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A lot has changed since I wrote my last post. After leaving in January, my life had more ups and downs than I could have ever expected. To this day, I am still not divorced, mostly do to financial needs. I have moved back into the same town as my ex. For months we lived as roommates and tried to get along, thinking it was best for our kids. I watched him date and try to rebuild his life. Some parts didn't hurt me. Others made me feel like I was not worth very much. You would expect jealousy and pain from being close to him and not having him, but that is not what I experienced. To be honest, the biggest thing that hurt me is seeing him do amazingly sweet or romantic things for other women that he never once did during our seven years of marriage. The worst part, though, was him thinking that because we were now friends, that he could tell me all of these built up secrets about the time we were together and married that were horrible. Such as having crushes on other females, flirting, dreaming, and even wanting them in a sexual way while we were together. In the last month, I have moved into my own place and see my children as much as I can. I am preparing all of the paperwork and knowledge I need to file for divorce. The hardest thing I am doing though is playing nice.
I play nice with my ex as he controls me through the kids, I play nice with his parents since they currently have custody of our children until the divorce is final, and lastly, I play nice by foregoing all my wants and needs for everyone else. Every step of the way I am grateful for my kids. They are still the light in my life, but I am also being controlled to an extent that most people cannot understand. I am controlled with the work I can do, where I am allowed to live, the things I am allowed to do with my kids, and have been given qualifications by my "in-laws" of what I am required to get custody back.
Throughout all of this, I have found one amazing thing. I found a great guy. I met him a few months after leaving my ex, and although sometimes I feel that I traded one situation for another, he proves to me with every move he makes that he is wonderful. He treats me in ways that I could never have imagined. He loves the children with everything in him and is helping me rebuild my life. Hardest thing, though, I feel like I am destroying his life. He pushes me in so many amazing ways, but he is also pushing me to not be controlled, which for all of you that have been through this or are currently going through this, you know how scary that can be. All I can do is think about the side effects and consequences that could come from the choices he is pushing me to make.
Honestly, I am not sure whether I put it into my last article or not, but I am originally from Florida, but during my marriage I was relocated to a tiny little town where I have no family or friends. Since leaving my ex, my new guy also moved from Florida up here to be with me. But everyday I crave the support of my family and friends. I want more than anything to take my kids and go home. I know that in so many ways it would be better for me and more stable. Although every time I mention Florida or my family, my ex and his parents attack me. They tell me that I am only thinking of myself and that I am harming my kids. It stops me in my tracks. Things are so mixed up that I am not sure if they are saying these things because they believe them, because they are still trying to control me, or because they are right. I have so many decisions to make in the upcoming months and until I get back to a point of being able to believe in myself, every step will feel like walking on egg shells.
In the coming months, I will make sure that I write more, however, I will not write more on the divorce itself until I actually file for the divorce. I still hope that their are people out their who are getting help from these, even if it is just the feeling of not being alone.