Moving On

Moving on is hard, y’know? People make moving on look so easy. You assume it is until you have to. I wouldn't dare put as much of myself into my last relationship if I knew then what a know now. A whole year later and nothing feels right. I think there is a misconception about young love. Young love can be just as deep, meaningful, draining and hurtful as two older adults in love. A year later and I don't know if my love is as resilient as I thought. A little over 12 months of off and on trial and trivia with other people that gets me nowhere. Most of those months being dedicated to myself; I daydream of me getting lost in meadows of self-growth. Most of these past months spent searching for comfort in my own solitude. I’ve surely grown and learned to enjoy being left in my lonesome but even with me not being 100 percent where I wanna be with myself, I can’t help the feeling of desire for new love. It still feels damn near impossible, because it has been. Yet, I find myself dreaming about someone. No one who I’ve dealt with before, no person in particular as a matter of fact but just a someone that leaves me with more of a feeling than a remembrance of who they are. I know how I want to feel about someone and how I want them to make me feel, I feel that feeling growing inside of me every day. But those feeling can’t be released to just anyone, even if I try to force a connection. Just as I’ve seen myself frolic in self-growth, I’ve always been the sappy girl who wanted nothing more than to drown in the eternal love me and someone else would have for one another. It’s been a minute since someone made me feel like my heart was bungee jumping to the pit of my stomach then back up again. I don’t see these feeling as naive but refreshing. Everyone seems to find love in other people through things they do, what they stand for, how much they care or the effort and how much they do; that’s beautiful and validated by anyone who feels that's what it takes to fall in love with someone. Me on the other hand, I want to feel something. There will always be someone who will treat me nice but not many in this lifetime will be able to make me really feel something that was better than the last. I know this because I love hard. The pure love I have to give is hard to top when I give you all of it. I still think my love is resilient, I feel in my heart it comes in abundance. I don’t mean to be too cautious but I want to be very sure. I might come off as finicky but that is only because I would rather not waste my time on something temporary. Gestures from men confuse me because they later turn to sinister memories mocking you because you fell for them. I’ve been robbed of love I had to offer with nothing left behind but dirt to kick in my own face because I was convinced it was my fault. When all love is lost, I feel like there is nothing in me left as far as strength to move on. Not a lack of strength to move on from the last person but no strength to move on to being brave enough to developing new feelings. What seems impossible now won’t seem that way forever. By continuing to indulge in myself and landscape my valley of self-growth, I know I’ll true find happiness eventually. If love comes later, I'm fine with that.