My Monsters

I never pressed send on so many of your messages after we ended it.

There’s a list in my drafts of everything I take back and the simple things I left unsaid or how I’ve been.

Wouldn’t you like to know what the silence has gone to show?

Open letters of my past for my past:

To A.B.

From RK

I think you should know that I’ve always felt bad about us. I fell in love with you the first time I ever saw you but all of our little dates, no texting, and only getting in touch when you were in town made me unsure of what we really were. I’m telling you in case maybe you had felt the same way—I think I’ll always have a bit of longing in my heart for what could have been. I’ll always wonder.

To A.S.

From RK

I just want to say that what you did was uncool. Whether you ever realized it or not, you were a jerk to me. I was so into you, you actually broke my heart. I should have never given you my time. Oh, and by the way, while you were off showing my nudes to everyone and probably doing the same to 5 other girls, I was hooking up with your brother. Joke's on you.

To D.C.

From RK

You’re a really cool guy; I’m sorry I was distant and wouldn’t really give you my time. We fell off without a good reason and I shouldn’t have just left you hanging. I wanted you to know I’m sorry about that.

To A.B.

From RK

I was really into you; why did you stand me up on that date to the movies? You were mean and nice and rude and apologetic all at the same times and it was so confusing and frustrating. Why did you put me through that?

To C.B.

From RK

I’m sorry. I know it probably doesn’t mean much but you should know that I am. I never really gave you any real chances and that wasn’t fair of me. I had my guard so high I didn’t want to let anyone new in at the time. I shouldn’t have wasted your time like that.

To H.P.

From RK

You were so into me, and it was just kind of fun for me, which wasn’t fair. I blew you off when you needed me and I never heard from you again; you deserve more than my apology. But I’m happy for you. The girl you have now, she’s a real keeper. I am truly happy for you.

To M.D.

From RK

You’re an ass. I wasn’t into you, I didn’t even like you as a person, hell, we barely even knew each other, but when you came over for a party my brother threw and saw me there drunk, your low-life self had the balls to take advantage of me. You may deny it for the rest of your days, but you raped me. This is the first time I’ve said it out loud, I’ve been so scared of the truth, but you took my virginity without my will. You’re absolute trash.

To T.A.S.

From RK

You never said it, but I bet I broke your heart. I’m sorry. I didn’t deserve you and that’s the real reason I ended things. You were too good for me; I couldn’t stay. That doesn’t make sense, I know, but it’s the truth. I wanted to be with you because I thought I needed such a good person in my life. I tried to love you for the wrong reasons and ended it too quickly in the wrong way. I am so sorry for wasting your time.

To N.H.

From RK

It had nothing to do with you when I ended things between us. I was in a bad place at the time and while you were so sweet to me and cared about me so much, I felt nothing. I didn’t cling to you as a rebound but it started to feel like that’s what it was. I don’t remember how it ended, but I bet I didn’t tell you this. I was a jerk.

To T.V.

From RK

Not going to lie, when I met you for the first time, like actually met you, I was super shocked at how much taller I was. And despite you being as hot and amazing as you were, I don’t think I ever really looked past that. It’s a stupid excuse, but I’m glad we were able to stay friends for bit. You are a treasure.

To M.W.

From RK

You turned out to be nothing like the guy I thought you were. What happened? You were everything I wanted in a guy until I slowly parted from you, then you became the biggest ass. You sent me threats and were mentally abusive. You tried to blame me for you problems with your family, your drugs and your suicide attempts. I wasn’t the cause of your issues but you made me believe I was. I deserved better, but I was too young.

To E.S.

From RK

We were perfect and I honestly thought it would never end, but I think everything happened for a reason. It was great learning and growing experience for us and I’m glad we are still such close friends. You’re the longest person to stay in my life so that in itself means a lot that we didn’t stay, crashed and burned. There’s nothing I didn’t say to you, I poured my heart out so many times through the good and bad but for my peace I’m including the things you know. I have a screenshot from a text you sent saying I was the best thing that ever happened to you and then almost exactly a month later, it was all over, with one text. But I still let you back in months later when you changed your mind again. So much of who I am today is because of our relationship. As much as it sucked at the time, thank you, because I love who I became.

