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My Last Love

The day it all ended.

This story starts a few years ago. She caught my eye but I couldn't say a word. I spent an entire year sitting just feet from the girl of my dreams. Love at first sight. Never able to do more than shyly smile as we passed each day. In my mind we were just too different. She loved being in class and was great at math. I loved missing class to go outside and smoke with the guys and couldn't stand being near math. Every time I looked at her my heart skipped and she never noticed me, which I was pretty used to anyways. Years later after a lot of bad choices and A LOT of ruining my mind with violence and alcohol I ran across her at Walmart. Just walking around with a friend from the same math class and the most beautiful girl in the world walks across my path once again. 

I smiled at her and she smiled back. My heart melted instantly when our eyes locked but I couldn't say a word. I found out she worked there and decided I was done giving up my chances. It took me weeks of walking out there almost every day to say anything. I went up to her and asked if she remembered me and she said she knew me from the class but couldn't place my name. I told her my name, handed her my number on a scrap of paper, and asked her if she wanted to go to dinner that night. I was out with my brother when she texted me and I ended up stuck 45 mins away and I thought for sure I had missed my shot. Somehow, bafflingly, she decided to go to dinner with me the next night. That was the start of the best time of my life, but as  it goes life only gives you brief pauses of true happiness before the break ends and you're worse than before. That's where I am, and that's where my story begins. 

I lay here alone writing this after having dropped our daughter off to her mom. So here's the story of one of the two worst nights of my life, and the night my emotions shut down. Fast forward a couple months and the fighting has started. Not to the point of it being an every day thing but the fights usually end with me yelling (anger issues) and her crying (sensitive and I'm dumb). We find out she's pregnant and the stress starts getting to me because I didn't have a job at the time. She helped me get a job at Walmart and things start getting better, the fighting is still happening but we're better and we're having good times still. I decided I didn't want the woman I love dealing with being pregnant by herself so I proposed and we started planning our future. The wedding was great, some small things but, hey stuff happens. We ended up living together in a tiny RV that her family had let us use and we were both jobless so the stress and fighting were getting pretty bad. We got a low income apartment and I thought it was a great opportunity. I was wrong. Plain and simple I was very wrong. Still no job, more stress, a couple members of her family were really making things worse. Then our daughter was born and once again, I thought things would be better. Once again so very wrong. Still fighting, still no job, still stressing. One night after having been at my mom's for a couple weeks we got into a big fight and I just knew. 

We laid down for bed, I told her I love her, and I could tell it was the end. I looked at her and said "you don't really wanna do this do you?". Then came the response that shattered my soul, "I just wanna go home". I told her that was fine and that I'd always love her and her happiness was worth it to me. As she stood there in front of me with tears streaming down her face I couldn't let her see it kill me so I smiled with tears in my eyes. "Look at me, if I can smile through this you're gonna be just fine." I said to her. She told me she loves me and she's sorry. Sorry. That hurt worse than anything. The fact she thought this was her fault was the breaking point for me. I told her I love her, we called for our rides and went our separate ways once they got there. Now over a year and a half later I lay alone in my bed. Depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts. Hoping to put my life back together and laughing at myself for thinking anyone is gonna read this or even care. Hopefully someone reads this and sees that I made it through and even though I'm a a new low point I still make it through. I don't do it just for my daughter I do it to motivate others as well. Hopefully someone will take strength from this. Thank you for caring enough to read this. If you're wondering about the picture btw that's how I see her and I.

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