My Letter to You...

To my past self: Everything you thought was going to break you, every moment you thought you couldn't go on... It will pass. You will find a way to fight through it. In the moment, it seems impossible to move on. It seems like it is the end of the world. That is because, as children, we do not know how to move past the pain. But you will get through it. You will learn, grow, experience. You are strong. You can accomplish ANYTHING you put your mind to! I promise you, it will get easier. But it will also get harder. You have challenges ahead that will test your strength, loyalty, faith, and beliefs. It will test friendships, relationships with family, and everything have ever learned. You will face things...painful things. The unimaginable. But you can do it! Stay strong. "This too shall pass".

To the boy who broke me: Thank you! I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I thank you for everything you did to me. From the lies and cheating to the mental abuse and stalking. Because of you, yes I got hurt. But I also grew. I learned. I realized. I became stronger. Now I know what I am worth. I realized that I deserve better and should never SETTLE for what I THINK I deserve. A relationship with you taught me that the repetitive "bad boy" cycle just wasn't for me anymore. I learned that no matter how hard I tried, I cannot change someone else. I learned that waiting for the right one really does pay off and with a little time and effort, good things will come. I realized that, in time, I will find someone who actually deserved and appreciates my efforts. You were a lesson that , luckily, I actually learned and grew from! And for that, I thank you.

To my ex-best friend: At one point in time, I hated you...I hated everything you did to me. But at the time I envied you, I was jealous that you had such a good life, the life I should have had...or thought I should have had. I was angry because you had everything I ever wanted. I couldn't handle the fact that you lied, cheated, manipulated, and took everything important to me and got away with it. I was angry that someone could do something so hurtful and still be rewarded for it. I hoped that you would suffer for the things you did. The lies, the backstabbing, the bullying, the bullshit drama you caused. But now... I pity you. I feel bad that you NEED to start drama, bully people, make up lies, and rumors, and hurt everyone around you just to feel good about yourself. I pity the group of friends you have because they are all JUST LIKE YOU! It is sad that in order to feel happiness, you need to bring others down. I feel bad that one day all of it is going to come back to you. It saddens me that you will most likely end up alone because you spent all your time and energy burning every bridge you had. Although, I appreciate you teaching what NOT to do, as well as what friendships SHOULD NOT be like. I will pray for you, that light will be shed and you will learn how to fix your mistakes.

To my present self: First, let me start by saying, I am beyond proud of you! If no one else is... I AM!! In the last seven months alone, I have seen more strength and growth in you than ever before in your 23 years of life. I know life isn't the best. Not even close actually. But this isn't the end, this is just a mountain in your path. I know you have experienced pain. I also know that, like everything else, this will pass and you will get past it. You have spent most of your life believing that everything happens for a reason, so this, just like everything else, MUST have a reason. It only makes sense. We may not understand it now, but in time we will become aware. I want to encourage you to keep moving, keep growing, keep learning, and continue to remain strong. Continue being the best daughter, mom, fiancé, aunt, and friend. People rely on you and would be devastated and entirely lost without you. You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy. Addison would have wanted you to be happy! Stop and take time for yourself. You can only help others, if you, yourself, are okay. One can only be so strong, for so long. Remember, it is okay NOT to be okay!

To the man I love: You are everything I had hoped for when I was a little girl. But totally different from who I have dated before. With you, my "type" totally changed. You are nothing like the others. Now our relationship is not perfect. It is not the definition of "fairy tale" but it is pretty damn close. Finding the words to express my gratitude, seems almost impossible. Thank you just doesn't cover it. You came into my life at the WORST time, but we made it work. You swept me off my feet, and showed me what a real relationship should be: the ups, the downs, the complications, the challenges faced together, the successes, the teamwork... ALL OF IT. You stepped into the daddy role that Greyson needed and loved him as your own from day one. You respected me and acknowledged my efforts to be a single mom working my ass off to support my own. You realized that I wasn't only taking care of myself, but my child and mother too. You taught me close to everything I know about being an adult and a parent, for that I am forever grateful. You have helped me through some of the roughest times of my life and never for a second even thought of leaving. You steered me away from falling into past habits and old ways. You controlled my depression and anxiety. In the beginning it seemed almost to perfect to be true, I thought you were a god sent angel and questioned it for quite a while. But it turned out to be exactly what I hoped, a TRUE and REAL relationship. We have watched each other grow as people and our love has grown stronger through it all. You restored my faith in men, in love, in relationships. You helped me face my fears and admit my flaws. You rebuilt me, not into the woman YOU wanted me to be but the woman I always was, just needed to find. We learn and teach each other on a daily basis. We help each other grow. Thank you isn't enough, by far. But maybe after reading this you will understand the appreciation I have for you.

