My Letter to Thomas

This is a letter I wrote to an ex-boyfriend before we got together. I like writing letters to people. I write lots of them and they seem to help me sort out how I'm feeling. I change names to protect identity.

March 11th 2017

Dear Thomas,

I know what I want to say to you but I know I can’t say it to you because it’ll ruin where we have gotten to. So, this is all I’ve ever wanted to say to you but couldn’t.

I hate that you don’t acknowledge that we had a thing and that you liked me as much as I liked you, as everyone noticed that we felt something for each other. I hate that you play mind games and never tell me what’s going on. I hate that you wink at me and do things to get my attention because all you are doing is raising my hopes when I know deep down that it’s just going to continue in a loop.

It feels like I’ve gotten a car stuck in a ditch, and I’m stepping on the gas as hard as I can but I just get stuck and continue slipping. The wheels keep turning but I’m going nowhere. I hate that a few months back after Christmas, you would smile at me and I would smile back but as soon as you weren’t looking my eyes would start stinging and flooding with tears because you hurt me so deeply by keeping me in the dark constantly with our relationship to each other and yet you didn’t know you hurt me because I played everything off with poise and did my best to control what emotions I let you see.

It took me nearly a whole day to reply to your knife-like text. I know you felt the same as I did, yet you pulled away. I understand you have a lot to think about, but the least you could have done… it isn’t the least you could have done, it’s what you owed me. You owed me the truth to what was going on. You said nearly nothing to me for a week and made me feel like I had done something, that I had screwed up my chances with you or that you hated me when really you were just getting cold feet, from the way I see it. I wanted to text you or ask you why you had stopped talking to me because I just didn’t understand what or why it happened. But I couldn’t, we went from talking to each other so much and being in each other’s presents all the time to have what felt like an invisible iron curtain between us. You were so close yet so far away from me. You could be just one seat over from me, but we might as well have been on different planets because I felt so isolated from you. I didn’t understand what I had done for this to happen. I felt that this had happened because of something I had done, but I just couldn’t figure out what. I kept thinking and torturing myself with the questions: “What have I done? What have I done? What do I do now? How on earth am I supposed to fix this? Will he ever talk to me again? Does he hate me? What if he does hate me?” Now I understand that there really wasn’t anything I could do to fix this because I had done everything in my power that I could have to fix this very sticky situation.

I would have understood if you just came up to me and talked to about it. If you would have sat me down and said, “Listen, I thought I was ready, but I’m not. I like you but I can’t do this,” I would have understood, sure it would have hurt but it wouldn’t have hurt as much as it does now because you didn’t tell me.

I hate that I would get ready to go home extra slow so I maybe would have the shot of walking out with you like we used to. You used to stand at my locker and tell me to hurry up as you lean against my locker and wait for me with a funny little smile and then I would say “I’m going, I’m going, I’m going…” as I struggle to fling my backpack over my shoulders. But instead, you walked passed my locker, not even saying goodbye or even having the decency to look at me, acknowledging me that I was a person who cared deeply, still cares about you. I hate that every time I feel the need to write, it’s only to try and release some frustration so I don’t snap on anyone or on you suddenly. If I did end up snapping on you, I don’t think I could ever face you again. Because you wouldn’t know why I was mad and I think that would have made me even more frustrated. But then that would be partly my fault because I didn’t want you to know that you hurt me. I think I somehow convinced myself that if you knew, you wouldn’t care or you would reject the fact that you were responsible for the way I felt.

And lastly, I hate the fact that no matter what you do, I still care very much for you. Sometimes I hate it. It makes me feel like I’m weak. No matter what you do, no matter how upset I get, it’s never enough to make me wave the white flag and say, “I don’t care about you anymore. You’ve gone too far and I am finished with this.” It’s ridiculous but if I just stopped caring, stopped feeling, it would be the “be all, end all” solution and I would stop hurting but I just couldn’t get myself to do it, you had me stuck.

I want to stop caring but I can’t. In writer’s craft, I stop myself from turning around because I feel that’s what you want, either that or you couldn’t give a flying fuck about me. When you do something obnoxious in 4th period and I seem to not be looking or paying attention, trust me… I know what you’re doing, I can see it in my peripheral but I choose not to look at you because I feel that’s what you want. And I felt that if I did turn around, again, I would be losing apart of myself and losing my pride.

I hate that when I feel crappy and I don’t feel well that it’s you and only you I want to make me feel better, it’s you that I want to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I know that you’ve told me I can come to you about anything and you’ll be there but I feel like I can’t because you won’t care even though apparently, you do. I mean why else would you let me cry and crumble as you try to comfort me over stress? I know you care and you feel for me on a certain level but it’s not enough because our relationship lacks one very important thing. Honesty. Sadly, this is the only time I can be completely honest with you about how I feel.

How do I feel about you? I feel angry towards you because you aren’t being honest. I feel frustrated towards you because I never know where I stand with you. I feel hurt that you can’t tell me what is going on. But what hurts the most is even though you make me feel all those negative things, I also feel the good things. I feel happy when you look my way and say hello, I feel lucky when I get a hug from you, I feel joyous when you make me laugh by doing something quirky. I love when you do little things to make me laugh like “whipping’ hello instead of waving. I love the fact that we used to notice when we are absent from school and make sure that we are both caught up on homework. I love how we used to get on the most random topics or when something not so good happens we turn it into a joke like when I by mistake drank soapy dishwater because a cup hadn't been rinsed properly, we treated it like it was a fine wine and then when I added on, you replied “I’m not a weirdo like you.”

I miss what we had in December before things started to change. That friendship or relationship, whatever it was. I miss what it was. If you only want to be close friends, I’m completely fine with that, but you must treat me as only a close friend and nothing more. If you want more than that, I’m also fine with that, but you must be clear about it, because for me, doubt is one of the worst feelings in the world and I doubted all the time if you even cared if I was around. The problem with you is that you aren’t honest with yourself from what I can see, so how can you be honest with others when you cannot even be honest with yourself? That’s what I don’t understand about you. I was so hurt when you told me what you had “decided” because I knew you weren’t telling the truth. I was in the middle of talking to Ben over face time and then your text came through and I started crying at my desk on camera because I had my heart broken. I told Ben I had to go and that I would explain later. I sat there for a while, looking around my room and trying to understand everything. Then I stopped crying when realized that you weren’t telling the truth so why should I be crying over something that isn’t true?

I don’t understand how I had seemed (or I thought) to get over you but ended up caring for you even more than I did to begin with. It seems all backwards to me but I guess that’s just the way it goes sometimes, not much I can do to control it. I hate the fact that right now I can’t tell you any of this because it’ll ruin our friendship, or what is left of it. My hope is in the future, whether it be a month from now or when we are in university, that we make an effort to stay in touch, that you’ll understand how I felt and why I decided to hide it when everything started to crumble. My hope is that we will be able to stay great friends. That’s all I ever wanted, even if maybe we are not cut out for a romantic relationship, all I want is a friendship that is 100 percent honest. I need honesty from you. And it wasn’t until this situation had risen that I had realized how important honesty is in a relationship of any sorts. I hope you learn this soon. I think that’s all I can say now but here are my parting words.

Know that you will always have a place in my heart. Know that people love and care about you, know that I do as well. Know that the truth will set you free and know that games don’t get you anywhere, they just cause heart ache for both sides.

Love always,

Margaret