My Empty Love Life

Love! Who needs it? Actually, I do, but I won't get that anymore. You see, my love life is as dead as a 1,000,000-year old dinosaur. Yup, I have no love life.

For me, life is beginning to be unbearable. Why? Because I no longer have anyone in my life. The one gal who I loved and wanted to marry passed away much too soon. So, I am left to deal with it. Some genius once said that there are plenty of fish in the sea. So true, but I am not out to go fishing. In my dating heyday, I used to just get the dead ones floating on the surface anyway. I want some love and compassion that only a woman could give me. That is all I ask out of life.

I have to admit that I am no prize. You'd have to look at me. On a scale of one to ten in the looks department, I'd rank myself at a two. I am not claiming to be a handsome guy. Face it. Just because one had two good-looking parents doesn't necessarily mean that their offspring will look just as good. I could go out on Halloween and–without trying at all–collect more candy than the neighborhood kids. Now, THAT is as hideous as they come.

Only ONE time in my life did a lady actually walk up to me and call me handsome. I graciously accepted her compliment. When I turned to thank her, she was gone! Just like that! I thought to myself that it had to be a hallucination. No beautiful woman (or ugly woman for that matter) has ever called me handsome. I decided that I may need to take up drinking, so that the next vision will make more sense.

I do have the general characteristics of a gentleman. I do hold doors open for women. I talk to them like the ladies they are. Once in a while, I might pay for an item for a lady who is in front or back of me in the store. I did that for one lady. She was nice enough to say, "Oh you don't have to do that. I have a coupon."

One year, I decided to improve my chances at finding love by simply changing my apparel. For that year, I bought three ties a week. I figured that if I varied my ties, and bought unusual ties as well, I would be able to get a conversation going whenever I went. I did the same with my suits except that I bought a suit every other week. Now, my closet was packed with dress shirts, ties and suits. I was able to go to business meetings, and formal events all over the planet, but I was never invited into a lady's heart at all. A nice lady walked up to me one day and said, "Sir, that is a beautiful tie. Where did you get it? I want to see if I can get one for my husband." Well, that certainly sealed the deal for me.

After that experience, I threw away most of my suits and ties. I had no need for them. They didn't work like I wanted them to do.

Now, it is 2019, and I have been traversing this planet for 63 solid years. Nothing has ever changed. Yes, I have been out with a few women, but none of them actually worked out for me. I guess that the old adage is very true for me. I came into this world with nothing, and I will certainly leave this Earth with nothing. I came into this world romantically unloved, and I will certainly leave this world romantically unloved.

I often wondered if I am just hideous inside and/or out. No one says anything. Instead, they just give me the standard saying, "Don't worry. There is someone out there just for you." Yeah, but in my case, it will be a bill collector who won't give a rat's behind about dating me. Others say that I should not try so hard. Okay. I will keep that in mind for other things as well like breathing. "Let love come to you. Don't go looking for it." Isn't that the situation I am in now?

Others have told me that instead of being in love, I should just get a hobby because love isn't worth the hassle of looking for it. So says the guy who was married for over 40 years, has children and grandchildren. I will NEVER have that. Let's look at the facts. As I already stated, I am 63. If I met a nice lady today, and spend a year to know her, I'd be 64. If we married next year and decided to have a child, I'd be 65 by the time the stork dropped a special package at our home somewhere. But wait! It gets to be much more interesting. If that child stayed with us until he or she turned 18, I'd be a youthful 83. Oh my gosh! There is no telling how old my wife would be if we were not the same age. It still gets better. If my child met someone and did like I did, when I said child turns 20 after a year of dating and a year of pregnancy, I'd be a cool 85. And if that child moved away at their 18th birthday, I'd be funeral dust, because I'd be extremely ancient.

This expanded timeframe is just the reason why I need to just give up. If it hasn't happened by now, it just will never happen. As far as my lifespan is concerned, the best times of my love life are well behind me. At this stage, folks are getting out of the dating "business." It's like sports. Nobody says at 63 or 83 or even 93, "Hey! It's time for me to start training so that I can become a boxer, and take on the world champ as ranked by Ring magazine." No, I am not in my prime. I am in my twilight years.

Long gone are the desires to be one of those couples who hold hands as they walk, or look so lovingly at each other. Never will I ever have the opportunity to look at a lady, and give her a bouquet of roses just because I am always thinking of her. Those thoughts will only occur in my head. If I were to go to a restaurant, the only lady who would approach me would be the lady who is taking my food order. If I was to reach out to hold a lady's hand as we walk down the street together, she would probably scream bloody murder and have me arrested.

So, in conclusion, I am pretty much ready to toss in the towel as far as romance is concerned. The show is over and it is time to go home. In my life, the ONLY thing that I come home to that has a nice set of legs and a colorful personality is my TV SET.