My Coming Out Story

In honor of Pride Month, I’ve decided to share my coming out story. It’s not the most coherent story but I did my best to make sure it makes sense and resonates with other people who may have changed labels one (or five, or ten, or more) times.

So, without further ado, enjoy!

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Many stories that people hear of trans folk start with the trans person saying that they’ve “always known” they’re trans or that they knew from a young age.

I am not one of these stories.

The only time as a child I remember thinking about gender more abstractly was that I wished that I could live half my life as a “woman” (to me at the time, meaning biologically), and half my life as a “man” (again, biologically). I didn’t think it was fair that I could only experience one of them. I was also never satisfied with my birth name. I was always telling my family I wanted to change it when I grew up. In my 5th grade class, my teacher allowed us to use pseudonyms on our papers because of a book we read, so I was always changing my name and trying to find one that I really liked. These two memories meant nothing to me in terms of gender at the time, but after giving it some thought, it does allude to my gender exploration later in life.

I first found myself being more attracted to girls in either 7th or 8th grade, which were the two grades of my middle school. I am AFAB (assigned female at birth) so this was new to me. I used the term bisexual at the time because it seemed like the best fit. I didn’t end up dating any girls until high school, where my identity would further evolve.

By the time I reached high school, I started to meet transgender people in person for the first time. With this information, I changed my label from bisexual to pansexual. At first, it was because I foolishly didn’t understand that you could be attracted to trans people and still be bisexual. The ignorance was strong with this one. But later on, as I gathered more information I realized that as long as I liked the person, their gender could be whatever and I would still like them.

About two months into being a freshman, I started dating someone that would later come out as transgender. She first started talking about how she felt about gender almost a year into us dating, while we were sophomores. As I was trying to help her figure out her own identity, I happened to stumble into my own journey. She first described her gender as “genderfluid”, meaning that one’s gender fluctuates over time and isn’t fixed. When I found that, something resonated with me and I started identifying with genderfluid as well. We both then started presenting more comfortably and I thusly began my gender transition. I began dressing more androgynously and felt uncomfortable going by my birth name. I chose the name “Emlyn” at the time because it was a gender inclusive name that I assumed would be easy for people to use.

Boy, was I wrong.

Coming out initially was not easy. I came out to my friends and while they didn’t give me any issues, they still wouldn’t switch to my new name and pronouns (at the time, they/them/theirs, but that would later change). They all did come around, but not for a long time and not really until I changed my labels again in my junior year. I was not the most patient person when it came to being misgendered so I was feeling pretty discouraged. Of course, you would think that having a partner with the same identity as you would be your utmost support, but that’s a long story for a different time.

I didn’t come out to any family right away because of nerves. I had tried coming out to my mother about being pansexual but something didn’t feel right when I did. I eventually borrowed a book about being transgender from another trans friend of mine, left it on the counter, and went to bed, hoping that would be enough. It took a long time for my mother to come around, honestly, but today she is one of my biggest advocates and I wouldn’t have had many of the positive experiences I’ve had without her help. My father has been a silent supporter since I came out to him many, many months later. I never heard from him what his opinions of LGBTQ+ people are, so I waited until I absolutely needed to come out to come out to him. I don’t remember explicitly coming out to my stepfather, but he has shown support as well throughout the years.

By the time I was a junior in high school, I began identifying as a trans man. I had noticed that my gender really wasn’t fluctuating as it did when I was genderfluid and I enjoyed using he/him/his pronouns. I stopped using the name Emlyn soon after and for a while, just used the letter M as a nickname until I found an alternative. I had long since broken up with my initial genderfluid partner (someone who also later changed her label) and had time to explore my gender identity without the constraints and stress of a relationship.

I chose my first name not soon after coming out, and it was originally my middle name when I was using Emlyn. I was going on a cruise with my grandparents (people who, at the time, I was not out to, so I had to keep this under wraps), and I wanted to “trial run” a new name to see if it fit. I chose Michael, namely after Mike Shinoda from the band Linkin Park. It fit like a glove and when I got back from my vacation I began making the social switch from M to Michael.

My next task was to find a middle name, and again with my love of Mike from LP, I wanted the initials to match, because my last name and his begin with an S. His middle name is Kenji, so I needed a name with a K. After months of searching, I picked my middle name kind of on a whim and I haven’t looked back. Kyan. Then, on October 27, 2014, with the help of my loving mother, I was able to have my name legally changed to Michael Kyan! It was one of the best days and I celebrate it every year like a birthday.

Despite having changed my name to a traditionally masculine name, by the time I graduated high school, I was unsure of my gender yet again. My sexuality had changed again as well to asexual (lack of sexual attraction) and I was in a bit of an identity crisis. Over the summer after graduating, I returned to the original they/them/theirs pronouns and just stuck with that for a little while, without a particular label.

When I started college I lived in an LGBTQ+ living community on my campus which allowed me to further explore my gender in a safe environment. I was free to express myself which truly helped me be able to grow comfortable in my own skin. At this time, I began identifying as agender, the lack of gender. This is the label that fits mostly to how I feel today, although I still tend to say nonbinary simply because I feel it hits the ear better. I also switched from saying asexual to demisexual, which is akin to asexual, but means that there is no sexual attraction until a strong bond is formed. I usually just call myself queer because I feel comfortable reclaiming this word and it is broader than giving specific labels.

I’ve long since left that college and went to a comparatively less LGBTQ+ friendly one where it is harder to be taken seriously. I’m not in a living community anymore because I switched to commuting and it has taken a toll. Even while wearing pronoun pins no one seems to care. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt because more often than not I dress how my birth gender tend to dress and I can’t expect people to just instantly understand. However, there are days when the “she” and “her” pronouns dig a little too deep and I go home upset. It makes me question my identity and whether or not nonbinary is even real, despite the fact that I study anthropology and understand how different cultures experience gender. I know I am valid; some days are just more difficult than others.

Today, if someone were to label me, they could probably say femme-presenting nonbinary demisexual. I know that sounds like a mouthful. I’m living with my beautiful girlfriend and I’m fairly comfortable with my identity these days. There are still times where I question my identity and days where I loathe the hardships that come with being transgender, but overall, I wouldn’t change it for the world. My journey is my own and I would not be the person I am today without these experiences. My past has given me motivation for my future.

And I'm more than ready to see where this journey takes me next.