that makes you great. You need a good look in the mirror and appreciate yourself.
- Screw what they say. No matter who put you down, this only becomes fear for when your body perceives these people as a threat. Then you start thinking that everyone perceives you the same way, however this is not true in the slightest (which I will explain in the next article, Perspectives). These people who put you down, remember that they are:
A) Still insecure in themselves that they go ahead and pick on others.
B) They do this to literally everyone, not just you.
C) They are only tiny little speck that talked trash while there are still many others in this world who recognize and will recognize your worth, but remember that this must start with you first.
- Love yourself first. Above all, learn to have self-respect and self-love. It is crucial in the sense that it will make you expect less, and attach yourself less, as some people have the tendency to leave when you least expect it.
- Don’t assume that you know exactly what they are thinking when you really don’t. Even if it takes years to get to know a person, if you don’t even know yourself, how you do figure that that person next to you doesn’t feel the same way, and you blame them for becoming a stranger? We can’t know exactly what is on their minds, which is what some psychologists call a negative thinking, “mind-reader.” And it is true. They may say one thing and do the next, maybe because they were lying or simply because they changed their minds for various reasons. People are constantly changing, but you will meet the ones that won’t change for you and will respect you regardless because they truly care for you. Those are always the ones worth keeping in your lives. Keep that spot open. Even if that person was the one who left you, not everyone will leave like that person did. I will explain in my other article further called “Expectations.”
- The less you expect, the less hurt you will be; the less you become attached, and the more you focus on what you want to do in life, the more happier you will be, and the right person will just add onto that happiness that you have already established within yourself. Remember, there are billions of people on this earth…. People from all races and ethnicities… why settle for less than what you deserve or be hung up on them? It’s time to put all that to an end. Wake up and start anew. Start fresh. Love yourself. And be free.