My Relationships

My first relationship was unconventional. I was a little over 13 years old and was going through my experimental phase. I wasn't sure who I liked and what I really liked out of a person. Then I met this older girl, her name was Alison — I never got her last name, and she made me realize I was everything other than straight. She was the most beautiful person I had ever met before. She had this long, very tightly curled, black hair with rich mocha skin and tons of freckles. Her eyes were amber with a small hint of green around the irises, and her voice made me shiver more times than I could count. What we had was more than a friendship but we weren't exactly dating. I didn't really feel comfortable accepting the fact that I liked her more than a friend and that she liked me back. However, I was never able to tell her that because she moved not long after I gained the courage to let her know.

My second relationship was also not a normal one. It was around the same year as my first one. He was my friend's ex-boyfriend and was also my best friend. He was such a nerd and really weird, which made me like him more than I ever thought I could ever like someone like him before. He was also very nice and just as curious as I was. I also had no regrets about dating him after my friend; it let me see what she saw in him and then why their falling out was so horrible. Within the second month of dating, he started to get a little pushy and clingy. He wouldn't leave me alone and when I moved he was pushing me to do things I wasn't super comfortable with. I broke it off with him. What I find the most irresponsible and downright moronic about myself was giving him a second chance. I dated him twice and both ended badly. In the end, we were only ever meant to be friends and that's how it is to this day.

My third and final relationship I can count to this day was possibly the worst and the best. It was long distance. I met her on this one roleplaying site I used to use a couple of years ago. We met when I clicked on her profile and sent her a message complimenting her profile avatar. We chatted for about an hour and discovered we had a lot in common; then I asked her to be my girlfriend. Every other relationship I had lasted only a couple of months but, with her, it almost lasted two years. She was the sweetest, most understanding girl I had ever met. When we talked on the phone, her voice made me super happy, and when I got to see her face after friending her on Facebook, I found her even more beautiful. She was very insecure and had some mental issues but I didn't find them at all bad about her. She was honestly the best. The reason we broke up before our two years was the stress I was under because of the sudden move from Colorado to Connecticut. We decided it would be better for the both of us to just be friends and it's honestly been the best move we made.

A Quote Detailing My Development

I knew after my first relationship that I wasn't straight at all. I never really found guys that appealing nor that great when it came to dating. I also knew I got along with girls a lot easier and even developed bonds that were much stronger. That didn't mean I wouldn't date a guy and give him a chance. So, I decided, I was bisexual. This was when I was 14 and ended my relationship with my ex-boyfriend and started dating the girl online. It was more instantaneous than it had been with him and it was so much nicer on my heart and mind when it came to being myself around her. That's when I came to the conclusion that I was lesbian. I liked girls and I was honestly quite proud of myself. I even flaunted my affections to all and didn't care if somebody disliked it or even hated it.

During that time, on the contrary, I came to find that I wasn't exactly feeling female myself. Yes, I would dress femininely and act quite girly but...when I looked at myself, it wasn't exactly reading "girl" or "female." I was Non-Binary, Genderqueer, or Agender. After all these years and all those little relationships, and being alone for some time, I now know I'd much rather be alone and have no real feelings towards others besides purely Platonic. I'm Ace and non-binary and that's for sure at this time, but, who knows, it might change once again. Yet I'm super content being where I am in this most recent development and don't know if I'll really ever question myself again.

What I really want out of any relationship is a long-lasting friendship. Somebody outside of family I can talk to and bond with. Somebody I can share my deepest feelings with and never get too emotionally attached to. Somebody who would be willing to put up with me, and my weird antics and quirks that most would much rather avoid. I desire something Platonic. Something that wouldn't really hurt in the end and give me that satisfaction without it getting intimate. I've never really had that long enough to ever feel content enough in life. It would be the most pleasing thing in the world to have, and I know very well I'd cherish it with all my heart and all my loyalty as well.