My Epiphany

Nothing, I just came to some self realizations and some things are going to start changing and I'm going to start changing. Not who I am, but some of the things I do and I don't want you to get the wrong idea in your head when some of these changes come. They're going to be hard and I'm going to fall into some pretty dark places, and I already know that, not bad like immoral, but dark, very dark places and I know that you hate that and it bothers you but it's not giving in and I just need you to know and understand that. I'm not giving into the dark places, but willingly going because I had an epiphany today before church. I need to focus on the negative to be happy, to succeed. When I was trying to be happy your way by shutting out the negative thought process I have I ended up being lazy and overall less happy than before. I discovered that it is my dissatisfaction with every single piece of life that gives me energy. Before I was negatively channeling that energy, but I realize now that I need to channel it into a constructive and positive outlet. I need to be more negative in order to be more productive, and being more productive will make me happier because since I've tried shutting out the negativity I grew complacent and didn't feel like my life had any value. I wasn't doing anything. I need to dive into those dark places and use that overwhelming emotion to my advantage instead of letting that darkness take advantage of it. I haven't had control for the entirety of my life and it has caused me to be temporarily happy, but overall delve all of my energy into this dark thought process and produce darker thoughts. I was a slave to that machine. Now, it's time to break the freaking machine, shoot the boss in the face with my middle finger in the air, and start rebuilding and repurposing that machine to do what I want it to do.

I know I rambled on for awhile and I'm sorry to make you read all of this... I don't know, I'm just excited about life and I've never been excited about it before. I've always strived to be complacent and be like everybody else and live the way everyone else thinks I should live, but I'm finally realizing after 18 years on this stupid Earth that none of you know me like I know me. I will always be open to advice and constructive criticism, but once someone starts telling me how to change my core self is when I need to cut them off and stop listening. I need to find my core self again and build him back up because I know you've seen him and that's who you love, but I haven't. I've always lived for someone else and it's time for me to start living with my own best interest at heart.

I was always so good with advice because I would tell others the way I WANTED to be living, but wouldn't because I was scared I would lose the people close to me. Well I know that if someone truly loves me and wants to be in my life they won't care what I'm doing with it, but just be supportive and I know you are going to hate this but that's what I'm asking you to do for me. Don't question, don't get upset when I'm sad, just try and support me. I know that's hard for you and you don't understand it (trust me I know probably better than most) but I need you to trust and support me like how I'm trying my damn hardest to trust and support you. If you can't, I do understand it's a lot to ask, especially on the spot. You just mean the world to me and I don't want to lose you... Friend, girlfriend, wife; whatever you decide you want our relationship to be (because at the end of the day it's always been your choice. I've always been here and even if I had a girlfriend I'd leave her in a heartbeat without second thought to be with you because you are what drives me to be a better person. You are what motivates me to be my best self... anyways continuing on) I never want to lose you in my life. I care about you a lot and just need you to know what's going on, because I know it's going to be hard to watch because I know I'm going to struggle through it. If you decide not to watch, then like I said before. Go be happy, but don't forget I love you. Don't forget me.