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No one goes into a marriage hoping for it to end or even expecting it to end. At least not when you are getting married for love. So when it does end it stings, breaks, devastates, and shocks. This was me. When I got married I had seen marriages be torn apart, I had seen the fighting and the hatred that came from something that was originally so beautiful. I went in thinking that our love would over come it all and made sure everyone knew that I was marrying for life no matter what happened. That was about 5 and 1/2 years ago.
My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years and married for 5 1/2 of that. We have two beautiful children (who came before the wedding). I won't lie and say that it was all good or even all okay. If that was true then we would still be together right? The first couple of years we had our fights and stress but overall we were in love. Everyone knows this feeling, it's the honeymoon phase. After that it became very clear exactly how young we were. Our differences, wants, and needs overwhelmed us. My children became my world, getting on our feet, and advancing in our lives was my focus. Although I will be honest with you a lot of the time I went about it in a completely wrong manner. His focus became not losing himself as he grew up. He felt the restrains of being a husband and father at such a young age and the more that I pushed him to be a better father or husband the more he pulled away and forced himself into his video games.
I spent 4 years feeling unloved, unappreciated, and unwanted for the majority of the time. I lost myself; my self confidence, my worth, and my self esteem. We both became mean to each other and the people around us. My anger and hurt overwhelmed me multiple times where I lashed out not knowing or caring what else to do. He did the same just in different ways. During the summer of last year I couldn't handle it anymore. I left. I told him to pack his stuff and be gone before I get back. We said some horrible things to each other before I could get out of the house and through text while I was gone. But when I got back, he was still there wanting to talk and figure it out. I finally broke down and explained everything that had been hurting me for years and he did the same. Now I know you're thinking, well with everything coming out you should have been able to fix things. But no. Waiting so many years to have that conversation had broken us, we had no trust or respect for each other, we had said and done things we could never take back. We did choose to get back together, both promising that things would change, that we would do better. Things seemed really good for a couple months. But that trust and respect never came back. Eventually we stopped communicating again and started lashing out again. By January of this year I was at the same point I had been last summer.
A medical situation on my part came up causing me to fly to Florida and be with family. I had surgery and was meant to be there for a week. By the time that week was set to end, I wasn't healed for the surgery and all I could see was how happy and like myself I was at home with my friends and family. I didn't want to go back. I missed him. But for once it wasn't enough for me to go back to the way we were or how we would be with each other. It hurt more than anything to call him and to tell him. I could hear the hurt and anger in his voice. He understood that this time I was leaving and nothing he said would bring me back. I stayed gone. I spent a lot of time crying and being angry and fighting the depression not sure what the right thing was. I missed him so much and was so lonely I started seeing men. At the time I didn't think he would care. Months passed with both good and bad things happening to and for both of us. By the time we started trying to be friends I was in a bad situation but mentally and emotionally I was at peace. We quickly found out that we had both done a lot of growing up and that although we weren't willing to fight with each other we also weren't willing to walk on egg shells or hide our feelings. The most painful things form our marriage we talked about, as well as the good. There were a lot of points where it became to much for one of us and like children bam the other was blocked and deleted on social media. I know it sounds ridiculous and immature but in some ways I think it helped.
We are now friends, co-parents, and roommates. I won't say this process is easy at all. At times I still feel that intense pain I felt the day I left. There are days where I feel nothing but regret and have so many "What If's?" running though my head that I think its going to explode. Our feelings for each other at this point are on opposite sides of the spectrum, but the respect and trust is very slowly coming back. He has a girlfriend that pretty much lives with us.
They seem happy and after everything no matter what I personally want, him being happy is still one of the most important things. For me I am still lost. I am trying to make sure that I am personally healing and am stable. One of the biggest things I fight with on a daily basis, is knowing that I was one of those girls who saw what this could of ended up being and looked at the world and said no that will never be. Now just over 7 years later that is exactly what it has become. I feel so stupid and like my entire marriage was just a little girl being a dreamer instead of being realistic. That thought tears me down and the healing starts all over.
When I left him in January I joined all of these support groups for separated and divorced people. I though reading other people stories would help me. Knowing I wasn't the only one. Knowing that someone out there understood how I was feeling even when I couldn't express it. For a long time they helped. Recently though I was told by a very close friend that I am myself am a writer and by reading other peoples stories I was hiding. I had yet to tell my story, to feel all of the pain hit at once instead of the little increments that I normally let in. That I was letting it tear me apart. I don't know how much she was right but whether this helps me or not I do hope that my story helps others just as all the stories I read in the last 6 months helped me.