My Breakup Thoughts

I think I would like to start this story out by saying I’ve hit a low. One of the lowest points I’ve ever been at. I can’t believe that I am here right now. It’s all because of him. I let one person who didn’t deserve to define me, my self-worth, or my happiness define it all. I let him in and now I can’t let him go. I feared the day a man would come around and break down the barriers I’ve had up for so long. I told myself the day would never come. Then he did. Meeting him was the worst thing that could’ve happened to me even though I believed it was the best. For a year I’ve been telling myself it was the best thing. I’ve been ignoring his flaws and I’ve been turning my back to him whilst he kicked me down. Not seeing the damage he did to me but also not caring for I loved him more than anything. There’s a very strange thing about knowing something is wrong but choosing to immerse yourself in lies that everything is great. I cannot put a word to it but believe me it is much deserving of its own word. He lied to me so much. He lied more than I think I can comprehend. He allowed others to dictate how our relationship, a secret bond between TWO people, would play out. All of our problems were in regards to those he let in to interfere. I feel sick even talking about how stupid I was. I have cried every day since he’s left. He’s left this hole in me that can only be filled by his presence despite all the stupidity and all the times he’s fucked me over. I still love him. I still would do anything for him. Nothing has changed except the fact that I’m looking him in the eye while he kicks me down and I’m accepting it.

I wish he’d understand how much he’s hurt me. He goes about his days almost as if he’s in a haze, acting as if we have shared nothing. Ignoring the days where we spent all day together laughing and looking forward to our future. He pretends that I was never there, after dedicating all my time to care by his side, till he was beyond happy. I’ve dedicated too much time to him, all my time to him. He never feared nor worried, he had someone there to his every need. Now he’s left me astray pushing all those times away, acting as if we were never there, acting as if I was never there, how dare he? Look what you’ve done I thought you were the one. I still replay those thoughts every day. You were my everything now you’re my demon and now I must fight the darkness you’ve left behind. This world has taken my light and he didn’t even put up a fight. He left me here to shed much more than one tear. Fuck you. I wish you the best although I’m a mess. You’re out there with other girls messing around but I was the one who’d love you for life. You told me you only wanted me as your wife. Fuck this sick and twisted world. How can one person take your soul from you and toss it out the door and decide they don’t want it anymore. He didn’t deserve everything I’ve done. He’s left me in the fucking world where I’m lost and hurt and nobody is there to comfort me, nobody loves me but me. I’m the only one who can pull myself out but I keep telling myself that only he can free me. Only he has the key but in reality it’s in arms reach. I hate him but I love him more than anything.