Mr. Almost

When I was little I thought love was about red roses and expensive dinners, but it’s not that at all. You taught me that love is sacrifice and compromise. It’s choosing each other everyday. It’s waking up at 4AM to you snoring and shoving my elbow into your side so I could finally get some sleep. It’s talking in stupid accents just for fun, and trying to embarrass each other in public. It’s going on early morning adventures when I’m definitely not a morning person. It’s stupid fights and memorable make ups. Love isn't always pretty and romantic. Love is just choosing to stumble through life with each other.

You were always trying to show me I was enough. When I asked why you loved me, you looked over and said, “When I see you, I do not look into the eyes of a broken soul. I see a warrior, who has been through so much, but all that really matters is that you’re still here, even after having had every obstacle thrown at you, you're still here. You're the strongest person I know, the one that puts up a fight like no one else. I hope someday, you look in the mirror and you see what I see. But, believe me when I say you will never understand my love for you.” That night, I trusted every word you said, but here you are, yet again, proving me wrong.

I keep replaying that moment in my head, because yes, I miss you. I miss you in the memories of us gazing up into the sky, when you told me everything I wanted to hear. Because, yes, I miss how it used to be. I know life is too short to dwell on what happened and each minute is another chance to be happy. So I'm trying, I really am, to live my life every minute of every day, but I miss you.

This is heartbreak in its purest form, the pure pain of two hearts parting ways. I miss you like I didn’t know I could miss somebody. Deep in my chest, I feel the hurt of love torn away, and memories beginning to splinter like the wood from an old worn tree that was once blossomed and beautiful. It’s hard to make sense of this, of how things could go so wrong, when I’m still holding onto the secrets of your insecurities, how you can’t relate to your mother, and the sound of your laughter. I hold on during random nights when touching you comes back to me like muscle memory. This isn’t an acquaintance lost, or a friendship fallen out of, this is a love ripped apart, and I can’t tell you how that hurts.

It’s you, It’s freakin’ you. I can’t describe it anymore than by believing it’s you. You are the only one that I will ever want. I belong with you. You are my home. I look at you, and somehow I can see 50 years from now, on the front porch of that old house, in the middle of nowhere and we are together. I need you. You are the only thing that matters, you were my greatness. But sometimes people leave before you can decide that it’s over, and suddenly, I came back to reality, I felt really tired, like the world had drained me for everything that I had. In this version of reality you were my Mr. Almost.

I’d like to think that you haven’t fully gotten over me yet, or gotten over whatever it was we had; that my name still creeps into the back of your mind. That you think of me when you see my favorite color or turn around when my voice seems to travel through your subconscious. I hope your heart still misses a beat when someone asks about me. That maybe I’m not the only one whose mind wanders back in time over and over again. Like when I smell a summer breeze and remember the night I ran into you at the county fair, just to pass a smile and walk away. I hope I’m not the only one coursing through the ‘what ifs’ of life.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. Just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best. But you were my best, and at the end of the day you’re the person I wanted to come home to. You’re the person I wanted to talk about my day with. You’re the person I wanted to share my happiness, sadness, and success with. You’re still my person, even if I’m not yours.

But today, I finally did it. Today I looked through our pictures and smiled. You were a huge part of my life and we had great memories together. I was so hooked on what we could have been, but at the end of the day, I am happy it ended. You came into my life for a reason and you left for a reason. So, thank you, Mr. Almost.