My Non-Happy Ever Afters With My Exes

I have chosen to present myself as a Mrs, even though I am single and have never been married in my life. Since I was a teenager I have forever been a die hard fan of romance and true love, but by living in this reality, I have realised that things are way harder than we think they are. For me, the hardest part has been to accept myself as a woman who has no need of a man that will make her feel strong and ready to live life fearlessly (of course, if that even exists as a word). But, weirdly enough, I do prefer to be still a Mrs., my own Mrs.

In this masculine world, I choose to see myself as a strong man and have high expectations that my future husband would have to be more of a man that I am. Although by birth I am a heterosexual female, I am a strong man, and a lady, and everything else in between...

Mr. So, So Wrong

The other day, I came across a status from a page which asked their followers, "What advice would you give to the person that is now dating your ex?" and that's when it all hit me and made me realise how much I want to talk, for once, about my past.

So, let me start with the Mr. So, So Wrong! Our paths crossed one another when I was only 14 years old. I met him on social media and decided that was completely fine to talk to a stranger at such a young age. He wasn't all the way a stranger, as my best friend did know the guy and kept saying that he is the most ugly man alive (and she was right), but ignoring all the red flags we meet in person after two years of online interaction. When the moment finally came to see him, I thought that my soul escaped my body. To make things even worse he gave me my first kiss unexpectedly. I was going for a handshake, but Mr. So, So Wrong grabbed my waist and kissed me. For me, at the time, that was the most beautiful feeling in the world. I was so happy that I finally met the man (in reality he was a boy, such an irresponsible young lad that he was), who I dreamt of every night as my future husband.

He was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything, but he also turned to be my first mistake on this path of wrong relationships. We were the same age, but he would want to dominate me even in the most little things. He was a control freak and used to call me around 30 times a day, just to check up on me as he was extremely jealous. Mr. So, So Wrong just wanted to make sure that I wasn't around any other human beings, and he started to become verbally abusive and made me feel worthless. Being 16 years old and not being able to hang out with friends was devastating. Mr. So, So Wrong had nothing right about him. He had the Narcissist Syndrome and would love himself in everything he did. Such people have a pretty narrow mind and believe they can conquer the world. These kind of people believe that women are meant to stay in the kitchen and be the servant in the house without getting anything in return. I mean, isn't getting a roof over your head enough?!... This pig, which I will truly call a pig from the bottom of my heart, made me believe all of this as well. So I can say that it was extremely lucky for me to cut the chains from him.

Note to Self: You are worth it just as much as the next person, no man or woman can tell you otherwise. True love won't hurt you on purpose. He will only touch you when he would embrace you and your beautiful soul.

Mr. Lovely

It didn't take long and after all the abuse that I lived through for four years, I then met this lovely gentleman, whom I will rename Mr. Lovely. He was five years older than I was and had an absolute gorgeous, flattering attitude. At the time, I did not give him much attention or love as I was not sure who I was and where I stood in the society as a young woman. Being 18 and practically clueless of what's going on, I could say that this man saved my life, even though it took me four years to realise that.

Mr. Lovely would take care of me they way each woman should be taken care of. He would call me just for the right reasons, to hear my voice, or come all the way to my house just to see me from the window, as my parents would not let me go out and see him. He would buy me gifts, make me surprises, give me love and spoil me for everything. For him, I was always precious, even when I was wrong. Today I have become who I am thanks to Mr. Lovely, a modest guy who made my life one million times better; but sadly, he was not my perfect fit. My wounds were far too deep and far to fresh for me to love him even just for a little bit, or maybe I did not need such a safe bubble in my life. The saddest part for me is that, although he had been the prince charming in my life up to now, I remember so little of everything. I never liked the fact that he kissed me on my second date, as it felt very unusual and extremely early, but from that day onwards I was his little precious woman. Out first kiss was nothing special, and after getting off from his car, I started crying as I felt that my privacy was violated. He never respected my boundaries and this was why him and I are no longer together. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to contradict myself about this gentleman, as he is truly somebody's cup of tea, but for me, inner peace and freedom is what I’m after. Maybe, after all, being one body and soul is a thing for others and their life goal.

Note to Self: Don't get into a relationship just to make the other person feel better about themselves. You should focus on you first and ask yourself: "Do I love him?..."

Mr. Player

Going fast forward two years from my previous relationship, I met the most handsome guy in college which was way out of my league, but he was shy. I was a shy person too, but his calmness made me think that I was doing something wrong, so I would back off from every attempt to be in his world. What I failed to realise, though, was the fact that he was a player, so he will be called Mr. Player.

We all know that one guy that we should stay away from him, as he is the guy that our parents would remind us girls on a daily basis to stay away from. We used to take a few classes together and I would find the smallest excuse to sit next to him, and just get lost in his beautiful dimpled-smile. He did notice me doing this and then he asked me out on a date. I did not know why then, and I still do not know why now, I fell in love with this lying bastard.

Our dates were unique, but our kisses were made in heaven. As cliché as it sounds, the world would stop when we kissed and I would feel as light as a feather and just melt completely in his arms. My first kiss with him is completely out from a romantic scene from a movie, where the rain is soaking us both, but recklessly we walk slowly towards the bus station where he would usually take me so that I would have a safer journey. But that day was different, and he took me out for a drink and tried to kiss me two times, which I refused both times as I was so shy, but the third time he stopped me, grabbed my waist, making my unopened umbrella fall from my hands and gave me this heavenly-made kiss. Oh, wasn't he a catch! But things did go wrong when I put my friends before him. Well, this is, of course, what he said to me to excuse himself. I noticed that this girl was being very friendly to me and I thought that she wanted to get together with one of my friends, but it did turn out that this very respectful lady had an eye on my boyfriend. I experienced the most horrible heart break for the second time in years. While him and I were still dating, I see him in a distance kissing this other girl, right in front of my eyes. It was outrageous and painful to see and live. For months I skipped classes trying to avoid the new couple in town, but it seemed that it did not affect them at all, although in the end he left her for me and we dated for two more years. It was the first time I tried to do an open relationship as well. Mr. Player and I became the reflection of him, and ended up being as bad as each-other. I moved into a new country and started a new job, so our long distance made us who we were, a couple who had love for the other, but was not willing to stay back from enjoying life for so long. In the end I had to move on and call an end to the open relationship thing that we did as I was getting too jealous and it was such an unhealthy state of mind for me.

Note to Self: NEVER EVER TRY THE OPEN RELATIONSHIP THING AGAIN!... You need to settle down and experience love from one person only!

Conclusions...

So what indeed is the conclusion of all of this writing? I tried to be open about things that once mattered to me, things and people once who were so important for me that I thought that I could not live without them. Only after all these years, I realised who I am as a woman and how irrelevant things can be. Relationships for women are hard, and they only become harder when we are associated with the wrong people. In just a few years I have dated the three most cliché types of men:

• The Abusive Partner (which all women should avoid)
• The Clingy Partner (this is a damned gift)
• The Player (he is not your partner whatsoever)

We all are human, after all, and we all have wounds that nobody else but us knows about, but by simply being a female we live with this hidden fear that our partner would take away our life from us, figuratively and literally. How far should we go for ourselves, and what did our last relationship teach us? Are we happy, loved, or broken?

I have made my notes to self. What are yours?...