My Apology to You...

By the time you read this it will sound so rehearsed, you'd think it was written for a sappy television show, it maybe over emotional and border on daytime television levels of dramatic but I can assure you, the feelings that come along with the words scribbled down here are what I need to say and by the end of this, you should know where I stand...and I guess where to go from here.

Before I start this, can I ask you for one favor—Please don't apologize. There is only one thing I'd ever ask you to apologize for, and that's for asking more of me then you where willing to give. If you apologize for anything else that happened between us, it makes me feel terrible, makes me feel crazy, makes me feel stupid, like everything that I've felt with you was just a mistake to you, because no one ever apologizes for the good things, they just apologize for the bad.

I have a lot to apologize for so many things, that I could itemize and categorize everything I've done to you, I will admit I do not want to get into the details of what I've done to you, but make no mistake I remember everything, I lay awake every night thinking about every conversation, every interaction we've had, every "mistake" I've made—but the reason why I stay awake late into the night thinking is because the things I did where not "mistakes." Unfortunately they where conscious choices that I made, and before that gets taken the wrong way; trust in my words because I want to truly open up to you and tell you the truth I feel in my heart. When I came to this realization, it made me sick to my core, and when I admitted it out loud my body reacted with a flood of emotions.

I've never felt this way before, I've lived a long life had many serious relationships, and dozens of extended connections, there was a woman I wanted to marry so badly I asked her to be my wife three times, and a five year old that should be the center of my world; But when you came into my life things where different, for the first time in my life all those love songs on the radio made complete sense, the beauty of the world had never been clearer, you made it easy to find the good in everything, and it became so clear why things had never worked out with anyone else, and I thanked the Lord that she never said yes to marrying me, because then I wouldn't have you in my life. I fell for you, and everything was beyond perfect, you have no idea the kind of person you are and I know I've said it before, but I truly I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, you are the most amazing woman to walk this earth, everything about you, the way your smile brightens the room, the twinkle in your eye, the way your nose wrinkles when you are talk about something you're passionate about, the way a simple text from you turns my entire week around... the way I feel just thinking about you is just so real... because here I am writing this with the stupidest grin on my face because I'm just thinking about you.

As you read this you may think these are just romantic words, things I'd say to anyone to get them back but that's not the case, these words are my fundamental truth, one that I've kept hidden from you because admittedly I feel crazy, obsessed, and in this day and age it would send you clear signals to run away. The truth is I care for you more then I should, and when I say that I don't mean there is unrequited love, I mean "I would do anything for you if you asked me to" and I've done it time and time again, before things got serious between us, before we where even friends, I did things just because it was you asking for it.

In 2014, when we first met, I had a two year old at home but if you asked me to be there I was, I drove you around town, help you with your errands, I'd make sure I was able to be my your side if you ever needed it.

In 2015, My relationship was starting to fall apart, but instead of trying to fix things I chose you again, I drove 6 hours to make sure you'd be able to spend time with your family, I spent nights with you in the hospital, I helped you move on Valentine's day. I knew that every second I spent with you was causing me more problems for myself, but for you I would endure.

In 2016, I chose you over me, as I'd sit there alone in my apartment I'd think to myself, "If she asked me to run away I would," "If she asked me for anything I'd give it"; my thoughts and desires where to make you as happy as possible, and I felt like I did, and I remember the smile on your face when we finally connected.

I owe you an apology, this is not how things should have been I shouldn't be choosing you over others in my life, and time and time again I did just that and it scared me for obvious reasons, but the apology I owe you is not for my feelings, it's for what I did because of these feelings.

I wanted something from you, something that I felt caused you pain, something that caused me pain because I saw the way you looked at me; behind the smile, the glimmer in your eyes I saw sadness, I knew that no matter how happy we where there would always be the thoughts at the back of our minds; I have a child, you don't like children; I had a dramatic life, drama affected your health; I was like Las Vegas to you, a fun, exciting, out of this world escape, but even though you where smiling when you said those words to me, I knew the weight they carried, because I knew all you ever wanted was to lead a quite life, one where surprises, and drama wouldn't shave time off your life.

