My Ex, Who Also Happens to Be My Best Friend and Life Savior

It all started in November of 2014. A young, vulnerable girl was unable to sleep. Exposed to unimaginable things already, when only 13. I had to deal with pain and exhaustion, just from my own head. I was drowning, and no one saw it. I was touched as a young girl, and all my problems sprouted from that point. I hated myself, and it only got worse from there.

At this point, I wanted to take my life. I couldn't stand to be in my own skin any longer. I went to see my best friend one more time; she deserved that. She let me sleep in her bed, just because she felt like it. I felt bad I was going to be leaving her soon, but I couldn't take it anymore.

Opening up my laptop I had brought with me, I went on Omegle. It's a place I shouldn't be, but I couldn't sleep. Mindlessly talking, skipping, and holding back emotions I didn't even understand. Then suddenly, I landed on someone and decided to stay. We said our hellos, and he said the fateful question.

"Are you OK?"

I don't know what got into me, but I poured my heart out to a complete stranger. A boy I just met on the internet literally ten seconds ago. I don't know what I was thinking, but it flowed into my fingers and out onto the screen like water. I couldn't hold it back, and he didn't make me. A complete and utter stranger sat with me for hours on end through the night just to help me through what I was feeling.

I felt a sort of security blanket knowing this wasn't someone who knew me well enough to judge me, or give me false advice. It was a listening ear, and I immediately felt comfortable with the young boy in front of me. A year older than me he was.

Being the adolescents we were, we knew no better. We immediately began to date. Over the next few weeks we got to know each other. We added each other on Facebook, and talked through there. We made up a fake interest on Omegle to automatically find each other every single time. Everyone who I mentioned him to said I was dumb. I know nothing about this boy; he doesn't even live here. I didn't care. All I knew was that boy stopped me from taking my life.

I still remember when I first heard his voice. We were tired of not speaking. We both had computers, but neither had microphones. The one he was using was his uncles, mine, school provided. Although, we both had a family computer with only audio, and no visual. He had me download and join a popular gaming platform called Steam. There you can voice call over chat, and that's exactly what we did. The moment I heard him say "hey," I knew that boy was going to change my life entirely.

Months on end we would call on the phone late nights, video chat for hours at a time, and struggle together. I was terrified of the male gender for so long because of what happened to me, but with him it was different.

He had done some work for his uncle, and he bought him a new laptop as payment. My mom bought me new headphones. We started video calling on Google+. He knew my insecurities. Not long did it take for him to try to make me feel better.

What I'm about to say next may make some people say it was just for the visuals, just attempt to understand. I hated my image. I was chubby, had crooked teeth, and I didn't know how to hold myself because I was so self-conscious. We were kids, we had "sinful" encounters, but one day something different happened. He asked me to take off my clothes, and he backed away from the computer. I asked him why? He said you'll find out once I do. Confused, I did it anyways, not scared of what could happen. All he said was this, "Do you see those? Those marks on your belly. Those are your tiger stripes. Do you see that little pudge? That's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Those pearly whites you got there? Most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I am not taking pictures, I am not going to start anything with you, but you are gorgeous inside and out. You do not need to have a perfect body to be beautiful. And that's exactly what you are." I began to cry, and he kept going on and on. That was the first time I had felt good about myself since I could remember. Once it was over, he had me put my clothes back on and we watched Markiplier together.

We sent each other things. Presents, letters, anything. But...one day, he ended things. He lived only a few states away, but he had moved to the other side of the country a few months ago. The time difference made things way too hard. He went from homeschooling to public. He also skipped freshmen year. He's a grade above me. He had more responsibilities because of his parents. Trying to balance all of it and a long distance relationship was too much. Especially when he wanted to hug me when I was crying and couldn't, because his parents hated me. Hated the thought of us. They hated anything that made him happy. His father said that because I was depressed, I was a "low lying fruit," and he could do better. Everyone at school made fun of him. So he broke things off. I was absolutely devastated, but I understood.

That was almost three years ago.

Since then, he has become top of his class, he has made it to state for debate twice in a row. He now has a car, a job, and is growing into a handsome, intelligent, extraordinary young man. He turns 18 in less than five months. Over the past few years, since we've broken up, it has been a long and twisted road to recovery.

When we broke up, we agreed to stay friends, best friends, and keep it that way. But we also said maybe in the future, when school is over, and our life is under our own control, we could figure things out. I will admit, the first year was the worst. The feelings were hard to deal with, and all we did was fought. I had three girlfriends after him. Two were flings, one was for about two months. He had two. We blocked each other's messages at times, and it was one big hell.

The most recent year wasn't necessarily easy, but it was a big lesson and we've grown from it. Especially myself. He has been with this girl for over a year. We agreed that we would live our lives normally, and nothing would change that. He genuinely loves her, but he still loves me. You know the one person you couldn't get rid of feelings for, but you learn to live with them. I was with a boy for almost a year, but it wasn't for me. I had much too much to think about, and I also go to a special high school/college dual program and there was just a lot on my plate.

His girlfriend was his best friend there before they were together, so she knows the whole backstory about him and me. She knows all the plans for the future we had, all the things we said to each other, every last bit of it. She had once said to me she would never try to be with him, and I felt betrayed at first, but I learned to live with it. His happiness was all I cared for.

A few months back, him and I got into the biggest fight we've ever had. I can't quite remember how it began, but it had to do with us, and feelings we have. I remember asking him, "Do you even ever feel like you still want what we had hoped for." The past few fights normally he would say he didn't know, or no to a question of the nature. And it would end on a sour note. But this time, he says, "of course." As we fought, he sat in his girlfriend's car waiting for her to get off work. They work together, and she was closing that day. We hung up and he ranted to his girlfriend about it. I barely remember everything, but he ended up calling back and we were fixing it then and there. I've never heard her voice, but while on the phone I heard her coming and what I heard was something like, "really? You're still talking to her?" He said, yes, I am.

Skipping ahead, he calls me again later that night and we discussed what they talked about in the car. I've told him time and time again that she hates me, and he would say no she doesn't, she's just scared of you because of our history. That night he said that she did hate me. She hates me because I have what she wants, referring to him. I started to tear up and I said, "But that's what I'm dealing with. She's the one with you." Following, he said that he told her exactly that. But he has come up with the plan that the summer of 2018 that he is going to take time away from her, and come to see me once he graduates his senior year of high school.

Here I am in February of 2018 writing this. The day to finally hold the boy in my arms is so near, and my heart aches to look him in his eyes and say we made it. No matter the bumps we dealt with, we made it this far, and we will continue to push side by side, even through a screen.

I still think back to what she said though, about me having him. What does she see that I'm afraid isn't there? What does she know, or what has she said, that he won't tell me only because it will complicate what we have agreed to for time being. I have so many questions, but I know one thing for sure. I love him with my whole being.

I have a lot to think about, but then again, I am only 17 years old. I have quite a lot to think about. But we've done it together so far. He helps me with my homework, and I the same for him. We've both grown in so many ways, for the better. I'm beyond happy to have this person in my life. It is the person who made me feel beautiful, strong, and worthy of love. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and he saved my life. Without him I would not have made it this far, and I will hold onto him forever. Love isn't solely for older people, and I can say that for a fact. Once you start wishing for someone else's safety over your own, that's love.

Age is only a number. Distance is only a number. Time is only a number. My book isn't over as I once thought. It's just now beginning. All. Because. Of.

Him.