My Love Story (Part 1)

When I was a sophomore in high school in my biology class, I had a lab partner, let’s call him “J”. J was new to my school and he was really quiet. He never talked to anyone that I knew. I tried to get to know him and he told me about the school that he came from. After we had changed lab partners, I never spoke to him again. We had classes and we never got placed next to each other in other classes. I never made direct contact with him again. Junior year we had algebra class together but I sat in the back and he was in the front. I remember wanting to talk to him again, but I was too scared for some reason.

Senior year. Throughout the whole time I was in high school, senior year was the time when I developed the most confidence in myself. I was losing weight, I was getting fit at the gym twice a day, had a good group of friends, and I was talking to a guy who was much older than I was. Yeah, I felt like everything was great. Towards the end of my senior year, I was placed to take a class to prepare students for careers. The class had a lot of freshmen and a few seniors that I didn’t talk to. I sat by myself until J walked into the class. He asked if I could sit next to him and I said that he could. Spoiler alert: BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!

Prom came around. At that time he and his girlfriend had just broken up. Then he became my boyfriend not too long after that. Red flag. Then we had a blast at Prom.

After we had graduated high school, we spent the whole summer together. During the summer, my mom and I had to live with my sister in her small apartment. I didn’t like being there and J came to visit me every single day after he got off from work. We would go out to eat and walk around the park. I can still smell the nostalgia of the summer air. It was perfect! He would walk to my sister’s house in the heat because he was determined to spend time with me. Then we began to say the most serious words: “I love you” to each other. We were getting serious.

We went to the same community college and things began to change and I was very accepting of it. In high school, he was bit of a loner and at college, he met a group of friends who worked at the same place as J did. J’s best friend got J to be a part of this group. For me, in high school, I had a whole bunch of friends. In college, I had a couple that were questionable. We pretty much switched social roles and that caused our relationship to slowly crumble as the months went by. J had a hard time balancing his friends and his girlfriend. J kept his social life and his romantic life completely separate. And every time I put myself around his friends, I felt uncomfortable because they never tried to get to know me. I was vocal about this to J, but he brushed it off by saying “You have to be around more for them to talk to you.” He never invited me to a lot of things. He would come to my apartment after our classes and he would spend a couple of hours there. When he was ready to leave he would have his friends pick him up so they would go to the gym... Or whatever it was they were doing. I wasn’t too worried about it.

Being in the relationship for six months, I noticed changes in J. He became panicky when he danced with a girl who was his friend at a party that I didn’t go to. His friends would look at girls and he claims that he would say that he only had eyes for me. In the past, he has told me that he was battling depression and I thought it wasn’t foreign to me because I suffered from anxiety. I felt as if he went into a depressive state to where he started blaming me for him doing badly in school and not spending time with his family. I felt like he was accusing me of demanding him to spend time with me, when I wasn’t. He always made the choice to come over my place to hang out. He felt that we needed to limit our time together. Every time I would be around him, I felt something was always off about J. I would ask what’s the matter and he would say, “You’re self-absorbed in thinking that’s always about you. When can it be about me for a change?” I felt that his depression had kicked in and I did everything that I could to show my support for him. I would send him nice text messages or try to take him out and he never seemed to appreciate any of it. I was hurting because he was hurting and I always made sure that he knew that I was there for him no matter what. He would always say, “I don’t deserve to be with you.” And I didn’t understand what he meant because why wouldn’t he be? And he would never give me an answer.

Fast forward to ten months of our relationship—it was running dry. After my class he was waiting outside waiting for me to get out. We walked into a hallway where nobody was. He told me that he never loved me and that he was too young to be in a relationship. He was looking at other girls and felt like he was going to cheat on me. He couldn’t continue our relationship. I was deeply hurt because I really did love him. I walked away and I caught the bus with mascara running down my face—looking like a crazy person. I was so heartbroken. He texted me long messages about how sorry he was. I didn’t respond. I cried myself to sleep and would wake up crying. Then crying throughout the whole day. He texts again. I didn’t respond. My mom advised me to not answer his calls if he calls. Three days later, he calls … what do I do… I answered it. (like an idiot.)

He begged me for another chance, saying how sorry he was. He said that he was at work and he couldn’t breathe because he didn’t mean what he had said. What did I do? I took him back. Fast forward three months down the road—he does the same thing! He didn’t want to respect my wishes by not hanging out with the girl he danced with at a party (let’s call her “T”) and her sister (let’s call her “I”). Previously, I was hanging out with my guy friend Sloan a couple times by myself and he told me that it made him uncomfortable for me to be with a guy alone. What I did was I made sure that I had another friend of mine was there when Sloan and I were hanging out. In this case, I didn’t trust “T” because I felt that he had feelings for J. And I told him about it and he didn’t care. He hung out with them anyways, regardless about how I felt.

The next day I talked to J on the phone about it and I said, “If you cannot respect my wishes then we shouldn’t be together.” And then he said, “You know what?! You’re right, I’m done.”

I was shocked that he wasn’t willing to fight for our relationship and how he gave it up so easily. I was heartbroken again, but this time it was 10x worse. I knew that I should’ve never given him a second chance. I was depressed and I would cry myself to sleep and wake up crying yet again.

Three weeks later, I call him. He answers. And I ask if we’re really done and he said yes and said we could be friends. I agreed. A day before he went on a road trip to New York, he came to spend time with me. Earlier, like at one o’clock in the morning, waaay before I hung out with J, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding a little. I put a pad on and went to bed. When I had woke up to change my pad, there was no period. After I hung out with J, I immediately ran to CVS down the street and got a pregnancy test.

It was positive.