To N.D.

From RK

I should have never been involved and invested in you. Not because you were a bad person or anything but because we shouldn’t have gotten close in the first place. We are 8 years apart and worked together. But you were such a good, kind soul it was hard to not get close to you. That age gap is what ruined it for the best. I was just a kid still even if I was mature enough for you. I cut you off to protect you from my parents finding out more than they should. We never talked again, out of nowhere, but I promise I only did it to save you.

To C.G.

From RK

I don’t know your past and you don’t know mine. You always put on this act, that you couldn’t love or be loved and that you didn’t hurt. But I think you did love me yet you wouldn’t let me get too close. But it wasn’t fair of me to cut you out after one night together. We both were so fucked up and no one really knows what happened, and that wasn’t an excuse to never talk to you again, but that night scared me so I ran. But you were truly good and I want to see you happy; I still care about you. Lower your guard a bit, let someone in please. You deserve that.

To A.K.

From RK

You are a horrible person. You’re a compulsive liar, a narcissist and a cheater. I didn’t like you, I don’t know what you thought I wanted. You offered me a job at your shop and it paid so well, I was there to work and make money, not be sexually pressured by you. You scared me. You left your pregnant girlfriend for me and I never wanted to be with you like that. You tried to rape me and you know it. You had come to your home to pick up my money and you forced me into your room and ripped my bra and you were so close and I was so weak but your girlfriend walked in and saved me. You’re a perv and should be in jail for it.

To A.R.III

From RK

I never said anything and I never stopped you and I never knew why I didn’t have the courage to. I came to you as your coworker for a trainer and your “stretches” and “massages” you claimed you help with soreness was your way of getting your hands closer and closer into my pants. You’re a perv too, I should have found a voice to stop you and call you out for what it was, but it’s an insecure thing to address for a girl, and you knew I was tense and uncomfortable, but you didn’t give a shit. Screw you. I hate being a nice person sometimes, it’s always made me weak.

To I.J.

From RK

I don’t understand why people cheat; what good did it do you to cheat? Not on me, but on the girlfriend you had while we were going on dates. You’re a tool, I’ll never understand you. You played me to look like a homewrecker to everyone even though I never knew about your girlfriend or the other girls you were also “with.” I let myself fall for you and you put on such a great show, trying to act like you fell for me hard too. I didn’t deserve that.

To D.O.

From RK

I shouldn’t have ever turned you away from me; your sweet pleas to take me on proper dates, I wonder what would have been different in our lives if I had just gone out with you. We never got the timing right, when I was finally ready, you had moved on and that relationship ruined you, made you someone different and as a friend from the outside looking in, she was toxic for you. I always wonder if I could have prevented that for you.

To I.Z.R.

From RK

I’m sorry that I wasted your time. You wanted something serious and I didn’t, but kind of went along with your wants just to see where it’d take us. I wanted to make it work for all the wrong reasons. You’re so hot but we just aren’t compatible people, we’re nothing alike. I’m sorry I wasted your time just so I could have arm candy, it was incredibly selfish.

To L.D.

From RK

Why couldn’t you let me be happy? God, that’s all I wanted, and all you wanted someone to keep you company, teach you things about sex and have to show off. I think in the beginning you really did like and care for me. But as you got older you became the biggest douche. You can’t buy people’s love, you won’t end up happy like that. I wish you realized it’s not about having the hottest girl, I wish you’d find someone that doesn't need your money to stay with you. You’re constantly taken advantage of and I was the one of the few who didn’t want anything from you, and you didn’t appreciate me for what it was.

To K.E.

From RK

We were both young and dumb, it was never going to last. But the truth is, I lied about some stuff to my parents trying to save my own skin from our secret camping trip and in the end, it cost my chances of seeing you again. I don’t remember the excuses I fed you about why I was ending it but this is the real reason behind our one date night romance to nothing.