My Best Friend Is Still Friends with My Abuser

I had a best friend for six years. We had the same birthday, only an hour apart. Like any relationship, he and I had our ups and our downs, but back then it felt like a great relationship, one I couldn't live without, almost. We met sophomore year of high school, and became best friends the following year. We were close. We loved each other. I've tried to write about him on here before, but every time I can't quite figure out the words to explain what he ended up doing to me, through his actions and through his words. But bottom line: he emotionally abused the crap out of me at the end of our relationship; the last six months with him were hell and I ended up hating him instead of loving him. It was a terrible end to such a beautiful relationship. Or so I thought, until I stopped speaking to him and realized what I had actually put up with when it came to being his best friend. The crap I dealt with because of him over the years, and I ended up hating him even more.

I was a mess by the time I FINALLY cut him out of my life, and I have triggers, severe triggers, in fact, that lead to panic attacks. I see his face in photos and feel ill. I have nightmares about the trauma I endured sometimes. He shows up and it's practically like he never left in my nightmares, the pain is real and renewed. Even almost a year since he and I last spoke, I experience these things. In a separate article, I'd like to explore the feelings of emotional abuse and the trauma you deal with, but that is another time. But this time I'd like to say that I continue to get slightly retraumatized, because people in my life are still close to him.

My current best friend, who has always been a best friend, is friends with him as well. They've been friends longer than I've been friends with her. I live with my best friend, and she was the person I went to about this guy. She helped me through it. When I was falling apart at the seems with how he treated me, she would listen and tell me it's okay. But the whole time she was still friends with him. She'd tell me what he was doing wasn't okay and that I wasn't crazy. When I told her I couldn't have him in my life earlier, she supported me and helped me figure out next steps. But she not only continued to talk with him, but they started hanging out more.

I'd been dealing with it okay, if I do say do myself. I would handle myself as best I can, as she would go off and do things with him. He would pop up in photos, she would go off and do really cool things with him. And it's like a double stab in my back because not only is SHE friends with him, but HE was doing things with her that I'd always wanted to do with him. But I dealt with it. Because she is a good friend, and she always has been. She's just friends with my abuser.

Then she told me she's going on a weekend vacation with him for a cosplay convention out of state. And it bothers me so much. It bothers me so much more than just a couple of hang outs here and there. Because I could hardly get my abuser out of the house to hang out, let alone an out of state trip. (Although, I did manage that once, it was full of trust and something I wanted to share with him. Not even a month later he pulled something that broke my heart and left severe triggers so wow.) I hate him. And I hate that she's friends with him, but how do I handle this?

It is unfair to me for her to do this to me, but it is also unfair for me to try to control who she hangs out with. So, what do I do? I make this post, and I let anyone know, whoever is reading this, that if you care for two people, and one abuses the other emotionally, physically, in anyway, choosing to straddle the middle ground hurts the one being abuse, and the abuser practically doesn't have to experience anything. It hurts us that our trauma isn't enough for you to leave that abuser behind. It hurts us that you make excuses, hang out with them, and forgive them for something they didn't do to you. Even if you don't think you're doing that to us, you are. You are forgiving them for what they did to us.

She is my best friend, and I am trying to find a way to tell her all of this, without making it sound like an ultimatum of sorts. But it is hard, hence why I have't told her yet. And it is unfair. Because even after almost a year of peace without him, and probably one of the best years of my life without him, he still affects my life. He affects my relationships. So keep that in mind, and maybe it'll change your decision on staying "neutral." Keep in mind that it is not "neutral." You are choosing the abuser.

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