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Mr. Grey


The memory of you instills an ocean of deepness that penetrates farther than the intercourse of our minds. It was one of the returns of what it felt like when we met again in your hometown where I fell into you last May. Through the winds of despairs and the lingerings of what was not said and unfinished, your number found me again by an accident.

Even the driver of the roads seems to remind me of you inside of my mind when it was only been three months since we last encountered in flesh. In many layers of our departure last August, bottles of unopened emotions were repressed and words exchanged into the angry shattering of broken skin. Somehow and somewhere, my heart has never forgotten about your existence.

Many would entail that any ex-lovers should be placed in the no contact compartment and walk away, or at least not walk back to that very scarlet lane of erosions of strange love or lust. Deep within the chambers of my heart where it lies, the fibers of our time imprinted of how much I have yearned for you til this day.

Since my encountering of you, and your history, my heart has expanded and it expelled of everything my fears have come to realize, for me to face with no excuse. The short and sweet times we were together have been measured to decades of unresolved and unloved of myself and of others.

In more than a multifaceted way, we have the common factors of what our scarred childhood and past relationships had stained us with. As my body drives the familiar road to where you are, the chills now settled in and my heart once again adore the waters where we first met in a town that I have never physically traveled until you.

Nothing can be compared to the first glance when my eyes fall back to that driveway where your blue house lies carelessly along with your choice of lights, a deep bluish tint of what my heart was for you when we first met.  The air felt incredibly crisp and swift under my breath as we walked into the freshly dewy grass.

Each time we came here was like parts of my life stopped and all I can concentrate on was this moment of underrated joy for seeing your mom's voice and your son's incoming steps towards me.  No matter how much and little we seem to know each other, my heart has adored both of them and that was enough for me to be happy to be in physical contact with you once again after three months.

As we entered the homey feel of your home decorated in the most comforting smell, it was laced with frankincense and myrrh. For an odd reason, my memory was not allowing me to forget every sense that was connected with our time together for these short three months. My heart was almost always entranced with you, and it is mesmerizing to admit that even though this was strange to visit an "ex," I felt at peace and the kids seemed to be quite mellow—despite the inner possible turmoil of things.

Some may have confidence in the fact of a "hug" can give away more than a thousand hidden meanings and cues of the non-verbal world. Though our lips haven't touched, it was the simple and timed hug that reminded me of how much that space in my heart still lingered for you like an ancient lock that is searching for her lost golden key fulfilling her emptiness within the cold steel. The night passed along as if the rainy storm shifted beside us, and I have always loved listening and laminating the cold, windy air.

Beneath all of the demure smiles and saturation of my composed face lies the yearnings of reaching over to hold you and not let you go because everything felt so comforting and familiar. And yet, we have only known each other for a silver amount of time, and you were the only ex-lover that my heart can't seem to forget just yet.

As the night of serenaded tunes of the trees fall back to the lilacs of the darkness, the little ones were more than tired and all I can think of is how much I'd wish for this feeling to last just enough for me to enjoy these short-stemmed fused of visits. The whole atmospheric tone of the sole factor of you in front of me was enough for me to swallow the underlying factor that I still have the love for you, but not in love.

Life is kind of like a comedy show, with curtains that draw down and up when the audience is truly ready to peek and see what is playing behind the scene, and how absolute it is to accept every aspect of the show of life and not just the front seats of the show. Drifting back, our short three and a half relationship mostly consisted of nights of passions and after dinner desserts, and not fully the inclusions of our kids and what the meaning of "love" is about.

Nevertheless, as the hours drip by and the quietness is being replaced by kids snoring. My longing for your touch was slowly creeping over my rational mind and body.  This was by far the most under planned visit and possibly not the best scenario along with our kids wondering what is really going on.

The cravings of you were enough for me not to have any drink or alter minded substance, and at that moment, I truly only wanted to be held by you again—not a care in the world made sense to me. Seconds of the clicking ticks of the clock made it very clear that this was an awkward scene, and yet, my heart carried me to the kitchen to find you standing there and a kiss was shared under the most dimmest cloudy moonlight.

Somewhere in the chambers of my mind has announced to me that this was the right feeling, and yet, it was so hesitant to let this moment seep in because my heart doesn't want to feel so much for you once again. The human nature is funny that way to proclaim to us whom we want and crave, and at the same time, it is desperately telling us that this is a never-ending tunnel of pain and pleasure of the "ex."

Awakening to the night of semi-shared intimacy and returning to what was the last person you've loved can be difficult to mask in the morning when everyone is around. As your light blue curtains were drawn and kids are now fully awake, it was time to act normal and noble since I know that this was a visit. My heart wanted to stay this way. Through the three months of our post-breakup, my life has shifted for the greater purpose of what we need to learn for ourselves.

As per usual, you were a more-than-great chef and had always entertained your guests with food and then some. Our breakfast may be simple to you, but it was one of the best memories since it brings me back to our short fling of a relationship in August. Time cannot seem to be swift with a dash of tidal waves when we both know that things need to be done, our lives are separate, and the visit will soon be another chapter for us to unravel next time.

To the utmost honest feelings within me, I was both trembling with overjoyed emotions and overflowing with pain since I cannot express how much I have missed you. For an abstracted reason or another, my heart knows that we have so much untangling to do, and we have been doing fine after the breakup. It was the splitting of the short encountering of you that has to led me to grow so much to face myself and my past.

In many ways, you have given me so many meanings and molded me to reunite with my own soul and to learn or to unlearn many things within my world. This may not be your world, but you have added the ultimate edge of climax for me to truly become who I am.




Read next: Fleet & Skeet
Aiyan Turley
Aiyan Turley

Return to Innocence of my soul is to be in acceptance of darkness underneath the light.  Life has U-Turns and sometimes second chances are the ones that will create redemption within ourselves.  Always with Love in everything that breathes

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