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My Lesson on Emotional Abuse

After years of relationship abuse, this is the story of how I overcame it all and learned to love myself

By Ambrenna SolisPublished 6 years ago 12 min read
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TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse, mentions of Self-Harm and Suicide

I had never been in a horrible relationship before, so this treatment was shocking to me. Nevertheless, it took me years to stop it because I became so accustomed to it. Before my abuse, I became depressed when I was 13 and developed anxiety, paranoia, and many bad habits. In my freshman year of high school, I went to hospitals, therapists, and was prescribed medication for my feelings and behavior. I looked to boys/men to fill the emptiness I felt, and it was such an unhealthy habit to have. Not only did I use guys to feel whole, I picked ones that were completely toxic to my mental health. When I was 14 I met a boy, who we'll call "Grey," who was three years older than me and we got to talking a lot. He seemed just like my type - dark, brooding, troubled - and I was extremely attracted to him. Within less than a week of our nonstop talking, Grey became my boyfriend, and although I was moving to the other side of the country the next month, we decided to give it a shot. Obviously, since our relationship was long distance, you can gather on your own that the abuse was emotional, but still just as painful as physical abuse.

Six months ago, a month before I broke up with Grey, I felt so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts about our relationship that I decided to put them all on paper. Here is what I wrote:

"June 1, 2017: All I ever wanted to do was give [Grey] everything and be enough for him. I took a chance being with him when I was about to move to the other side of the country, but little did I know I was also agreeing to be in a relationship with his demons. Successful, normal guys scare me because I’m afraid they’ll turn out to be cocky players, but men who need fixing are no better for me. Yet I’m always drawn to these toxic disasters.

[Grey's] father abused him and his mother was rarely around and no one was ever there to push him to be his best. He hurt himself and, at the beginning of our relationship, thought about suicide every day and used toxic coping mechanisms. I was attracted to this mess. I tried to be that person that pushed him. And when he did try his hardest, I was proud of him and felt accomplished. I felt like I was enough for the man who was always searching for a way to feel complete.

When we first started dating, we fought all the time. It was every day, sometimes more than once a day. I cried when he abused drugs or drank because I didn’t know what to do. We almost broke up three times before he quit all that stuff, but [Grey] did really well after that. The fighting started to lessen, but not his distrust in me. I had hardly done anything to make him feel he shouldn’t trust me, besides stupid stuff a 14 year old girl who has never been in a serious relationship would do, yet he still threw accusations in my direction. He thought I was cheating or flirting with every guy I saw, he didn’t believe I was a virgin, etc. I ignored it and defended him when others questioned our relationship and his treatment towards me; he’d been hurt in his past so he was obviously just paranoid. He loved me, so it didn’t matter. I gave him every excuse in the book. I weighed out his bad traits with all the good things he did, like how sweet he could be and when he would surprise me with texts about how much he loved me.

But as we grew nearer to the end of that relationship, the nice things [Grey] did couldn’t cover up how mean he could be: how he would call me less and less, how he never sent me presents or letters except for that one Christmas and Valentine’s Day, how much he didn’t trust me even though I wasn’t doing anything, how much he made me cry, etc. I can’t count on two hands how many times I cried myself to sleep because of him. In the last seven months of that relationship, there was a point where he wouldn’t call me or tell me he loved me at all, not even on our anniversary. I lasted a year and four months, and never did I realize it was the budding of abuse.

I moved high schools again and met a nice senior (we'll call him "David") that was showing a lot of interest in me. [David] was very sweet and attentive and I could tell he liked me a lot. But I was in love with my depressed and emotionally absent long distance boyfriend who didn’t care about me. Having feelings for two guys who were polar opposites began to stress me out and I felt like a horrible person for wanting someone who wasn’t my boyfriend. But in the end, I ended up breaking up with [Grey], and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I cried a lot because I felt like I was making a huge mistake and I hated hurting him. And only when I was breaking up with him did he fight for me and say he loved me. [Grey] and I were broken up for eight months and I never got over him. We remained friends and I continued to be in love with him, even though I also fell into love - or what I thought was love - with [David] who seemed head over heels for me. But that fell through, and [David] turned out to have a baby he didn’t know about from a previous relationship, so he left me to be with the mother, and I went back to [Grey].

I didn’t go back to him because I felt I had to or I didn’t want to be lonely; I thought I loved him and I wanted to give him another chance. But now that I think about it, it also might have been the loneliness talking. Besides the fact he didn’t want to be my boyfriend right away or make any commitments, [Grey] was great in the beginning. But then he found out I had done stuff with [David] while we were broken up, and that I almost tried going back to [David] while [Grey and I] had recently gotten back together because I wasn’t getting from him what I felt I deserved. (This whole part is a mess and kind of hard to explain so bear with me; I explained it the best I could.) This made the trust he had apparently built up for me again disintegrate. It’s been almost eleven months since we got back together and he’s back to the way he used to be. Actually, he's worse.

He slut shames me for the things I’d done and once again doesn’t believe that fact I’m still a virgin. He makes up things in his head and blames me for them as if they are actually happening. He blames me for his behavior and sometimes I do believe it’s my fault. He subtly blames me for everything. He accuses me of cheating and assumes I have things going on with the few male friends I have. He’s not attentive and doesn’t act like he cares about my feelings. It’s been two months since we talked on the phone and he rarely says I love you. He tries to break up with me all the time but I never let him do it because I freak out and don’t know what I would do without him. I'm a sad mess clinging to his every threatening word.

