My Beautiful Disaster

I’m 23 years old and thought I’d have my life back together. If only I hadn’t ruined my car, I would be OK right now. Joel, my ex, actually had my car in great running condition and then I think two weeks later, I totaled it. I wanted my god damn VW Cabrio so much that I used Joel to get it by having him co-sign. Well I told myself I could be with him for another 4 years to get the Cabrio paid off and totally in my name but I didn't even last a year. I didn't even last a month. By the end of October 2006, it was completely over.

Joel and I were still friends but that didn't last long either. He wanted to treat me like his girlfriend and control me. I finally met Micah and knew for a while what having a good guy is supposed to feel like. Micah gave me the push I needed to get Joel completely out of my life. I have a 5-year restraining order against him and have been with Micah since January 2007. He lives with me now and it seems like since he moved in everything has gone down the drain. For the first two weeks, it was great and then Micah hurt his back.

We kind of worked through that to his liking. Everything was his way, but peaceful. But then his car was in need of repair. He was stressing out so much about how his car and his back were both messed up and how he was going to pay for his car to get fixed that he was taking it out on our relationship and me. We have worked on it a little bit but it’s still not perfect. I don't think it ever will be perfect again. I don't think I’m perfect for him. Our lifestyles are so different. Sometimes I believe I am not perfect for any guy because the young ones are so immature and the older ones think they know everything because they have been around longer.

I think if Micah and I don't work, I’m going to give up on guys for a long time. Just wait until one proves to me that they are who they are in the beginning and won't change. A guy who doesn't believe that if you argue it takes a piece of them away from you. It feels like with Micah I am paying for what every other girl he dated did to him. I hear about the type of guy he was before and I want that guy. He was that guy in the beginning and then he changed.

I’m not saying I don't have faults either. I do, like I know I caused Micah and my first fight and found that I wasn't afraid to fight because he wasn't scary when he was mad. I guess by initiating the first fight and finding out how Micah is in a fight, it made it easier to initiate fights in the future. It kind of reminds me about what my parents said about what my aunts, my dad’s sisters, are like. They use men and play with their minds. I’m not like that but I have a little in me. Like I do admit when I first noticed it I was young. It was an online relationship, he lived in California, we never met in person but we always talked on the phone and AOL instant messenger.

I remember whenever he cried because I was mean I would smile because it made me feel like he wanted me so much that he would cry over me. I did that with Joel also and I have smiled when Micah was mad but he has never cried that I could tell. It was like I was happy that I could make someone so mad. That if they were mad they must care a lot about me.

That also goes back to my school years and my home life. Once elementary school was over and also 6th grade, it seemed like I was a nobody. I had friends and everything but some of them would leave to be popular. I tried to follow but I would never fit in and they would stay with their new friends and I would drift away from them. It’s like you would think a friend would stick up for you but they didn’t.

At home, I was becoming a nobody. Bryan my younger brother left for the behavior school out of state and mom wrote him every day. It’s like she had time to write him but she had no time for me and I was home. When Bryan got back it was all about him, making him feel loved because they sent him away. What about me? So, I guess with that and school, I was really attention deprived.

At school, I tried to make up for it by bringing things in to make the popular kids notice me. Like old year books but that ended in 9th grade when I brought my 6th grade year book in. I had been mad at certain people in 6th grade so I drew on their faces with a pencil. I attempted to erase the pencil but that just mad it worse by erasing the ink. I made up some lie that my cousin did it and everyone was believing it until Lexi. She made everyone notice that only popular people had their pictures messed up and if my little cousin did it, it wouldn't be so obvious. Lexi was popular thanks to my cousin Josie and so everyone believed her over me. I still tried throughout freshman year in high school to get attention from popular kids until I met Nicholai in 10th grade.

Nicholai was this great looking guy from Norway that I thought I could never have and he pursued me. He ended up being the first guy I had sex with. It started in December of 2000 but ended in May 2001. Out first time the condom broke and I had a pregnancy scare. It scared him and he started hanging out with me less and less until I gave him a way out by asking him and he said yes.

Before everything got messed up I didn't feel like I needed anyone. Then I started trying to get the wrong kind of attention from guys. I had sex with any guy. It was all fun and games with my friends. But the rumor was that once I popped the fun didn't stop. Since all our friends were getting boyfriends and having sex, my best friend Sharon wanted to also. She met this perfect guy and said I needed to find a boyfriend so we could go on double dates. I guess she figured since I had gotten Nicholai and then slept with all these other guys, that it was easy for me to find a boyfriend. She was kind of peer pressuring me to do it because she had a boyfriend now and out of all our friends she was the only one at that time. So, I settled on the first guy that showed relationship interest in me. And that was Joel. My attention problem progressed in that relationship because Joel was very controlling and only wanted to play his games. I lost a lot of friends in that relationship because he isolated me.

It’s affecting me hardcore and I hate how I have to feel so much attention. It doesn’t help that when I get excited about something the person I am telling interrupts me and says something else. With Micah, I get it with anger. I feel like I get the most attention from him when he's mad.