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My boyfriend and I are long distance, we live on opposite sides of the United States. We met online and it was an instant connection, we fell in love almost immediately. There’s always doubt about meeting online though, you have to wonder if you’ll feel the same way with that person when you’re face to face with who they truly are. The first time we met, I was confident that the things we felt online were just as strong in person, if not more so, but for some reason, I rarely felt butterflies. The lack of giddy excitement upset me, and I questioned why that tingling sensation I love so much wasn’t there.
When we planned to meet for a second time, I really hoped I would feel something, maybe the first trip was a fluke or I was just nervous about meeting him? What I found immediately was that there were still no butterflies when we held hands, no fireworks when we kissed, no rush of adrenaline when I saw him. He still made me feel happy and excited and turned on, none of that was lacking, it was just the typical sparks of physical contact that never happened. On my second day in his state, we were driving to his hometown, windows rolled down and beautiful mountains all around us, and the moment felt absolutely perfect, except for the fact that I felt no sparks when we held hands.
I started to consider what it means to feel those things, and why I always have before, and I realised something about myself. When I used to feel that excitement, it came from a place of doubt and surprise. Every guy I’ve been with before made me feel like it was a blessing to experience their presence or their touch, and it was more of a rare treat than a natural sign of affection. There was a strong dynamic in every relationship where I felt almost unworthy of physicality being common, so I craved it desperately. Considering what I actually desire in a relationship, and what I’ve found with my boyfriend, it makes sense that I don’t feel butterflies or notice my heart racing a mile a minute whenever I’m with him. What I feel instead is happiness and peace. It’s not a special occasion or an unexpected surprise when he holds my hand, because he always does, and I always hold his. It’s not an earth-shattering moment when we kiss, because we always do. For the first time in my life, I feel extremely confident in someone else’s feelings for me, as well as my feelings for him. I believe in our love for each other, so I anticipate all of these physical moments with the trust that they’re always going to be a big part of our relationship. I don’t have to feel excited or nervous, because I feel at home.
A lot of people chase after the kind of love that feels exciting and scary and maybe a little wrong, and I always thought that’s what I wanted as well, but now I’m extremely grateful for this love that I have, one that I know will never fade. There’s something so comforting in knowing that my relationship isn’t a roller coaster or a silly game of wondering how much he truly likes me, it’s a strong and steady relationship that I never have to question.
If you’re in a relationship that seems otherwise perfect, but you’re worried about the fact that you never feel those butterflies we all crave, try to consider why you’ve felt those feelings before, and realize that this might be exactly what you need.