My Psychotic Crush

I don't know why but five years ago, I was excited to be a freshman in high school. Maybe it was because I felt like things were starting to move a bit quicker in my life. Overall, I was still in the same building with the same people I dealt with for the past almost decade. Usually every year, we would get more new kids that would join our class. Two of them I became good friends with and I still am to this day. But this story isn't about them. It's about my psychotic crush named M. M was always nice to me and my friends it seemed. We had similar interests in terms of singing; we both participated in our school's choir which I had done since the sixth grade. For the first two years of high school, I participated in the drama club, which she also did.

It's funny, when I was a freshman I was only about five feet tall. I think I grew to be five feet and two inches by the end of freshman year, while M was five feet and seven inches. She even told me herself that she was tall for a girl, something I didn't really know because I was a short, skinny kid. Now I'm five feet and nine inches and still skinny, but that's neither here nor there. M and I also ran in track together. Her and one of my other friends, T, ran with me, but they both quit after our freshman year. I only lasted one more year after them, it wasn't really for me at that point.

I thought M was an amazing girl. She was kind, cute, funny, and goofy. I didn't realize that I had feelings for her until after our freshman year. But our freshman year, she told me and another friend that she had sex with a junior. I knew the guy, he was in our Spanish I class. I didn't really know him that well, but he didn't seem like a bad person. I kept that info in the back of my head, but I never really asked her about it. She and her family actually lived in my hometown for a year, and so over the summer, we both ended up volunteering for my neighborhood's Art in the Park program. The program focused on doing arts and crafts with little kids, as well as being active with them on the playground. I preferred being on the swings with the kids rather than gluing random crap together. We continued our friendship that summer, mainly just through the program and texting.

It was the start of our sophomore year that I realized I had a crush on this girl. She seemed like a match for me. I'd never been with a girl before; the girls at my school were just crappy people overall. Once homecoming was starting to come around to us, I knew that I wanted to ask her. Our math class ended and I was so nervous to ask her. I was stumbling on my words and I think she knew. She actually ended up asking me to homecoming right then and there, and I said yes. That night, my mom and I went to get flowers because M and myself agreed to do a public announcement on asking her to homecoming. Getting older and more mature, I realized how stupid that kind of thing was. Nevertheless, the following day at lunch, I went up to her with the flowers and I asked her to homecoming. Irrelevant detail, her older brother was nearby when I asked her publicly. I just thought it was kind of funny; he seemed like a masculine "dude bro" so I wasn't sure what his reaction would be.

This is where everything went south: the week of homecoming, she told me that she was unable to go. I agreed to pay for her ticket since she was my date.

I just reacted by saying "You owe me $25!"

A bunch of my classmates were nearby, but I really didn't care. I felt heartbroken even though M said that "she would talk to her parents about it." I remember calling my mom and crying about what happened. My mom said we would go to her house and ask her parents for my $25 back. I knew that her parents had long been divorced, and so M, M's mom, and M's siblings were living with her mom's either boyfriend or new husband. My mom and I went up to the front door, and we ended up talking with the boyfriend/husband. He wasn't that stereotypical trash that you'd depict for someone like that, he was proper and mature. My mom explained the situation to him while I spotted M by the front door watching the encounter.

The guy gave us $25 and apologized to both of us about M's behavior. Before we left, I heard M run up to her room and start crying. She probably had a breakdown. I thanked my mom and apologized to her about having to go to M's house and sort that out. My mom didn't care, she was mad at M for what she did to me. This was October of 2014.

Around January/February of 2015, M approached me about being friends with her again. I said that I would, but that she would need to regain my trust in her. We both participated in drama club again, and that's when the drama occurred. Apparently, M slept with a senior guy that joined drama club that year. I actually got close with him and was friendly for a little bit. That news began to spread and so everyone in drama club heard about what happened.

Our school ended up having two snow days in a row, and so drama club used that time to meet up at a member's house and rehearse for our play. Towards the end of practice, one of the freshman girls who was on drama club made a joke about that senior guy being there at practice which he wasn't. M immediately sprang up to see what was going on when this girl ran into the room and tackled M who was already sitting on a couch. I was confused about what was going on while everyone else was laughing. M left before practice ended and so I texted her and asked her what was going on. When I realized what they were making fun of her for, I began to sympathize and become closer with her again.

She said that she wanted us to hang out next summer, which I suddenly also wanted. It was weird though, because she was seeing some random guy at the time while having some interest in me. Summer of 2015 sucked. I barely heard anything from her, we only hung out twice that summer. The rest of the time I was busting my butt off to earn my driver's license as well as working on my Eagle Scout project in order to become an Eagle Scout. The first time we hung out wasn't that eventful. The second time was at my house. I had a small pool party with her and my friend B. Towards the end of the party, I told B about my plan to tell her how I felt about her. I then signaled B who left my basement while I talked with M for a little while. M was dating some guy at the time, but I felt like I had to tell her how I felt then and there or it was going to be too late.

After I poured my heart out to her, she told me that she felt a similar way. She kissed me on the cheek, which is the closest I've ever gotten to kissing a girl to this very day. She told me she would text me as soon as she could get her phone back. I only heard from her a few times toward the start of our junior year and that was it. Her and her family moved to our rival school's town. I felt bad for her because she told me that her stepdad kicked her and her family out over the summer. I knew there was a messed up home life. That's probably why she became the way that she did.

Junior year felt like hell without her. I let her manipulate me twice. Around March of 2016, one of my classmates attended our rival school's play where M was performing. I asked her what M had to say about me, and what she said made me realize things were over. From August of 2015 until March of 2016, I kept trying to reach out to her. I thought that I could help her through her home life and her personal demons and that we could make each other happy. But M claimed that I had stalked her when all I did was try to text and call her all that time. I wasn't the best with social cues either, something I would know to never do nowadays. But I knew at that point that I was done with her.

Her friends from our school defended her actions, even when I tried my best to explain to one of her friends what she did. But they didn't want to hear it. I guess I was just stupid because everyone else at my school knew the truth about her. Maybe I was just a fool for believing in giving her a second chance. She slept around, she drank, she used drugs, and she tried harming herself. I guess that can only create a spell meant for disaster. Almost three years later thinking back on that experience, I've matured more. I've seen a bit more of life, especially being at college for two years. I don't know why I wanted to write about this experience, I'm not sure if there's much of a lesson. Although I moved on from M a long time ago, I feel better writing about my experience with her. I doubt anyone will view this article, but if they do I'm sure readers will sympathize with my experience. I'm not playing victim, but I'm sure readers have dealt with girls or guys that they thought were the one or dealt with people who are flat out crazy. I guess for those people, I just want to say that you're not alone. If you've gone through a similar hardship or are currently going through something right now, just know that one day, things will get better and that you'll be able to move on.

P.S. I've met a bunch of people at my college who attended my rival high school. I'd ask them if they knew about M and they all told me horror stories about her. I guess she got worse as time went on and presumably, she ended up causing her own self-destruction. It makes me feel better about not being near her ever again and following a separate path in life.

—Evan