I realized a few months ago the way he treats me is emotional abuse. I feel bad for saying he abuses me when sometimes he can act totally normal, but abuse isn’t a constant thing, right? They can be cussing you out or physically hurting you one minute, then the next minute they can be loving and pretending everything is okay. Still, his ability to act normal makes me feel like my thoughts are irrational. I will admit, I sometimes casually flirt with other guys because I’m tired of everything I go through, and I know that’s wrong of me. Grey would kill me for it. I have to leave because I no longer love him enough to remain completely faithful and that scares me because I’m not a cheater. He doesn’t make me feel whole enough to not think about other guys and what it would be like to love someone else, someone safe and good for me, and be loved by them. He doesn’t go out of his way to make me happy or do things for me; he almost doesn’t care about my happiness. I deserve someone that does. He frustrates me so much and he makes me feel so bad I think about hurting myself, not that I ever go through with it. Very rarely I think about ending my life because of his abuse when I haven’t thought like that in so long. But its’s an irrational thought because I could so easily get out of this relationship and walk away.

I don’t know how to leave him because I love him and the last time I did, it hurt so much. All I ever wanted was to be enough for him, but I’m destroying myself trying to reach this ideal I’ll never become. He’ll never love me the way I want him to, even if I love him so much. I give him the world, and he gives me next to nothing in return. He never calls me horrible names, but he makes me feel small, insignificant, and gross. He shouldn’t be in a relationship right now, and when he’s finally ready, I won’t be the one for him. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to have such an effect on [Grey] that later he feels bad for the way he treated me. This is our second time trying to be together and once again, it’s only caused pain."

A month after I wrote this, I broke up with Grey for good. An acquaintance of mine ("Rick") with whom I had a mutual friend had decided to message me randomly and we got to talking, and I told him my relationship issues. Like any sane person, Rick told me to dump the guy and stop letting myself get treated that way. I had heard the same spiel before, but this time it was more serious. I felt it deep in me that it needed to be over with Grey. Plus, Rick was a guy I'd had a nagging, back-of-my-mind crush on for almost a year and a half at the time, so what he was saying resonated with me. He helped me realize my courage and I got enough guts to break it off completely with Grey, although I was extremely nervous. I'm a person that hates hurting other people's feelings, so break ups are not fun for me.

Of course in the midst of me breaking it off, Grey tried to prove his love for me and promised he would change. He begged for another chance and wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't take him making me feel bad about my decision so I blocked him on everything and haven't spoken to him since. He made me feel the worst about myself for three years so I had to be rid of him. He made me believe I was an awful person undeserving of forgiveness and love. I felt I had to win his affection and that every misfortune in our relationship was my fault. I could never be myself with him, felt constant anxiety with him, and never felt totally comfortable. People like that do not deserve to be in your life.

Grey did not love me. He might have at one point, but what he was doing to me was not love. Never mistake a person's threatening actions for "love." If a person truly loved you, they would do nothing to hurt you. That's why I also believe I did not truly love Grey; I thought I did, but I was affected by his confusing behavior.

I will admit, part of the reason why I'm so happy right now is because of Rick. He helped me when I wanted to leave Grey and became a safe haven for me. He saved me from the grips of abuse and self destruction and I'm so thankful for that. But while Rick was my savior, that does not mean anyone needs to be saved by another person. We are all capable of saving ourselves, this is just the way my story goes. Rick and I have been together for a while and most of my insecurities have diminished with his help. For example, me, a stick who could never gain weight before, has gained healthy "relationship weight" because of him. With his help I have become more confident and care more about myself. He has guided me in loving myself.

No, my journey for self love is not less valid because I was partially guided by a man. People come into your life for a reason, whether that is to be a blessing or a lesson. Rick came into my life to show me what I deserve and that being positive is important in life. I don't rely on him to make me feel good; rather, he's a bonus in my already better life. The only negative time letting someone have that big of an effect on your life is when that is a toxic person that could be bad for your mental health, or when you rely on someone so much that, if they were to leave your life, you would feel lost without them. Do not let toxic people influence your life, otherwise you will feel the drastic effects of it. You will become so influenced by their thoughts and words that you won't feel like yourself. You don't need anyone to feel whole. You only need yourself; everyone else is just a bonus. That is exactly why confidence and self love is important.

Please use my story as strength to get out of any toxic relationships, whether they be romantic or platonic. I endured a lot from Grey and have become a stronger person because of it. He put me through complete hell, and when I look back on the relationship I'm extremely grateful I got out of it. I often wonder how I put up with it for so long, but we all go through trials for a reason. Grey was a lesson and he taught me exactly what I shouldn't put up with in a relationship. He also taught me not to rely on anyone, because they can let you down, and then who will you have? That is why you need to love and trust yourself completely.

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About the Creator

Ambrenna Solis

I'm a college student majoring in nutrition and minoring in English and psychology, dancer, and aspiring health care professional. Writing has been my passion since I was 10 years old.

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