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My Love Story (Part 2)

You have to read the first part in order to understand this section!

By Ameenah M.Published 6 years ago 8 min read
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When I found out that I was pregnant, I was 19-years-old, attending my first year at community college and working at a daycare as a teacher’s aide. I was nowhere close to where I wanted to be in life. I was still in love with my ex. I was terrified and I had no idea what to expect. When my ex and I were trying to be friends, he opened up about how he never had feelings for me. Then all of these thoughts started popping up in my head. He strung me along in a relationship he didn't want to be in. All of those times that he had said that he ever loved me was a complete lie. Why did he beg me for another chance and made me believe that he didn't mean what he had said, if he really didn't want to be with me? More than anything, I was pissed off and said some really ugly and mean things to him.

I decided that I wanted to get an abortion.

When I told my ex that I was going to get an abortion, he tells me that he already told his parents and his two sisters. FUCK! Then he told them about my decision and they were upset and they wanted to talk to me about it. I went to their house to hear them out and they didn't want me to get an abortion. They offered to be there to support me throughout my pregnancy and after I gave birth. They volunteered to babysit as I would work and go to school. They said that they would do anything to help me when it came to the baby. It sounded great and I felt stuck in the middle of my decision. So I decided to keep the pregnancy and see how everything went.

When I got my first ultrasound at 10 weeks, my ex, his parents, and two sisters along with my mom all took a trip to there to see the little one growing inside me. I felt like I had a lot of support and it was exciting. As I saw the little one; the body was almost developed, the legs and arms were flapping around—it was incredible! I started to cry because I was going to get this little one vacuumed out of me and I felt like a terrible person to want to do something like that. No one asked or saw me weep, everyone was so focused on the screens and watching the little flap around.

After my ultrasound visit, my ex wanted me to come to his house. He seemed clingy and wanted me around. So I went and I pretty much moved in. I would go home on the weekends to spend time with my mom as my ex would work. My ex seemed like we were back together because everything was going great, but over time I felt like my presence was unwanted. As we would go to school together as soon as we hit the building he would walk faster than I would. It was like I didn't exist or mattered. I was sad from time to time, but I would shake it off.

When I was 7 months pregnant, I decided to leave his house after he had told me that he gave advice to his friend about faking to be with someone. That was my cue to leave because I knew that's what he was doing to me. I was hurt because I had to face reality. And being pregnant didn't make it any better. One morning I woke up crying because I had a dream that my ex was at our school with a girl with black hair and they were holding hands as they walked poast me. As I thought about the dream, I asked myself, why would I have a dream like that? Was I worried? Was I afraid of him moving on? I thought to myself on who that could be and I thought about the girls who were involved in his group of friends. (The girl from the previous entry "T" and "I") I thought about them and thought that my ex was probably talking to "T's" sister, "I."

After a week I had left his house, I was alone. I started going to midwife visits alone and my midwife would always ask where my ex was. And I would have to come up with some lie. In the middle of the night I was crying because of the pain I felt every time I had to get up to go pee. My tailbone was bending every time I would get out of my bed because my body was preparing itself for labor. I would go shopping for the baby and put the crib together and tried to get ready by myself. It was a horrible feeling because I felt like I shouldn't be doing this alone. I tried to feel beautiful, I'd do my hair and wear nice pregnancy clothes, but it wouldn't mask how I felt about myself on the inside. My classmates would tell me how nice I looked and I didn't want to hear it from them. I wanted my ex to say that.

One day he gave me a ride to school. He tells me about his crazy fun night that he had with his co-workers. They all got high and his co-worker freaked out because it's been awhile since he smoked. He said it was the best time of his life. I felt left out... maybe it was my hormones, but I couldn't help to not feel that way. A couple days later, after he had told me about the incident, we were in his car about to go to the store to pick up a cooked chicken. On the way there, he told me that he felt guilty and I asked why. As we were sitting in the parking lot me tells me that he's with someone in terms of being in a relationship. And I asked who it was, then he said it was "I"

My dream was a sign and I was right!

I thought it through and I tried to run out of his car. He holds me back preventing me from leaving and I'm punching him to get off of me. I waddled out of his car and I found the nearest Target. He was following me and asking me to come back to talk to him. I was crying and I wanted him to stay away from me, he didn't listen. I was seriously tempted to scream that this guy was harassing me, but I didn't. I asked my mom if she could pick me up from Target and she did.

Ever since then, I started having emotional breakdowns. I started becoming very mean, harsh, and frustrated easily to where my family didn't want to be around me. They kept their distance because they knew I was having a hard time when it came to my ex. I started becoming suicidal and feeling like I cannot be a mother because I was too hurt. I started thinking about adoption, but I was heading towards the end of my pregnancy and there was no way that I could just give my daughter away.

My ex calls and tells me that he was ready to move on because he forced himself to be with me again. He hated being around me. He really wanted nothing to do with me, but dealt with me because I was carrying his child. Either way, his words pierced me deeply and I felt broken. A couple weeks down the road, we ended up talking again because he broke things off with "I". We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years together. We tried picking out names together and we couldn't agree on anything. We were always off balance when it came to working together. But one night, he stayed over my apartment the day before I went to the hospital because I was experiencing contractions.

The next day, I felt weird and dizzy. I thought it was because I was hungry so I made some mac and cheese, but there wasn't any salt or pepper. I decided to put steak seasonings on the mac and cheese and it wasn't that great, but I ate it anyways. An hour later, I was still feeling dizzy and haven't felt my daughter move at all. I got scared and told my mom and she said that she's going to take me to CVS to check my blood pressure. My blood pressure was normal, but I went to the hospital anyway because my baby wasn't moving still.

I checked into the hospital and told the midwives that I was feeling dizzy and couldn't feel the baby move. They hooked me onto the monitors to check my blood pressure and it was extremely high all of a sudden. The midwife said that they're going to have to induce me because I was borderline preeclampsia. They gave me a pill that they had to insert inside of my cervix to induce me, but they said that it may not work so later on they'll have to give me Pitocin. I ate a sandwich and that made my contractions start and I was going into full labor as the night turned into day.

As my family was there trying to comfort me while I was in pain, every time I'd open my eyes, my ex was on his phone. Sometimes he would rub my back and then his mind goes somewhere else. He didn't say anything to comfort me. I was disappointed in him.

Then I gave birth to a healthy 5-pound baby girl.

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About the Creator

Ameenah M.

A mother. A student. And a complete badass!

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