I wanted to stop that sadness, but I knew that you'd always be there for me, ready to catch me when I fell, to help me stand back up, no matter what... unless it became too much... and that's when I made the biggest mistake of my life, I choose to push you away, to protect myself from the pain, to stop myself from becoming more attached, to stop the flip flop of emotions you have towards me; And I did it in the cruelest way possible. Whenever the opportunity arose, I made the choice to hurt you, I started fights, I disrespected you, I pushed all your buttons, I put you in situations that I knew where inappropriate, I choose my words explicitly to cause you pain. I know that I do not deserve the time of day from you, and I don't blame you, because the things I did where beyond terrible, the things I did caused you pain, they affected your health, our relationship, the relationship between your friends, to the point where you had no choice, where our relationship was doing more harm then good.

I believed my actions where somehow justify because I felt you wanted things to be different between us, I felt it was something I needed, a choice that would make things "easier," one that made logical sense... but no, that's not at all true, it was the worse mistake of my life, it was something I agonized with for a long time, and everyday I was reminded of it, every day it got worse, every day I took a step further into darkness, and I knew I was not coming back, and every night I sat awake crying, thinking of you, writing you messages, that I never sent, just wanting to open up to you to apologize, just wanting to share with you.

I tried to make this choice I made work, I tried to take my mind off it and off you. I did not sit around wallowing in sadness and self pity, I've was going to classes, joining activity groups, meeting new people, learning a little more about myself, and trying to get healthy... forcing myself through the motions, trying to justify things, to make this choice more valid.... but that just solidified how I felt about you, what not having you in my life actually meant.

I know with what has happened, I don't deserve to have you read the words written in this letter; I just wanted to apologize, and be completely honest with you. I love you with every fiber of my being, I love you, and not just the physical you, the real you, what's inside, the light within, and I'm not going to try to smother it; I want to help it shine brighter, I want to make sure you live a long and happy life, I want to make sure you never NEED extra organs but if you wanted my organs I'll give them to you. I wont push you away anymore, I'll pull you closer, I won't start fights, I'll stop them; if you need anything of me, I'd give it to you, I love you and I'm done pretending like I don't. I'm done denying my feelings, or thinking that what I feel is wrong.

I'm done fighting with myself, I'm done fighting with you. Screw logic, I think with my heart first, I believe in love, I believe in happy endings, I believe in sacrificing for your loved ones, this world kinda sucks, because it sucks those feelings out of people, it makes them forget the happiness, and believe that they have to follow a black and white logical path.

I don't want things to go back to how they use to be, I want them to be better... I want a life with you where every day is better then the last, where the only fight we will have is who cooks a better seafood chowder, or what vacation we went on was the best, or what street is better to trick or treat on; and I know how that sounds, I am not saying jump into anything, or commit or anything, I am saying I am done fighting, and I want to work and build what I destroyed...and with everything that has happened you may not believe me, you may think that within a month I'll be back to starting fights with you, but I won't be fighting with you, because I won't be fighting with myself.

I realize I sound crazy, creepy, emotional, and I don't know what is going on in your life, I just wanted to be truly honest with you, at least one last time, whatever the outcome is.

Going forward if you'd like me to just stop, I will, no questions asked, no more break-downs, no holding out hope. I will truly respect your wishes. If by some miracle you accept my apology, I know I will never be able to erase what happened in the past, and I can't promise I won't ever hurt you again, but I can promise that it will never be intentional, and I will work everyday to prove that to you, I know I can't have the future I wanted with you, but I want you in my life. I won't push you away anymore, and if ever the day comes where we can not be in each others' lives anymore, I don't want it to be because of a stupid fight I start, or a secret I've kept; if that day comes I want us to talk about it, and say, "See you later" not "good-bye."