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I was dating a man for four years who planned to marry me. Six months in, he proposed without a ring. After a year and a half, he told me that he likes to do things suddenly and to be prepared if he suddenly took me to a courthouse to get married. I asked if I should then buy a dress because I wouldn't want to do it in regular clothes and he said 'yes,' so I bought the dress.
There were some inconsistencies and weird occurrences, but this was my first relationship, so I ignored a few red flags. For instance, there were times that he would plan a date night and would ask me to drive several hours to his house. I would do so and wear the finest clothing only to arrive and the meal is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as he would suddenly decide that he was not taking me anywhere.
Other times, he would take me out for a nice drive and a good meal, but he would drive around the restaurant to ensure that none of his friends were eating there. For some reason, he wanted everyone to think that he was single. He would also drive to visit his parents and would tell me that he can't speak to me for several days because the cell phone service was bad. Yet, when he was in my presence, his parents called him several times from the same location using their cellphones. He went out of his way to prove this lie by driving to restaurants and then calling me saying "I had to drive to a different place in order to get reception." He also forbid me to meet his parents at all. Every holiday, he would say "where are you going to go? Because I'm going to see my parents," in order to ensure that there was no chance of me thinking that I could go with him.
We continued to have good times whenever we met (it was an LDR). He would drive me around and select the types of houses that he wanted to raise "our children" in, the names for the children, and even the names for the pets. I was excited because I'd never seen a man take so much control over the future of his relationship and this made me fall madly in love. He told me that he loved me.
However, at the two-year mark, he suddenly hit the brakes and I was the one who had to ask him about the wedding planning, etc. He also made me fly to see him and stopped offering to visit me. At the three year mark, he began to become passively controlling. If I said that I was a little tired of visiting without receiving visits, he would block my number and leave me in a tailspin for days wondering if something bad had happened. When he would finally talk, he would say "I thought that you broke up with me since you said that you were tired of visiting."
I told him that blocking my number made me feel really bad and that I even had to go to the doctor because thinking that he was dead put a strain on my heart and I had to get medication. He told me that he would never block me again.
Time passed and he still would not discuss the wedding other than saying that he now wanted it to be in an empty church and only the preacher could attend. Also, he would never let his friends see me or his family members and I was not allowed to tell anyone that we were in a relationship. He pretended to be single to his family for an entire four years.
Finally, we said our last "I love you," he sent me a text while I was at work and I sent "ttyl" because, among other things and having a very stressful day, the supervisor was coming. A few hours later, he blocked me. He unblocked me the next day to send me a text to dump me while he knew I was at work in a high profile position (leaving me crying for all to see) and then blocked my number again so that I could not say anything. Also, he is keeping "our cat," which is expected because he lives with him. However, he didn't even allow me to say goodbye. After this, my life crashed because of the sudden change in course. I could not concentrate at work (since that's where I received the message), I could not concentrate in class, and I basically became a crying, shaking mess who couldn't go out in public.
I planned my suicide because I didn't see any other options: I was afraid that I would lose my job and fail my courses. I couldn't do simple tasks like paying bills. I couldn't trust or talk to anyone because the relationship had been a secret.
On the day that I planned the suicide, I decided that I wanted to see my old neighborhood (which was in a high crime area) for the last time. Something changed in me when I went, because I felt that, if I survived that, there's hope. Also, a very trusted friend knew that I was feeling low and gave me a few reasons to live.
Now, I have decided to concentrate on other things. I am moving in new directions with my career and I am receiving travel opportunities that I would not have been able to pursue with my ex-fiancé. I still do not think it is fair that he is allowed to have a good reputation after treating someone this way. After all, he is a psychologist.