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My Letter to Him

What I Want to Say Now That You're Gone

It's been months since I let you walk away. But here I am, just now getting back up on my own two feet. Because I knew, in that first moment I met you, that there was something about you that I needed. Turns out, it wasn't something about you, but it was the things you'd teach me that I needed.

Before I met you, I had only felt a couple of emotions. My heart had only one rhythm. My experiences were limited, and all my dreams and goals were restricted. I felt incomplete, but you helped ground me, and find ways to get what I wanted. You changed me, the way I felt was, and still is hard to find words to explain truthfully. I wish I could explain what it was like to look in your eyes, and get lost. Or how many butterflies I got, just hearing your voice. And the way your smile made my heart skip a beat. Mostly, when I was with you, I felt complete. When we were still together, there was something about you. I don't know exactly what it was. Maybe it was the way nothing else mattered when it was just us, or how you made me smile like no one else. It could've been the way you always knew what to say. Whatever it was, I see it all now.

Life without you was very difficult at first. But someday we will forget the small stuff. I will forget how you looked at me, and I will stop dreaming about you, wishing for you to come back. You will forget the way I laughed at all the little things you said, and the way I always made us late for everything and then blamed you for it. We will eventually be too far away from one another, and we will forget most of what we had. Someday it all won't matter anymore. For the first bit, I blamed losing you on timing; that it was the wrong place, wrong time situation. That, maybe if we had met later on, when we were older and mature, things would've worked out the way we dreamed. But now, I realize that sometimes, people just don't fit together. No matter the things they do or how hard they try.

When we were told that you and I were "meant to be" we just assumed it was forever. But perhaps it isn't supposed to be forever. Maybe, just maybe, it's just when someone who is in your life, is there to teach you something. I think that forever isn't always a person, but more often than not what you gain from them.

I didn't get it, but now I see it. I really see it. You were so good for me. Honestly, I mean, you helped me so much, and you are the best thing that ever happened to me. But the world is twisted and unfair, and let's face it... I am no good for you. But maybe she is, and yeah, I am jealous. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I hadn't shut down and pushed you away. But I think it, it came from how scared I was to need you. But I am, and always will be a mess, and God you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who's perfect for you. It's hard to sit here and see how good you're doing, because I am not. You were like coming up for fresh air like I was drowning and you saved me.

But perhaps you didn't love me like you said you did. Maybe, you just don't like the thought of being alone, or maybe I was good for your reputation. I may have made you feel better about your miserable life. But now I question if you loved me, because you don't destroy the person that you love. And, here I am, destroyed, broken and lost. While you are with her and happy. I hate this feeling. All I wanted was to make you happy the way you did for me. It just turns out I didn't do a good job.

I loved you, and I probably always will, at least a little. You were my first love. For a period of time, longer than I'll admit, the feelings remained present. But I hope my love no longer troubles you. The last thing I want to do is cause you any pain. God, did I love you; the hopelessness, the jealousy, the laughs, the cries. I loved everything. We had something you only ever see in the movies. So I hope that God grants you to be loved by someone truly meant for you.

Not having you here to hold my hand when I'm nervous, kiss my forehead when I think I'm lost, smile like an idiot when I sing (because we know I suck), hold me tight when I feel like everything's falling apart, and to cheer me on when I am doing anything. That was a big change, I wasn't ready to have to learn to live with. Change isn't something anyone likes. Most fear it, but in the end, it's unavoidable. You either have to accept it and figure out how to continue. Or, you get left behind and lost in the dark.  For me, I was lost at first. But here I am. Months later and am just figuring things out. It hurts. It hurts to grow, and regain your sanity after a change like this. Anyone who says different is lying. Because, at a certain point, you have to make a choice. Do you want to grow stronger, or let yourself fall to pieces?

After I lost you, I immediately built up my walls and set new boundaries with everyone in my life, because I was unsure and scared. Boundaries and walls don't always keep people out. Sometimes they fence you in. I've always known that life is messy and unpredictable. You can't waste your time putting up walls, and trying to push others out. You have to chose if you want to stay lost and alone. Or if you want to replant yourself and grow strong. It took me a while to figure that out.

You were my first love, so I am never going to forget you. I am always going to love the color of your eyes, I'll always search for someone with a contagious laugh, like you. I know for a fact that I will never be over you, a part of me will always love you. I may forget about the little things slowly, over time. But you will forever have a piece of my heart. There will be nights when all the regret and pain comes rushing back. But I will learn how to handle, and deal with it. I am going to miss you, and everything we were with all my heart. But I am going to be okay, everyone always is. My biggest mistake was not falling in love with you. It was thinking you'd catch me.

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