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I just came out of a five-year relationship that ended very abruptly! My girlfriend just blindsided me with a note saying she wasn’t happy, then packed her bags and left before I got home from work!
In the last year, we had been talking about getting married and having kids. She seemed like she was on board with the whole thing or at least I thought we were on the same page?
She is 37 years old and I am 42 and starting over again is not what I expected to be doing at this stage of my life! I am heart broken, disillusioned, and shocked that she didn’t have the courage to tell me to my face that she wasn’t happy anymore.
Her note just basically said she couldn’t live in an unemotional environment anymore and felt like our relationship was more like a sister/brother connection.
I know she wanted kids badly and she was concerned about her age and that it might be a problem to conceive. That’s what baffles me even more as I was ready to start a family and she just threw it away.
Our sex life was OK but looking back it could have been more consistent I guess. It was a little robotic but isn’t everyone like that after a long time together?
It’s only been a few weeks since she left but I am devastated and don’t know what to do? Should I contact her or should I just accept this as the end? I don’t want to be a stalker guy or come across miserable and needy.
What do you think happened to us and what should I do?
Thank you Sybersue!
The one thing that got my attention was when you said your girlfriend was tired of living in an unemotional environment. It sounds as if the passion and romantic side of your relationship became diluted over your five years together and that maybe things became complacent and taken for granted in your partnership.
It takes two people to keep a relationship healthy and loving.
The fact that it took four years into your partnership before marriage or children were discussed could also be part of the problem. This might have been a reality check to your girlfriend and that making this serious family commitment might not be what she really wants after all.
It also may be because your relationship communication has taken a turn and she can’t see herself in a platonic environment for the rest of her life. I know that sounds harsh but you yourself said that things had become robotic between the sheets. That’s not a good thing after only five years together.
You are asking me if you should contact her or just leave things as they are:
- This shows me that maybe you’re not as invested in your girlfriend as you thought you were.
- Being non-reactive and not contacting her for two weeks is maybe while she feels less emotionally connected to you today.
- If you truly loved her wouldn’t you fight for her and try to make things right?
- Wouldn’t you try to find a way to correct the problems in your relationship?
- Or at the very least wouldn’t you want to talk to her and find some closure as to what transpired and why she wanted to end things so abruptly?
I don’t know how many conversations you have had as a couple regarding any problems you had in your partnership but sometimes we shut down if we hear the same things over and over again by just ignoring them.
That’s not cool as feelings need to be validated.
There are usually at least a few red flags when a relationship is breaking down. I would be really honest with yourself and what you want for your future and then contact your girlfriend and have a good talk.
Make sure you were not just with her out of convenience and because you think it is time to settle down. Those biological time clocks can be the reason many men and women make unhealthy decisions in their 30s/40s!
If you want to try to correct things with her, you need to be sincere about your feelings and what is important to you in your partnership. You shouldn’t be OK that things became complacent between the two of you. You both have to constantly work to keep romance and love alive in a committed relationship. It is not a given that it will always be there.
The way she left is not a good sign that she wants to make things work but I always say it’s never too late to at least try to salvage a relationship if there is still love between the two of you.
It’s up to you on how you handle the next step but I certainly wouldn’t leave things for too long if we want a chance to reconcile with her. She needs to know you care now not in a few months from now.
Keep me posted Brad!