Moving On

I've been single for a good eight years now and there's a reason for that. I guess you could say I wasn't really ready for a relationship, even though I've been in a few throughout high school, and in my early 20s. I always thought being in a relationship would make me happy. I was engaged at 20 and that was a rocky relationship. But I was young and dumb at the time. I wasn't in love with her. I was in love with the idea. But that's another story.

My last relationship was an on and off affair for about five years. I was introduced to her through a friend and we just simply had a connection. Again, I was young and my stupid self fell in love after a week. Of course it freaked her out. So there I was head over heels for this girl. But, I wasn't thinking clearly. I ignored the first red flag.

She was with someone else, and she kept promising me she would leave them. I kept my hopes up and she just kept feeding me promises. Then, she cut me off the first time. It wasn't too long after her, I was in a relationship with someone else. That is also another story. I moved out of my state to start fresh and to just get away from everything. A year of being away, I found out she got married.

But that didn't take her long to get into contact with me, her wishing I was back and again with the promise of her leaving her spouse for me, even thinking about moving to where I was. I again ignored another red flag. My friend that introduced me told me that I shouldn't give in to her, because she would only break my heart. I was only 22 at this point and again still young and dumb. We even talked about having a future together.

There I was happy again because of the promises she made. Again, she cuts me off. I get into another relationship and that one I screwed up. I learned from my mistakes a little too late. The cycle began again. I couldn't help it, she was everything I seemed to want in someone. I moved back to my home and she found out. We started the same cycle all over again. I thought for sure this time things would be different.

But I was wrong again. I ignored everyone's advice and kept getting my heart stomped on. Another year goes by of me just being strung along by her. I move away again, partly just to get away from her. The very next day I get a text from her asking if I had left already. I told her that she was too late and for her to find someone else.

I didn't hear from her for about two years and for the first time I was able to live my life. I didn't think about her, I didn't spend a single moment hoping she would text me or message me. I had a good job, a place of my own, and life seemed to be going well, until I got the phone call I had to return home. My grandmother had died and she was the first person I wanted to call but I didn't. I wanted to hear her voice and tell me everything was going to be okay. That thought left my mind as soon as the plane landed in FL.

I was surrounded by family, barely on my phone, only keeping in touch with select friends. That's when I saw her name pop up. I thought she didn't have my number and she said all the right things I needed to hear. She even asked me if I was coming back. I caved in, no matter how many times I told myself to be strong. Once everything was said and done, I made final preparations to return home. The cycle began again. Only this time I knew I had to get out and move on.

It really did feel like a relationship and I thought for sure we were going to go all the way. The empty promises started again. I couldn't hold on this time. When she finally told me she couldn't do it anymore, that's when I knew I needed a change in myself. It was my sister's fiance that started to help me begin a journey down a road I should have started in the first place. I wasn't happy with myself. I thought she was my happiness. But I slowly started to open my eyes more.

I found out she started to date a friend of mine. That's when I found out about her divorce and how she discovered herself. I would ignore her when I found out she would be at the same bar my friends and I were at. But I could feel her eyes on me. I continued to ignore her and have a good time with my friends. I slowly becoming happy with myself. I started a new job that I'm currently at now. I was working out again, eating better, learning how to not force a smile.

I was discovering who I was and who I wanted to be. Writing became natural for a while, then I got blocked again. I turned to music at this point. It was my saving grace for the longest time, still is. I discovered new bands and singers I never thought I would like and now I love them. It was in my mid-20s I started to throw myself into work, working long hours to keep myself distracted from anything and everything. I was using work as an excuse to get over her.

She came back in my life at least two more times. The second time I FINALLY told her what she put me through for the last six years or so. She of course came back at me and I didn't know if she was gloating or apologizing. Either way, I said what I should have said the first time I saw the red flag. It was as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It was that night after I sent that message, I found myself standing taller, smiling more, looking at things in a different perspective. I started to date myself. It was one of the best things I have ever done.

I would go to the movies by myself, take day trips just driving down back roads listening to music, spending more time with my family, my friends, and having more hours at work. I was becoming happy and I didn't even know it. I took a lot away from that toxic relationship that I kept giving into. She destroyed me for about two years after she completely ended things with me. But I bounced back stronger than ever before.

It took me a long time to realize that I didn't to be in a relationship to be happy. I didn't need someone to go to dinner with, or the movies, or take day trips with. I could do all that on my own. I was finding happiness in myself. I started to love myself and not pine over someone, or beg for attention. For the first time in a long time I was finding time for myself. Sure I've had crushes and dates here and there. But nothing compares enjoying things by yourself.

Breakups are always hard, don't get me wrong. I've had my heart broken to the point where I just wanted to wallow in my bed and binge watch Netflix. I even play video games to get some anger out. But I know in the end I have my family and my friends and that's all that matters to me. I have a great support system and that's what got me through a lot of things. I feel as though everyone can find happiness in their passions. Or picking up a hobby and roll with it.

I've heard of people throwing themselves into their work to keep them distracted. I am one of those. I still throw myself into my work to where I only have one day off. Even on that day off I still some how find myself working. But I don't forget to take of myself and find something I enjoy, such as curling up with a good book, going for a drive with my best friend, watching a good movie, learning something new, having a drink with my friends, or even writing a draft for a story. I didn't let this relationship take over, I let it go.

Sure it took me a while, but I let it go. When they say it gets better, it truly does get better. It may take time to find yourself, but you will find yourself. You just have to get used to being yourself again, and having that feeling of being free. Just because you may not have that one person you want to share something special with doesn't mean you don't have to do it. I have a best friend and we've shared a lot of amazing adventures together. It also doesn't have to be someone you're romantically involved with.

My sister and I are close and we have our adventures together. Same with my best friend, and some other of my friends. Someone once told me to not let a relationship define who I am. It took me a long time to take those words to heart. When I finally did everyone around me saw this change in me and how I seemed happier. They asked me what have I been doing, and I tell them that I just focused on myself. Sometimes that's the best thing.

Focus on yourself, mentally and emotionally. Get rid of all the toxic people in your life and fill it with positive ones. It'll take time, but eventually you'll see a big difference in your life. I know I have. There are going to be times when life will knock you down. All you have to do is get back up and come back stronger than ever. Punch through those walls, drive through those road blocks, keep moving, don't stop. Once you're through things will become brighter.

Take chances, take risks—they will be worth it in the end.