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My Mind Is Racing

Candid & Confused

By Denise RowePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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A small wave of anxiety has hit me today and I am trying my best to work through it, my mind is going a million miles a minute.

Most times the feeling is unexpected, a tsunami of emotion that I have no way of stopping…it must run its course. I always ask myself, what triggered it this time? How long is this on going to last? I never have an answer to those questions.

Such a debilitating feeling, it’s impossible to get anything done. Being physically present but mentally, I’m miles away. Definitely not the vacation that I wanted or asked for.

Questions; too many of them, this particular instance, one question stood out…

The notion of "What are we?", popped up in my head today. The question of "Should I ask him? Or should I just let things continue at its current pace?" As you can tell, I am a bit conflicted.

I am the type that needs...craves, words of affirmation. I need to hear the words, it comforts me knowing confirmed information.

I need communication, I enjoy the back-and-forth dialogue. Sometimes, I am content with just listening. Most times people just want to heard, especially men. I think this is because they are not expected to share their feelings or emotions so one way to achieve this is to talk and have someone listen with minimal response.

So what has been on my mind? He has been on my mind. Him and where our relationship is going. No need to waste each other's time if we are working towards building something great and helping each other be better individuals.

He's been sweet, could improve on his communication skills though, I always feel like he is hiding his best self from me.

I think that I have been rather open with him, maybe a little too open with him. I have been told from different individuals that "You need to protect your heart"...I totally get that but sometimes you can't help but feel that comfortable and want to share everything with your significant other.

How do I remedy this? How do I get the answer to my question without feeling like I'm putting pressure on a good situation?

Have you ever asked yourself, “Am I good enough?”, and ever received an answer? I have asked myself that question many times, unfortunately. I have yet to find that answer.

BTW...Google was not helpful in this area lol.

Being alone with my thoughts has been a good and bad thing. Good, because self-reflection helps me grow as an individual and helps me fix imperfections that I may have. Bad, because over-analyzing the many questions that I have never ends well, sadness ensues and I tend to put myself in a funk that I have to dig my way out of again.

I think I will need to meditate in order to get this out of my mind. I like him. He has said that he liked me. And I believe we do have a good thing going at the moment.

Every day I work on not be the self-destructive person that I used to be in my past relationships, breaking those habits are difficult but the end result is rewarding.

Growth is always the goal.

This "relationship," I think it's fair to call it a relationship, has truly tested me, my tolerance levels, forced me to self-reflect, and made me more vocal in the things that I want and need.

I don't know if he is my forever or short season preparing me for my forever person, what I do know is that I like him and the time that we spend together.

That's all for now...

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