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My Best Friend Left Me

I deserved it, though.

I don't know if this will even go through. You blocked me from messaging you, I reactivated my old profile so that I could send this to you. I know you don't want to hear from me, so maybe you'll get this, maybe you won't. I don't really know, but I'm going to try anyway. Every other time I've thought about what I've wanted to say, but this is half thought and half free-write. My emotions are already getting the best of me.

I don't expect a reply to this, kind of like how I knew that I wouldn't get a reply after you posted about releasing toxic people from your life, and mom told me to look, asking if we were "fighting" again. She really did think of you as another daughter, and loved you as one too. The day after I realized that every conversation was about me, and that I didn't ever pause and ask if you were okay, if you were feeling better, if things were getting better for you at work, if you'd figured out things for school and getting back in, if you wanted or needed anything, because I know that you and your boyfriend work like crazy and you still struggle, and at that point, well, I was doing better than ever on a financial level.

You had always given me so much; your energy, your time, your patience, forgiveness, money, gifts, etc. You gave me more than what a friend should without getting nearly as much in return. It was always about me, and it was one-sided. And I was realizing that, and I've said things like this a million times, but after realizing it, I knew it was something I had to work on. I knew that I needed to start being a better friend to the people that were friends to me. That I couldn't keep asking and taking and not giving back, and I couldn't keep making everything about convenience, especially when I could sense that there was stress, questioning, frustration, and even anger. I tried to make myself oblivious to all of that, and then by the time I realized things were at that point, it was the point of no return.

Our friendship may have been toxic and you may have felt that I was being a psychic vampire. You mentioned that in the comments on your post. You also wrote that you deserve better, and you were right. But, whether you believe me or not, I was never intentionally trying to be a vampire. It was truly an accidental thing. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, I see that I absolutely was sucking more out of you than any friend should have. That wasn't what a friendship should have been.

I put you in second place a lot, made you the silver medal. I would choose people over you and treat you as second rate. I would come to you when there were no other options, when you were making me a priority almost all the time, even when you were pregnant and that was just... wrong. You never should have been made into a second choice, or that you were losing your soul, or holding yourself back when it came to me. I didn't realize at the time that I was doing it, but looking back I know that I was.

I doubt you'll believe me but I did and do care about you, and I'm going to, regardless of what our friendship status is. Hell, you were more than a friend, you were my sister. Not everything about our friendship was negative, but that's not the point. There was always a lot of negativity surrounding me and instead of making sure that you, an empath, was okay. I kept focusing on myself and only making sure that I was okay, that I was getting what I needed while you were suffering and trying to heal every horrible situation, and that's not the way things should have been.

I know that now, and it's a flaw in myself, the need to try to please. Not please for the benefit of another person, I try to please others to keep myself "safe". I know that a lot of that hurt you, and just... it was horrible. All of it. I would keep you away from the people that I thought were my friends, you know, the ones that you called the "Sewing Circle." 

I don't know what more to say but I did, do, and always will care about you and your well being and I did, do, and always will want you to succeed in your dreams. I never was the best listener. I always turned things to me, the amount of "I" statements in this message speak loudly. I do want to see you be successful, have a great family like you told me you've always dreamed of, accomplish things in school, and become a psychiatrist, with your modeling—hopefully see you on the runway someday, and to just see you be genuinely happy. That's what you deserve and I know that you haven't had that in a long, long time. I hate knowing that I played a part in taking away your happiness and making you feel that you weren't worthy, or that you couldn't or weren't strong enough to achieve your dreams.

I think about things every day. I think about every time I froze when you were upset or I ignored it because I didn't know what to say, and then ignored it even more when I knew that your smile was faked and that you were only doing it to try to make other people feel better. I think about all the times that I put you in situations that I knew were uncomfortable for you, especially when your daughter was still around. I think about being in the hospital when you were giving birth, and the look on your face when you saw her, and hate myself for the fight that I caused between us when you said that you were giving her up. I hate that I encouraged you to give her to a manipulative family that didn't keep their word about how things would be handled, but I really didn't know. I know that I encouraged you to give her to them, once I felt that you were set on giving her up. I wish I would have fought harder for you to keep her so I could see the smile on your face again. I wish I would've done more to help you when she was around and to help your happiness. Instead, I chose to fixate on myself and my dreams, not realizing how broken that you actually were. I wish that there was something that I could do to make things better but I also know that years of damage are irreversible, and sometimes the best thing to do is what you said: Let go. 

And while it's not what I wanted I'm glad that you did something for yourself for once. I'm glad that you took care of yourself and did what you needed to do because of how I was making you feel. I thought about physically writing you a letter then delivering it to your work, just hoping that it got to you. But the letter was so self-serving when I stopped to think about the scene that it would have caused.

This essay is self-serving in a way. I just couldn't let our friendship come to a complete end without letting you know that I do care. After having you in and out of my house, living with you several times, and spending hours upon hours talking to you, and making bad decisions, going on drives, and having what I thought was fun, I care about you. I don't have an off switch for it, it's a genuine care. So does my mom, or our mom—whichever you prefer, she shows it better than I do. I haven't learned how to properly show anyone I care other than just a car ride here and there and that's pretty pathetic. Even then it was self-serving because it was something I wanted—to see you and talk to you, vent to you about MY problems. I could tell that you were exhausted after every one of our drives around. I could tell that you wanted to escape almost every time that we were together because you were drained and I could tell that our conversations were getting more and more empty and bland. At that point, I didn't stop to realize that it was because I wasn't fulfilling my part of the friendship. A friendship isn't meant to be one-sided and you were giving, giving, giving, and all I did was take. I see that now and I'm genuinely sorry, because I know that's not what it's supposed to be.

I keep repeating myself, I told you this was going to be freely written, and that's what this is. Now, I'm going to just say this: My birthday's tomorrow and you're one of my wishes. Not to hear from you, but for you to be safe, successful, genuinely happy, feel alive, and know that you're an amazing woman, that you're loved, and that you deserve the world.

My last self-serving move after this message is to block you on everything for my own sanity. I need to stop looking every day and see pictures that we were in together tagged by "mommy", or the memories that it brings of times we were together actually being brave enough to take our own selfies. I have to stop remembering the days that we were close, and both had smiles on and driving myself crazy wishing to reverse time and do things over. I wish every day that I could go and do things better and actually make things okay for you. I know that's not an option. You have my number if you ever have a need, an absolute need then you'll always have a way to reach me and there will be no questions asked. Just know that I am always an option and that I wish you the best and wish for your happiness.

I know that you're a busy woman and I doubt that you've made it this far in reading this message. Everything started pouring out once I started writing it out. You were never my best friend; you were my sister, and in my eyes, that will never change.

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