My Broken Road

She stayed up wondering...is he running again...wanting to say how she felt, unable to speak because fear had such a grip on her. It whispered in her ear, "You fucked it up so much lately that he would run if you brought it up."

She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but to no avail. Like a ball of super glue it clung to her esophagus. She was supposed to trust him because without it their love would certainly die.

"He did this last time...what do I do?" She thought.

"He means the world to me."

As she drove up the mountain road, she sat in total silence. She new she had fucked up. She didn't care how fast she drove. She just needed to get to him. Her eyes went blank and she swerved. She pulled over and vomited up what little food she had in her stomach.

"GOD I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!!!! HELP ME FIX THIS!!!! JUST HELP ME FIX THIS!!!! PLEASE!!!!"

Her fear was right. She had fucked up and broke him down trying to make herself okay and was too selfish to see that.

It started to snow and as each snowflake touched her skin it felt like broken glass. She crawled back into her vehicle and then noticed where she was. The old rope bridge him and her had stopped at the last time they were on this road. She bawled.

"Grand Priestess said that it was you that she saw."

Her heart fell out of her ass. He wouldn't look at her.

"Please...I'm so, so, so, sorry...I wasn't trying to hurt you..."

He clinched his jaw but stayed silent.

"Please...say something...please look at me..."

"I don't want to see you."

"Don't say that."

"I don't"

Her emotions exploded. Out of her control she got up.

"He knows what's going on tomorrow."

She spat at his sweet mother. The poor woman was just trying to help her.

She looked at him once more.

"Then I will make sure you don't ever see me. I have a ticket to death waiting and all it is going to cost is the six pills that are in my rig"

"Come back! Let me explain! Please!" he said following after her.

She awoke from her nightmare in complete silence. She had died because he had vanished. She remembered running through the darkness calling for him, and that no matter how loud she screamed, he wouldn't respond... She sat there and stared at his figure in the darkness. He was going to stay, but he needed to be away from her so that he could fix the damage she had done. He didn't know how long it would take but she had to do the same. She didn't care what it took. She was going to fix herself so that she could have him come back home. Though her guts were all twisted up about the very few hours of his presence she had left...her heart still felt like it was shattering but he reassured her that he wasn't leaving her. They needed space to fix themselves. She saw that now. She was scared as hell. Her palms were sweating so she watched him sleep and slipped into sleep herself.

With each passing day she felt the tug towards him and her goals grow stronger. There was only one thing that didn't change, her grief. She had hurt someone so beautiful inside and out in the same ways she had been hurt. She had, for the first time ever, passed on the hurt she had received. She knew how she had passed it on too. She was scared, and she let it play her like a deranged puppeteer. Now, she had to pay the ultimate price, loss. Lose him, her friends, her happiness, and...her sanity. She wandered aimlessly through the night. Incapable of sleep, something she desperately needed. She tried to tire herself. It had been a couple of days since she had slept. She had slept for three whole days, and now sleep had become something just short of a fantasy. As the night's chill crept its way into her bones, she trudged forward, not quite sure what to do. She was working on herself. She had her medication, counseling, and therapy set up. She had spent the last few days turning in applications for work. There was nothing left to accomplish on the list of things she had been given by her one true love. It had her anxious. Her mind mulled over their relationship. Dissected it. Filed the good away from the bad. Now she just had to wait and have faith in their love's ability to grow still. Hanging on would be difficult, but she could do it. One moment she wouldn't forget was the last night she had spent next to him. She felt safe and care free, even though it would be her last night with him for a while.

Today is the seventh day since he left her and she felt like it had happened just yesterday. Her chest still the heaviest, hollow thing she had ever carried. Try as she might, she couldn't swallow or release her guilt and pain. No outlet worked. She tried long boarding, walking at night, making new friends, seeing old friends, singing, writing, drawing, reading, playing her video games, talking, crying. All these things did nothing to sooth or console her. She clung to his pillow and cried. Thankfully she was alone. She started screaming. "PLEASE! COME BACK TO ME! IT WAS MY FAULT AND I HAVE FIXED THE PROBLEM THAT CAUSED THIS!"

She curled up in the bed they shared around his pillow and sobbed. She sobbed until she shook. She sobbed herself to sleep.