My Worst Date

My worst date ever would probably be that I have never actually been on one. I’ve never gotten the chance to be addressed by a nervous boy afraid to ask me out; someone who buys a lot of props and gifts to use for his proposal and then returning them the same weekend. A person who stands in front of his mirror for hours and then goes to even ask his mother, sisters, and pet goldfish, Cheetos, to see the best way to do it. Whether to use a cheesy pickup line from his favorite cartoon or wear a tuxedo and stand awkwardly sweating with roses, tossing them from hand to hand, anxiously waiting for my arrival. He would then embarrass me by using my full name: "Ameerah Fawehinmi Olajumoke, would you do me the honors and be my date for the night to Mcdonald's?" I would look him in the eyes with a sense of sympathy, deciding in my mind as fast as I could to say either yes, no, maybe, or curse him out because he used my full name in front of some possible future criminals or even politely say that he’s out of his mind. Mainly for saying that he’ll take me to Mcdonald's instead of Panda Express because I love Chinese food. I mean I’m a 4’11" African American Muslim that you’re trying to get with, isn't it obvious?

After all tension of silence between us is over, I make up my decision. I probably come with a statistic conclusion that he is cute and maybe nice. (You know, things that usually catch girls' attention). I say yes by a five percent to infinity chance, as well as noticing whether he is parent approved, of course. Then we begin the nonsense process of actually going on “The DATE.”

Planning the first date, which I haven't gotten the chance yet—remember, never been on a date—is really stressful. It’s nearly the same as planning a wedding, except the wedding preparations, are left to the girls, and the first date pressure travels on the shoulders of the guys. The only similarity is that the payments go in their pocket. So technically for me, it’s a win/win all the time. Unless he plays the I forgot my wallet game or hits me with the illusion that he will pay me back if I take this one.

As I was saying, I haven’t been able to contribute my fantasies to my first date. Like deciding whether we should go to the movies, where either he will be late or my parents don’t let me go and I tell him I forgot. If we then go, for some reason he may decide to buy one large popcorn because he assumes it will be romantic, like I can’t eat an XL myself. During the whole movie, we try to not look at each other, but just make an unpleasant glance casually every few seconds. Then, all of sudden, halfway through the movie, we “coincidentally” touch our hands while grabbing for the last pieces of popcorn. Then we stare into each other's eyes still not knowing the colors of each of them, pretending that it’s magical and fate. I would after, secretly lift my hand up to snatch the remaining popcorn before we exit the trance. Or instead, we could just go out to eat and I actually pour something on my hijab (head scarf) and dissimulate that it didn't happen as I steal a napkin from his side of the table. Another issue would be silence; if I stupidly go with someone quite like me, our date would be over before I could think about my next sentence.

I just recalled that I haven't experienced a lot of horrible things because, again, I have never been on a booty call—oh, I mean date. I haven't gotten the chance to have been stood up, the third wheel, to have a drink be poured on me, to forget to brush my teeth, have to walk home alone because all of a sudden he goes to the bathroom and never comes back, or even realize that he talks too much and is disgusting. So I could wish that I had a time machine to take me back when I said yes and slap him back and forth for being stupid, and me for allowing my dumb self to go out with dumper.

Until I get the actual chance to go on the first date, I will just, and only, have my imaginations. I really hope that these scenarios are just myths and not even close to reality. I hope I meet someone who is confident, charming, romantic, and won't even dare to leave his wallet at home. That would be my best date ever. He must, of course, be parent approved.

#MyWorstDate

The End