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Having a sudden, unexpected breakup is one of the most painful experiences one can go through. It's like experiencing the death of a loved one, except the loved one isn't dead — they just no longer want to be part of your life anymore.
If they ghost you, without any warning that they would be leaving, it can make you wonder if there's ever really such a thing as love. Most of the time when this happens, ghosting is how it's done.
Sometimes, it's also accompanied with other revelations that you never could have seen coming. You might find out that he was cheating on you, that he stole from you, or even that he never loved you at all. Or, more agonizingly, you end up being left wondering what the hell happened without any answers whatsoever.
From what I've been seeing, this is becoming an increasingly common trend among people who don't know how to break up in a civil manner. This disturbs me greatly, and frankly, someone needs to talk about it.
Speaking as someone who has dealt with this and is still learning to cope with deep-seated abandonment issues as a result, this is what you need to know about having a long term partner suddenly dumped you out of nowhere.
It's not your fault.
Assuming that you're not abusive to your partners, this kind of breakup is not your fault. There's nothing you did wrong, nothing you could have done to save the relationship, and nothing that made you deserve this kind of heartbreak.
Even though you might question this over and over again, you're going to have to trust that you were an innocent victim in this. People who are decent human beings try to talk about things, try to work things out, or at the very least, tell you they're leaving without blindsiding you.
It's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's not that you weren't "attractive enough" or "good enough." It's not something you did, or something you didn't do. It's all them.
This kind of breakup is the breakup that is caused by a partner who was too cowardly to actually do things the right way. The only fault you had was trusting that someone you loved would do right by you, and that's not a fault at all.
There's a huge chance that you will find out ugly details about your now-ex in the upcoming days.
A large portion of the time, people who find themselves suddenly dumped by their boyfriends or girlfriends find out that they were dropped for an affair partner. Other times, they may find out that their exes were only with them for money or security, or that they stole money from them.
As painful as it is to do right now, the first thing you should do is lock down your personal finances. Take his name off any bank accounts, get his name off the lease, talk to your landlord to find out if he's been paying rent — and what you can do to cover rent if he didn't.
Even if ugly details don't come out, there are still things you'll eventually see. You'll eventually see the selfishness of this act. You'll also realize how narcissistic someone has to be to do this.
The person who you loved and trusted is gone, because the person you cared for never existed in the first place.
If it's for another woman, understand that these things happen — and that there's a good chance he'll do the same to her.
Cheaters are usually repeat offenders, and one thing I've noticed over the years is that the kinds of people who do this "sudden dump" often will do it to the partners they leave for, too. What goes around, comes around, in this sense.
Even if they do commit and marry, you have to understand what kind of traits this act shows in your now-ex. People who do this are not confident, happy people. They are usually weak, narcissitic, and emotionally immature people.
The kinds of people who suddenly ghost their partner after years of being together are the kinds of people who legitimately don't know how to have a happy relationship — and also don't have the courage to confront partners.
This means that any relationship they get into will not be a good one for them, or at least, not good enough to make them happy. So, consider this a bullet dodged.
Not going to lie, though, this breakup will fuck with your mind.
This kind of breakup is seriously traumatizing, and it's totally normal not to feel the same for a year or even longer, depending on the severity of the break. Some girls fall into a deep depression, others may become very love-avoidant, and others just show PTSD from dating.
If you find out that he's leaving you for another girl, or that he's dating someone else immediately after the break, you might find yourself fantasizing about confronting that girl. Some girls even have said they can't understand why they still have sexual fantasies about their exes, too.
Our minds don't always make sense of things very well. If you're feeling out of control or are getting very violent thoughts, you may need to talk to a professional to get things sorted out.
Don't be surprised if you lose faith in love. I personally don't believe in traditional dating or romance anymore, either, and yes, this is the kind of thing that causes it.
It gets worse before it gets better.
It may just be sinking in, and you might have had a major cry or two over it already, but like with any grieving process, it gets worse before it gets better. You'll notice the lonely vibe of your apartment, see ghosts of the couple you used to be online, and you might even have to explain what's up to people who expected you to marry.
Yes, it's brutal, but the good news is that it does get better eventually. Time does heal most wounds, and most of the time, even the worst breakups eventually become less painful.
If you tell most friends and family members what happened, I can guarantee they'll be there for moral support. It's OK to lean on them for help, and it's also totally acceptable to put your ex on full blast.
Your ex doesn't get the right to keep a good reputation after doing something like this to you. Let people know what he did, and make sure that you explain any damage he may have left for you to clean up to financial groups if necessary.
Much like bedbugs, the kinds of vermin who ghost after years always end up coming back.
Speaking from personal experience, people who suddenly ghost after years of dating or do similar "blindside" breakups never stay away for too long. This is often because they wrongly believe that the "grass is greener" elsewhere — only to realize that the grass is often greenest where you water it.
Many of them, particularly the ones who got mean with you after they blindsided you, tend to end up crawling back after they realize that life without you isn't good. Just understand that it'll be pretty satisfying to turn them away once they come crawling back, and that you should never give them a second chance once they pulled this stuff.
Even if he treats the new girl differently, it's not worth waiting to find out what's up.
Once in a blue moon, the guy in question will treat the new partner differently — but so what? He's already proven that he's not good for you. So, even if it's different, it's not going to make a difference in your life.
As bad as it sounds, trying to piece things apart and trying to figure out the "why" of it all will not help you. In fact, it will not help much of anything in the situation. It will only drag you down and make you feel like less of a person.
So, don't worry about the "why." Stop trying to wait for him to get his. Go on and live your own life, and trust that things will work out better for you in the end.
Understand that, at the end of the day, this is a bullet dodged.
I know it doesn't feel like this right now, but it is a bullet dodged. You don't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who would do a sudden break like this. People who do this are losers at life, and don't deserve the time of day. When things get better, you'll realize how true this is.
Stay strong, and understand that this is not the end.