My Last

How could I ever really tell you the truth? How can I ever love you endlessly when my heart continues to stop me from loving you. You have been my heartbeat through all of this and I can only wish I could do the same for you. The love you have for me is too powerful for me to take in. Too difficult for me to care for. I love you. I've always known that. and I care so much about you, and I will always be here when you need me. And you will always do the same for me. You have know no idea how much I appreciate you but just because I appreciate you doesn't mean we should be together. I never meant for all of this to happen. I tried. I begged the lord and everyone to help me love you again. But I can't force my love. The reason I let you go all the time is so that your feelings grow no more for me.. whilst I sit here and pout about how I can't help my feelings. It's not fair to you. You deserve someone who loves you the way you want to be loved and you may be blind, stubborn, hardheaded, and so much more to everything I say but you know I'm right about this. You didn't believe you could ever love again after your ex, but here I am showing you wrong. You fell in love with me and continue with this belief of yours that you'll never love again. As a woman, I know you will love again and when you do I will be there, in your mind of course. And you'll remember the very moment I told you that you will find love again. And you'll realize how very much correct I was. And then you will understand why it could never work between us.

I have this beautiful image in my head of getting married to my best friend, and making little versions of us. And at first I thought it was you, but now that we are here again, being more than friends I've realized you are not my best friend. He's still out there waiting for me. This image in my head is quite a sight. I don't expect much in my life anymore. Money was my pursuit. But after experiencing such love from my grandparents it's made me realize I'd rather die knowing I fell in love my best friend than to die the richest woman alive. Unfortunately, you don't meet that criteria. You love me, yes. But I don't like the way you love me. And I know that sounds selfish but I can only speak the truth when it comes to you. I want more... I want adventure, I want surprises, I want fun. And you, you do not provide me fun. I want real laughs, and smiles, and conversations. Oh god the conversations between us are so tiring and I'm so sorry for saying this. I didn't want to tap into this deep mind of mine because, frankly, when I speak about you it brings out the worst. That's why I say you are better off without me. I will only bring you nothing but pain. Something you're OK with dealing with, but not me.

You will become a burden to me one day. But I can stop it right now by freeing you from what is ahead. I'm incurable. My heart needs time to mend. You've been nothing but sweet to me and the biggest help I've ever had. You got me out of my depression, I was going down a very dark path. But none of that matters. I let the girl, wanting nothing but to feel important again, take over me and I fell into your trap once again. This is the last time, it was supposed to be a new year for me that did not involve you one bit. I can still save that. I'm sorry for not loving the way you deserve.. consider this as my final farewell.