Mixed Feelings // Salt Wounds + Midnight Blues

I've noticed that it's hard to stop loving someone, even though they've wronged you, even though you hate them, even though they might have been a straight up ass to you; you still have a hard time separating yourself from them when you've been connected to this person.

When you've been in a relationship, it's so hard to separate yourself from that person who was your person at one time. It's a mental trip. You go to hug them but you want to kiss them because that was your norm. Then you have to remember that you aren't dating anymore so that would be weird. It's so hard to not be thinking about them. To constantly talk to them. To have your after-work-Netflix buddy. To just have them in your life day in and day out. It's so hard to separate your life from their's because your lives have been intertwined for however long you two have been dating.

Sometime last week, I was thinking about this. I was thinking about how hard it is to create space between two people who have been involved in each other's lives... and how it's been for me. It's been ridiculously difficult not have my partner and crime by my side. To find my independence again. I'm very independent by nature and always have been. I never counted or depended on anyone to help me figure out life. I basically raised myself emotionally since the start. I never thought I would find anyone for me or good enough for me. It's not that I have high standards it's just that what I want in a dude has never been present until I met my ex and I was like, "Well, shit. There is someone for everyone." I never thought I would find someone, let alone someone like him. He was pretty much everything I wanted in a guy. And the real trip fest is that he was older, my first boyfriend, my neighbor, and we pretty much just—flowed. We had no problems...until the end. Then everything went sour. When we broke up, I just got mad...then sad...then confused. And I've been confused ever since. He was fine when we broke up. Still is. I don't understand it.

But last week, I just got angry. I was angry that I've let my mind control me this way. I was angry that I've let this situation control me for the last five months day in and day out. It's been a mind trip every day ever since we split. I've talked to him about it. I still don't get any answers every time or at least answers that make sense. I hate how I lost myself in this relationship. I think he made me better in some ways...he got me out of a bad period of my life. He made me happy. We went on some crazy ass adventures which left me with some good memories that I kind of needed. I was 17 and had traveled miles around the globe but I hadn't done the typical shit that 17-year-olds do. Not the kind of stuff that you look back and laugh about with your friends. He helped me knock off some of those milestones. But our relationship (although it feels like I had been dating him for years) was brief and ended quick. Looking back now, I know I was stupid to let a man dictate my happiness. Or any person. Now, months later; I'm stuck in this position that I'm always in when I catch feelings and get hurt in the end—confused, frustrated because it controls me. Plays mind games with me. Leaves me like this for months. I hate it.

I got pissed off enough that I told myself, "No. I'm done with this. I'm going to tell him how much he's hurt me and make him cry because of it. I want to cry so he sees how much he's hurt me. I want him to see how much he's hurt me. I want to see him uncomfortable and/or in pain." And I set off to make sure to tell him everything I wanted to say.

I was in bitch mode all weekend. I was flat out mean to him. I have no regrets about anything that I said because I think it needed to be said. I think things unfolded that way for a reason. He got pissed off enough that he kind of squared up on me and of course my ego said, "LET'S GO BRO." So I wandered out and thought I was going to talk to him immediately about it and shut him down but... I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I kept thinking, 'Oh my god, stop being a pussy about it! Just bring it down!' But I couldn't do it. I couldn't.

A half an hour rolls by...nothing. An hour later...nothing. Finally, just as I thought I was about to leave, that's when it happened. And for once in my life, I was a complete bitch to him. It felt good. Empowering. I was pissed. I had every right to be. I said what I needed to be said but it wasn't the result that I wanted it to be. All I got back was not tears, but love. And I hate him because of that.

He didn't cry, he made me almost cry. He made me speechless. He stumped me. I didn't know what to say. I also was fading fast. I was tired. My brain wasn't working so all of this was too much at the time. But he made me self-reflect for like a solid two minutes. I was silent, which never happens. He opened more salt wounds. And to this day, I don't know how to deal with them. I just don't.

"I don't care if you hate me. I'm still going to bug you. I'm still going to ask you how you're doing. I still love you."

"Yeah but you don't and didn't love me the way I loved you..."

He stared at me. I knew that that was probably the most honest thing I was going to say all day.

"But we're still surf buddies for life. You said so."

I was thinking back to all of the things I've said to him. I have a "dialectic memory," so I know what I say to other people and what people say to me. I did say that, but he used it in the wrong context and I hate it. I couldn't tell him that at the time. I didn't know how. He also came back at me with love and I'm not used to that so I sat there...silent.

I just sighed and stayed silent for what felt like forever. For once in my life, I was the one without the answers. I was the one without the snarky, quick, clever comeback. I was the one who was tongue-tied. I was silent. And it was probably the worst time in my life to be silent. I only had one chance. There was a lot of things I needed to say and I said some but not all. Or I didn't say them right. Meanwhile, he told me some other stuff that hurt like a bitch to hear. I'm still raw from it. It stings. But it also connected a lot of pieces together like, why we didn't work out.

I still sat there though. For a long time... unsure of the next thing I was going to say or do. I saw my hate and I told myself to stick by it. Be hard on him. Be hard to pushover. I had suppressed for so long that I couldn't anymore and I needed to be a bitch. But I saw my bitchiness and I saw his love and I couldn't stand myself anymore. 'Why am I being a bitch? He's clearly genuine about everything that he's saying.' He was. I can tell. I have a 7th sense for that kind of stuff. Bitchiness doesn't sit well with me all of the time. This was one of those times.

I didn't know what to say or do, so I said my goodbyes and left. Again, with more mixed feelings. A week later, I am still confused. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need to stop seeing him, talking to him, whatever. I don't know. I also hate how when I talk to him, everything in my world seems right. And I guess that's why I'm still lulling around. I think I'll only separate when he gets another girl because that's when reality will sink in.

Kids, don't fall in love. All it does is create mixed emotions which are worse than crying in your room every night. Fall in love with a hobby or something that matters to the world. Don't fall in love with someone else.

xx

-lo