My Definition of Love

I have always assumed that love was never for me and it was a utopia created by the likes of stories and movies. The search of the perfect love is a like a quest that everyone want to have however not all can have.

I have met a man a year ago or so and I truly believe we would go far. He was caring and gave me a lot of attention at first. And then it all faded away.

I am truly frightened to feel emotion for someone as I had never experience in my life such a thing as love or even like. I have always wondered why It had been like this. Why do I scare men off? Why can’t I keep at least one around?

My world fell apart when the Grenfell tower burnt. I witnessed the scream of people burning to death as well as the sight of that gianormous building blazing.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD and had been advised for some counselling which I am currently undergoing.

I have discovered a lot about myself. Those self doubt and fear of abandonment had come from on my childhood. I was raised by a narcissist mother. I had been belittled and emotionally neglected as well as not protected. I have no clue of what it is like to be loved and cared for.

So when I met that man of mine who had shown me the delight of being appreciated and accepted I just let my guards down and partially trusted him that he wouldn’t hurt me the same way as others have always done.

I took a risk and today I can say we’ve hardly been in touch. I have taken all the blame for it by telling myself that I was too needy, too weak, too clingy. When can a man take the blame for their behaviour?

This man, let’s call him Gaston, has had his hardship and we are both hurt and survivors. Gaston has had a pretty hard life that he hardly talk about it however I can only guess.

That hardship made me so oblivious of the situation and I can’t count how many time I have found excuses for him letting me down.

The good thing about therapy is you learn a lot about yourself and how strong you have become however I am not prepared anymore to be ignored. I deserve to be me with all my emotions and moods. I do love him and there is not a day that passes at the moment that I wish things would have been different or that he’d change his mind. He is a good, clever man. It is just our personal stories that made our relationship impossible.

I do believe that everyone should experience at least once, regardless of the length of it, love. It will bring you faith and hope. It will teach you to take risk without having your poker face on. To live, love and travel will make you way stronger than you thought.

At this moment my heart aches, I am not ready to move on just yet however once I am ready I know I will be able to love to my fullest and to receive that same love back.

Now it is time to heal from my past that same past that I tried to run away from. That past that I tried to forget and came back to kick me in the gut. That past which I thought didn’t belong to me. Finally accepting that that past is part of my life and who I am. I want to embrace it as much I as I can because without it I wouldn’t be ME today.