MonoPoly

What is Polyamory?

It never ceases to amaze me that whenever this topic comes up, there are still inevitably some people who say, “Poly what?”

So, let me start with a quick explanation of what it means to be polyamorous. Polyamory is, in effect, loving and being in a relationship with more than one person at a time. Gasp! I know some of you are already going, “Wait, so basically you mean cheating?” No. No, I do not mean "cheating." Cheating implies doing something against the rules, and in a relationship which is agreed to be monogamous, this would be cheating but not in a polyamorous relationship.

You see, polyamory (or poly for short) is a type of relationship in which all parties knowingly consent to their partners becoming or already being involved with other people. For some, this may be three or more people all in a relationship with each other; for others it may be multiple, separate relationships. A poly relationship may be opened to casual sex or not. Some groupings may decide to close their relationship to both casual encounters and new relationships, keeping the select few and adding no one else. Each relationship may set its own rules, and you’ll find they vary greatly from relationship to relationship. However, two things remain the same: Honesty and consent.

Okay, with that part out of the way…

Do you have to actively be with more than one person to be poly?

In short, the answer is no. Poly is more about what you feel is right for you. Do you believe that you can be in love with and involved with more than one person at a time? Or do you believe that relationships should be strictly confined to two people? It’s a mindset as much as a lifestyle.

Some people may go years and years without being in any relationship at all but still be polyamorous. Other folks may fluctuate between being with just one person and being with several people and still be poly. I have considered myself to be poly for many years now, but for the last three years or so, I’ve only been with one person. I’m still poly. I just am not currently interested in pursuing and cultivating other relationships. Hell, I barely have time for the one relationship I am in.

My boyfriend, however, does have another partner, and I’m tickled pink for him. It’s funny; when we first met, I was poly, but he wasn’t. Although he was open to the idea and accepted that I would see other people, it wasn't something he thought he'd do himself. When he met his other partner, they became fast friends… and I just knew. I watched them together, and I knew they would end up in a relationship. And I think they’re perfect for each other. I feel so much compersion when I watch the two of them interact.

What the heck is compersion?

I like to think of compersion as the ooey-gooey, sticky-sweet, warm and tingly all over feeling us poly people get when we see our partners finding happiness with another partner. That being said, the definition has been expanded to cover feelings of joy in witnessing other’s joy—even when you’re not in a romantic relationship with that individual. Not everyone experiences this feeling in poly relationships, though, and that’s completely okay.

But don’t you get jealous?

On occasion, yes. I really wanted to go watch The Shape of Water when it hit theaters with my boyfriend—and we’d planned to—but for some reason, I can’t even remember why right now, he wasn’t able to go. Fast-forward to when the movie was released on DVD/Blue Ray and he brought it over for me to watch. I found out that not only had he already watched the movie without me—something we were meant to do together—but he’d watched it with his other partner. I was a bit angry and jealous for all of five minutes. Then, I got over it. FYI, it turned out that I actually ended up being kind of disappointed in the movie, but that’s a whole other article.

So, you still think you’re poly?

Absolutely. I may not be in a good space right now to be with more than one person, but I know, without a doubt, there will come a time again when I meet a second "special someone" and fall in love with them. I’ll still love the man I’m with now, that’s not going to change. The new person will know from the start that I am poly and already in a relationship with no intentions of ending things. If they can accept that, and they want to be with me, too, then that’s fantastic. If they can’t accept it, then they won’t be someone I’ll be involved with. Honesty and consent.