To my best friend: Thank you doesn't begin to cover it. I can't explain to you how grateful I am for all that you have done in the short amount of time we have been "best friends". From estranged acquaintances in an online friendship that turned into a FAMILY in real life, it was meant for us to become friends. You are an extraordinary soul, unique, wonderful and amazing, inside and out. I have a hard time trusting females with the track record of "best friends" that I have. But with you, it came naturally. It was so easy to let you in, you allow you to be apart of my life as well as my kids. You and I relate on so many levels and it just feels right to call you my best friend.. I wouldn't have it any other way. You are the sister I always wanted but never had. I appreciate you acknowledging my children and never forgetting that where I go, they go. It also means the world to me that you never forget to invite and include them too, that is hard to come by nowadays in "friendships". I appreciate you wanting to be apart of my life for reasons besides your personal gain I appreciate your constant efforts to help me and always willing to give the shirt off your own back to help me or my family. Your efforts do not go unnoticed, please never forget that. Thank you for making me apart of your family from the beginning, I felt welcomed and appreciated from the start. I can only hope that our friendship continues and grows bigger for many years to come. I hope you know how much I love you, how much WE love you and we appreciate everything you do and everything you are!

To my future self: PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Being a selfless individual is very rewarding but not if you burn yourself out completely to the point of not having anything left. Taking time to worry about yourself is not selfish. You cannot love someone else until you learn to love yourself. With that being said, a part of loving yourself is making sure you are okay both physically and mentally. I believe in you. In everything you plan to do, in any ideas you have, in anything you want to accomplish. I believe in you! Set your mind to it and go for it! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. The things that have happened to you are not consequences; they are tests and challenges. They were not punishment, I know in that time they felt as though they were but they were hills put there to make you stronger. Never give up, keep moving forward. Better yourself every day and never fail to do right by those you love. I look forward to seeing the person you become. I expect great things from you and I know that you will not disappoint. Good luck!

To the man I spend the rest of my life with: I will start by saying I love you. And I will apologize for the simple fact that I cannot promise you a fancy house, nice cars, or lots of money. I will tell you that I am a handful, I am often overdramatic, and freak over nothing. I am bitchy and never like admitting that I am wrong. But I can promise to love you unconditionally and support you fully through whatever choices you make for our family until the day we die. I can promise you true loyalty, trust, and realness. I can only hope that you will accept my children, learn of my past but not judge me for it, and help me better myself for the future. My heart tells me that you are the same man I have loved all these years, but I cannot see the future so I cannot be sure. I can only hope that our love is true and strong. The love that makes you weak. The love that brings out the inner soul of a person. But also tests our patience, faithfulness, and understanding. I promise to always love you and always make you feel appreciated for your efforts. I look forward to seeing the man you are and become!

To my future best friend: I wish nothing but satisfying days, wild nights, and incredible memories for us as friends. I hope you also appreciate the real meaning of friendship and don't mind getting in trouble from time to time. I can only imagine the times we will have and the memories we will create. The arguments we will get into and the makeups we will have. I hope for nights full of wine, hiding from our kids, and nonstop chick flicks. I will thank you in advance for listening to my bullshit and never-ending complaining. I will warn you BUT also thank you for being there at 2 AM when I text you about something that is rubbing me the wrong way. I look forward to our future. I look forward to meeting you OR being reunited with you, whichever the case may be.