My First Heartbreak

This is my story about how I met the one at the wrong time. My first heartbreak was one of the biggest learning experiences I’ve had so far. I didn't realize how emotionally damaging this relationship was until I left it. I loved him, I really did, and I know he loved me. But, not a single relationship is perfect. As being only 20 years old, I still have a hell of a lot of growing up to do. I've known this boy for seven years, but we only dated for ten months. In my opinion, it should have ended long before then. We’ve broken up twice before we truly ended. At the time, I thought I was the one that needed to change; I was the one that needed to be the better partner. But in reality it was him, but I know that he was emotionally able to be a boyfriend. I was so wrapped up in our relationship that I didn't think I could live without him. The first time he broke up with me, I was in shock and I was truly heartbroken. I was begging for him not to go. I was laying in bed that night with the worst ache in my chest. That was the first and only time he broke my heart, because even though we got back together, he never mended my heart again. Two weeks later, he broke up with me again, and I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I felt that I was actually able to breathe again. Those two weeks we were together again, I would cry almost every day in fear that he would break up with me again. I would try and do everything I could to show I was a good girlfriend and that I was worth keeping. When we broke up the second time, I felt so relieved and happy. I had made an appointment to dye my hair blonde, made plans to actually hang out with my friends again, and focus on school. I hardly cried. I thought that I was stronger until he texted me two days later asking if we could talk. I felt fear but also excitement. I thought this was a sign that we were meant to be together. I quickly agreed and I saw him the next morning. This part is hard for me to think about, even today. I knew I should have let him go. He bought me flowers to apologize and to reassure me. I thought that we were going to be OK now. But my trust in him was gone no matter how hard I tried to trust him. Every day I would be so anxious that he was going to leave me again. The next few months were actually OK, but still, he wasn't emotionally there. I would be crying and he would sit their and ignore me most of the times. I thought that I was crazy and a bad girlfriend. I knew how unhealthy this was, but I couldn't talk to him about it. Then, unfortunately, I went into an episode of sadness/depression. I knew it was because of our relationship, but I couldn’t tell him that. I had to leave this relationship but I didn't want to lose him. I was terrified. A week or two after that, he started acting weird and I knew he was going to break up with me. I didn't want to lose him but I knew we had to break up. The games he played weren't fair to me nor to him. Finally, I told him I was done. I have never felt so relived. Although I was scared to lose him, I now love myself and I knew I needed to leave. I mended my own broken heart on my own. I love him and I always will, and I hope that one day we find each other again. With loving him, I figured out how to love myself and I am embracing it.

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This story is about my first heartbreak with the first guy I ever loved.