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Once again, I had finally had enough of this on again, off again FWB arrangement that we started in May 2017. Our first hook up was May 28. I will never forget the date because it's my parents anniversary. He was playing that game of cat and mouse once again. I'd told him numerous times that I would leave him alone, once and for all. "Just tell me, Chase. I'll be out of your messenger and life once and for all." His response was always no response. A few days or weeks would go by and either I would give in and reach out to him or he would send me some cute picture of himself, knowing that I would cave.
To date, he has yet to tell me to go away. Early one morning back in February out of pure frustration, I sent him an email. This was madness; insanity. I certainly must be insane to continue entertaining this nonsense. I was breaking my own rules. He was totally disrespecting me. In turn, I was totally disrespecting myself and giving him permission to continue to do so by not cutting him off and never looking back.
Subject: No reply necessary or expected.
I'm sorry for my verbal lashing, cursing, and judgements. If only I had ever been able to master the art of counting to 10 before acting or verbalizing. Why can I NOT react to your actions or lack thereof? If only I could do as you do and simply sit back and not do a damn thing further, but wait for you to finally text or message me? Why can't I just ignore you like you're so good at doing to me?
I can be an asshole. I certainly was being one the other night. I wasn't mad. My feelings were hurt. I felt like an idiot. I was embarrassed. We all have our limits. I reached mine upon that final realization that neither my presence nor absence in your world is of any concern to you. I'm merely an option for you when none other is available.
This "thing" we've had has ALWAYS been on your terms, your schedule, and YOUR desire. This is the fourth or fifth time that I've gotten my feelings hurt and called you out. You never respond to it or mention it. You sit back for a little while and say absolutely nothing. Then out of the blue, I'll get some cute little picture of Chase, a picture of some weird or funny shit sent to me as a way to get my attention. You know I won't ignore you, even though you ignore me all the time. Like clockwork, you end up at my house and in my bed before the night is over.
I told you about a month go that if we never had sex again, as long as we could stay friends, I would be okay with that. Why? Because I really do think you're an awesome person. Friendship is a two way street. Our "WTFevership" has been a one way the entire time. YOUR way. For me to hold hope that it will ever be mutual is a dead end. It's also a waste of my time, energy, and hurt feelings. Especially when there are others who would gladly take your spot.
You're not my only option, Chase. Yes, you have been my preferred option, my favorite option. You would be my only choice, hands down, if I knew you'd stop coming around just long enough to rock my world, turn my shit completely upside down like a fucking tornado, ensuring that the only thing I can even think about is when you'll be back to throw that shit on me again. You know exactly what you're doing and now I'm finally seeing it. I'm begging you for your time, attention, and company. However, I only get it when it's YOUR idea and a few times when you thought that you were about to be permanently replaced.
I really should be ashamed of myself. I have one guy that literally started asking me out almost a year ago. To begin with, I just ignored him. He backed off for a little while. This went on for 8 months. He finally caught me when I had nothing better to do and no other options in sight. Finally, I went out with him. I have been so rude, blunt, and bitchy to this man; yet he still comes around. He has made his intentions and desire to be with me, as much as I allow, crystal clear.
In closing, Monday's question of the day... WTF is wrong with this picture?Ponder that one. Wrap your head around just how fucked up we humans really are!
I did remove you from my contacts. I never memorized your number. The piece of sandpaper you wrote it on was thrown away a few months ago. I may be slow, but I do eventually figure shit out. If I want a regular piece of ass, I need to stop treating the one that's being consistent with his affections the same way I've been treated. Again, everyone has their limits. Once that limit is reached, there's generally no turning back.
I'm not hating you. I don't think I ever could hate you. However, my opinion of you is not as high as it once was. Of course, that's my issue. If you're okay with what you're putting out there and are able to lay your head down (when you do finally get tired and go to sleep), then you're good. I really must start going with my first instinct. It's never led me astray. Had I gone with it in regards to what we've had going on, I would have walked away from it over the summer with my dignity still intact.
There would be no hurt or sour feelings. I would have nothing but awesome memories of this younger man who walked into my life, totally unexpected, rocked my world, and made me realize that I damn sure did still desire sex! It wasn't grief over losing my son. It wasn't menopause. I wasn't the one with the problem. The problem was with the ex, his addiction to porn, and jacking his dick 24/7.
Modern day fairy tale. True story! The end!
*I would like to thank Chase for the starring, award worthy role that he played in my sexual awakening.
**Yes, I can be an asshole but I'll always be an honest asshole. I'll also always give credit where credit is due.